The NYT editors have been listening to columnist and smartest economist ever Paul Krugman too long. They seem to have bought Krugman’s theory that there’s no cost whatsoever to government overreach whatsoever, either in freedom or in dollars.

Today ‘Puter invites his beloved readers to join him in a little game of “spot the common theme.” C’mon, it’ll be fun, just like those new Common Core tests.

First, read this New York Times editorial from today’s paper. In it, the editors argue the stigma associated with “free” school lunches prevents children from taking the “free” lunches, causing harm to both the children and the educational environment. The editors allege the only way to remove the stigma associated with “free” school lunches for needy children is to make school lunches “free” for all students.

Next, read this New York Times editorial from today’s paper. The editors claim women do not receive “equal” pay to men, getting only 77 cents for each dollar earned by men. The editors claim the only way to solve this gross miscarriage of social justice is to pass the misnamed Paycheck Fairness Act.

Last, read this New York Times editorial from Monday’s
paper. The editors indict plastic grocery bags on a myriad of offenses against liberal sensibilities, including but not limited to “offending the eye,” “endangering fish,” “clogging storm drains,” “wasteful energy use,” undefined “environmental damage” and “bulking up a landfill.”  The editors claim the only way to stop this senseless assault by rampaging hordes of plastic bags is for New York City to pass a law charging consumers 10 cents per bag.

Did you spot the all-too-common theme? The only valid solution to any problem, no matter how insignificant, is government.

Kids won’t eat lunch because they feel bad their parents made such bad life choices they’re eligible for free food? Easy. Force everyone to depend on government handouts.  That way, no one feels bad because we’re all beggars.

Women don’t earn as much as men? Easy. Have government force employers to pay women more by changing laws to make lawsuits much, much easier to bring against employers, never mind that the pay gap is in fact fully explained by women’s personal decisions (e.g., working fewer hours, having kids, choosing Wymynz Stydyz over engineering, etc.).

Plastic bags caught in the bare tree branches outside your hipster apartment in Brooklyn, causing you to cry quietly into your sweater as you’re looking out the window? Get government to tax the living crap out of the extremely useful, inexpensive, sanitary method for toting food, regardless of the fact that it will disproportionately screw over the poor.

If liberals think government intrusion into every facet of their lives is a great thing, let’s have the discussion openly and honestly. Quit hiding your love of using government power to force your will on others behind “the children” and “climate change.”

But liberals know they can’t have an honest discussion about their true aim, imposing liberalism on unwilling Americans under threat of force, because they’ll lose every time.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.