Decades ago, the Czar used to to present lessons in the Russian language for you readers to learn. It has been quite a while since then, and the Czar will pick up exactly where he left off. We assume you remember the Cyrillic alphabet (for the most part, as the 1917 Revolution eliminated many of the letters the Czar first taught you).

Simply read the English phrase you need and then speak the Russian phrase that follows about five times. That should do it.

Is this a puppet show? — Является ли это кукольный театр?

When does the puppet show start? — Когда куклы начать?

How much are the tickets? — Сколько стоят билеты?

Two tickets to the puppet show, please. — Два билета, пожалуйста.

Do you have better seats, perhaps up front? — Могу ли я иметь хороший стул? Возможно, мы могли сидеть ближе.

Are these all the puppets there are? — У вас есть больше кукол?

That puppet is mocking me. — Это кукольный издевается надо мною.

Make that puppet open its mouth more. — Применяй силу разевать рот куклы шире.

Make the puppets fight. — Вынуди кукол бороться!

Have the big puppet beat the little puppet badly. — Я хочу большой ударять куклу куколку сурово.

Make then fight again. — Вынуди кукол бороться опять.

Do the puppets’ heads come off? — Можно головы кукол отделяться?

Arm the puppets with weapons. — Дайте куклы оружие.

These puppets do not bleed. — Куклы не кровоточат!

I am leaving. — Я оставляю.

I will eat that dead puppet if you do not want it. — Если вы не хотите куклу, тогда я хочу съесть его.

Thank you. Goodbye. — Спасибо, до свидания.

Our next lesson will cover the common Russian phrases for using metric-gauge knitting needles to stir various types of acids.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.