Everyone’s favorite Nobel laureate economist Paul Krugman takes to the pages of the New York Times to announce the Left’s new position on global cooling global warming climate change.

“Government has no choice but to regulate every sector of the economy to prevent climate change because Republicans as stupid poopyheads.”

That’s not quite how Paul Krugman, SuperGenius^TM puts it, but it’s darned close. As one would expect, Mr. Krugman utilizes his keen intellect to synopsize conservatives’ arguments against the Administration’s climate change policy:

• Conservatives believe governmental climate change regulatory schemes are Marxist. Paul Krugman, SuperGenius^TM knows this because conservatives also think income inequality, trains and ObamaCare are the indubitable moral equivalent of Marxism.
• Conservatives believe science is a massive conspiracy whose sole purpose is to advocate government control of the means of production.
• Justice Scalia in a recent dissent in a case regarding EPA regulations on power plant emissions stated the regulations reflected a “from each according to his ability” mentality. Therefore, all conservatives think antipollution regulations are Marxist.

Extrapolating from his insightful restatement of conservative arguments, Paul Krugman, SuperGenius^TM states with absolute metaphysical certainty that Republicans will denounce forthcoming EPA greenhouse gas regulations as follows:

• Regulating greenhouse gases is tyrannical because … . Well, Paul Krugman, SuperGenius^TM doesn’t share his reasoning with us lesser beings, but seeing as how he’s a Nobel Laureate and all, ‘Puter guesses we should just trust him on it.
• Regulating greenhouse gases will have a “devastating impact on our economy.” Paul Krugman, SuperGenius^TM Nobelsplains to us that governmental regulation is required because conservatives refused to go along with the preferred market based “solutions”: cap and trade or a carbon tax.* Therefore, stupid conservatives will force the president to use his “pen and phone” to do what he could not get the duly elected legislative representatives of the people to do.
• Regulating greenhouse gases in only one country won’t work, even if climate change advocates are correct, because it’s a global problem. Besides, the United States isn’t even the largest greenhouse gas emitter.

Paul Krugman, SuperGenius^TM knows us conservatives better than we know ourselves. It is now clear to ‘Puter that he could have no good faith basis for opposing an overarching, ineffective system of governmental regulations (which, by the way, haven’t even been announced yet) for the following reasons:

• Liberals have overhyped climate change for the last 15 years. None – none – of the ominous catastrophic consequences liberals have droned on about have come to pass. The oceans have not risen, global temperatures have stayed flat or declined over the past decade and there have been fewer cataclysmic storms.
• Liberals have utterly failed to competently implement another massive governmental regulatory scheme recently passed, much to the detriment of Americans. That regulatory scheme is ObamaCare, and America’s health care bureaucracy is nowhere near as complex as the climate. “But this time, it will totally be different. Trust us.” ‘Puter’s not buying it.
• Every regulatory scheme liberals and Paul Krugman, SuperGenius^TM suggest will cost America jobs. Carbon emissions regulations will cost a significant number of jobs in the following areas: mining, manufacturing, oil and gas production, and construction. You know, the sort of jobs conservative voters in non-coastal areas have. Coincidentally, regulations will create scads more jobs for unionized petty government functionaries who make up much of the Democrats’ base. Funny how that works.
• Every regulatory scheme liberals and Paul Krugman, SuperGenius^TM suggest will cost a metric buttload of money. Any costs corporations incur in complying with cap and trade will be passed directly through to the consumer, raising already high prices on staples such as food, gas and utilities. Similarly, any carbon tax won’t be paid by corporations, it’ll be paid by consumers. ‘Puter doesn’t doubt many liberals honestly believe these are costs worth paying. Fine, but quit pretending there’s no cost to individuals. Let’s have an honest debate.
• None of the regulatory schemes liberals and Paul Krugman, SuperGenius^TM advocate will meaningfully impact the environment. This is nothing more than “we must do something, so let’s do something that has the added benefit of furthering unrelated party goals.” As notes and conveniently ignores, the United States isn’t the world’s leading polluter. China is first, and India’s hot on our heels. Unilaterally disarming America’s economy so a segment of our society feels better about itself is suicidal stupidity.
• Climate change cannot actually be a problem. If it were, its loudest advocates would surely be living in solar-only houses, eschewing intercontinental jet travel in favor of teleconferences and generally lightening their footprint. They’re not. Al Gore jets around the world constantly. President Obama and pretty much every member of Congress jets back and forth across the country, if not across the world. Hollywood’s so hypocritical on the issue, living in a waterless, arid land in swimming poll festooned houses with sprawling, lush landscaping, they make Al Gore look positively monastic in comparison. If you want America to believe climate change is a problem, then start acting like it.

It’s apparent to ‘Puter that the Administration sent Paul Krugman, SuperGenius^TM to prep the battlefield for its forthcoming greenhouse gas emissions regulations. Paul Krugman, SuperGenius^TM purposely misstates conservative beliefs on the environment, states climate change is settled science and conveniently omits the consumer downside of environmental regulation.

It’s not stupidity or malice that motivates conservative opposition to liberal positions on climate change, Mr. Krugman. It’s a cold, rational calculation, born of experience, that liberals will use any issue to expand governmental regulatory control over the economy specifically and Americans generally regardless of whether the proposed regulations actually solve the problem noted.

And we’re not about to let liberals’ “crazy climate economics” get in the way.

*It’s beyond comprehension that Paul Krugman, SuperGenius^TM thinks a cap and trade scheme administered by the EPA, set up through what would necessarily be massive new regulatory scheme is a market solution. It’s even more bizarre that Paul Krugman, SuperGenius^TM thinks a new federal tax on all carbon emissions, with the thousands of pages of laws and regulations it would entail, is a market solution. Apparently, to Nobel laureate economists, massive new government interventions targeted to restrict corporate behavior and/or bend American behavior to governmental will are market based reforms.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.