As everyone knows,* student loans are the sole reason today’s college graduates are unable to enter adulthood. This ginormous debt burden forces grads to decamp their college digs for their parents’ basements. We are told by our media betters that student loan debt prevents graduates from taking jobs they love, from purchasing houses and starting families.

So, naturally, Obama has a solution to the problem. Shockingly, Obama’s solution involves increasing government intervention in the student loan market. Never mind that the government’s intervention in the student loan market caused much of the problem in the first instance.

Obama, no doubt spurred by Sen. Pocahontas Warren’s (D-Lakota) hard Left economic populism (a/k/a socialism), will by royal decree executive order relax alternative repayment program provisions for student loans such than an additional 5 million deadbeat losers students will qualify. Among these government programs are loan forgiveness for paying on time** or being employed in the public sector.

If you’re not fortunate enough to have paid your loans on time or hold a government job, our good friends servicing government guaranteed loans will be forced to spread your repayment out over a longer period of time.  As the linked CNN article notes, borrowers “will pay more over the lifetime of the loan, as there is additional time for interest to accrue.”

Not to be outdone, Sen. Wilma Mankiller Warren (D-Choctaw) has sponsored a Senate bill titled the Bank on Students Emergency Loan Refinancing Act.*** The Act would permit student loan borrowers to refinance federal and private student loans with the federal government at artificially low rates. Sen. Land O’ Lakes Butter Model Warren (D-Ho-Chunk) would pay for the lost revenue**** by enacting the so-called Buffet Rule, “which ensures that millionaires and billionaires pay their fair share in taxes.”

Here’s the deal. Obama’s program’s a load of horseshit. He’s forcing taxpayers to foot yet another bill to support college administrators while claiming it’s for the children. Sen. Crazy Ass Horse Warren’s (D-Osage) BSELR Act is even more irresponsible, actively cutting federal revenue, raising taxes on Americans and upsetting settled contract expectations for private lenders.

It’s not so much the money that bothers ‘Puter, it’s that both Obama and Warren’s piss-poor policies would prevent students and universities from bearing the negative consequences of their shoddy decisions.

Students should live with lifelong debt if they spent six years getting a useless degree in Wymynz Stydyz at third-rate Directional State University and Day Spa, if only so as to function as a living object lesson to younger people. ‘Puter wants a world full of dipshit, unemployable idiots with useless degrees so he can say to ‘Puter, Jr. “Look at him. He got a degree in Fill-in-the-Blank Studies and now he’s serving you coffee. That’s what your future will look like if you make bad choices.”

Universities, too, should live with the consequences of their choices.  College costs have doubled inflation and even outstripped medical care inflation considered separately from 1978 to 2011. Colleges have spent this money not on education but on administration and entertainment, enriching themselves and turning campuses into five star hotels. If anyone deserves a comeuppance, it’s universities.

If universities were churning out top-notch critical thinkers by the metric buttload, ‘Puter’d have less of a problem with their Gollum-like fixation with money. But they’re not. Colleges have become indoctrination camps, useful only for inculcating the liberal fad of the moment into their customers’ minds. Most “students” graduate without having read Shakespeare or Kant, Plato or Freud. Hell, ‘Puter’d settle for “students” having read today’s New York Times or Wall Street Journal.  Universities have abdicated their primary responsibility of education in favor of petty political squabbles and fiefdom building.

‘Puter’s beaten the student loan horse for a long time now, but it bears repeating.  The best way to reform student loans, if we’re to keep them at all, is to align incentives.  That is, incentivize students to finish their studies quickly and universities to charge less. Further, force both students and universities to have skin in the game.

• Require universities to guarantee repayment of half of all student loans their students take out
• Permit students to discharge half of their student loan debt in bankruptcy
• Increase interest rates for every year past four years a full-time undergraduate spends attaining a degree.
• Cap the amount of student loans each university can receive.
• Ban universities from participating in the student loan programs altogether if their average time to graduate exceeds a certain time period, such as five years.
• Ban universities from spending any student loan money on costs other than academic buildings and infrastructure, and professor retention.
• Ban universities from participating in the student loan program (or lower the cap maximum receivables) if they do not have renewable tenure for their professors, so that bad/lazy professors can be axed as necessary.
• Increase receivable caps for universities where each professor spends more than a defined percentage teaching undergraduate courses. Lift the cap altogether where all professors teach a full load of undergraduate courses each semester.
• Limit student loans to only certain programs for which there is a national need. Currently, it’s really anyone who can think critically about an issue, but let’s start with engineering, physics, mathematics, chemistry, medicine, pharmacy and nursing.

None of this is difficult theoretically. It’s difficult politically.

No one wants to hear their kid shouldn’t go to college, but tough toenails. Little Precious Q. Snowflake may have been the most popular kid in school, but she’s a lazy, unmotivated student. She’d be far better off foregoing college altogether rather than spending the next four to six years incurring massive debt for a worthless degree.  If so inclined, Precious Q. Snowflake could join the military, learn a skilled trade or be a porn star. Who cares? At least she won’t be broke and living in her parents’ basement.

‘Puter’s going to say it again. THERE’S ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH NOT GOING TO COLLEGE. In fact, most people shouldn’t go to college. They’re either not equipped intellectually to do so, or else a college degree isn’t necessary for what they end up doing.

But America’s dedicated to the proposition that even the dumbest, laziest students have a God-given right to a college education at taxpayer expense.  Hence, we have no talent ass clowns like Obama and Warren pandering to lowest common denominator voters, invoking with tear-filled eyes the rally cry of liberals everywhere, “it’s for the children,” when they know damned well that their proposed “solutions” aren’t, and that they’re only further damaging American youth.

* Well, “everyone” meaning “everyone who’s chugging the Obama Kool-Aid***** like cultists at Jonestown” according to our liberal intellectual and moral betters.

** Where’s ‘Puter’s mortgage forgiveness program for paying on time? ‘Puter’s never missed a mortgage payment, and he’d really, really like to be done paying his mortgage now, m’kay? Thanks in advance, Democrats.

*** Apparently, Sen. Leonard Peltier Warren (D-Micmac) has not yet passed her course on naming legislation such that it has a totally bitchin’ acronym. A better, more accurate title would be the Enabling Selfish Students to Avoid Natural Consequences of Economics (ESSANCE). You’re welcome.

***** ‘Puter’s favorite Kool-Aid flavor is HalleBerry Punch. There is too such a flavor! Mandarin invented it after resurrecting Ms. Berry’s corpse five years ago. Um, never mind about that last part. All you need to know is that there’s nothing better on a hot summer day than knocking back pitcher after pitcher of HalleBerry Punch and antifreeze coolers with ‘Puter and Czar on the Castle’s front porch rocking chairs.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.