Captain Mom Jeans Rides Off Into The Sunset After Singlehandedly Destroying America For Generations

What has Barack Obama accomplished as president? Permit ‘Puter to rephrase the question. What has Barack Obama accomplished as president that has been good for America?

‘Puter would argue that Obama has accomplished exactly nothing that has made America a better place, no matter your race, ethnicity, gender, sexual preference or zip code.

ObamaCare

This has benefitted certain people who were previously uninsurable due to preexisting conditions. But ObamaCare has unquestionably screwed over far more Americans than it has helped. Millions were forced off existing coverage and into frequently more expensive (and unaffordable) plans. Thousands have discovered that despite signing up for coverage, insurers have no record of them because of ObamaCare’s disastrously bad rollout. ObamaCare’s so opaque and poorly designed, the Congressional Budget Office admitted it has no idea how much it’s going to cost America in the future, other than a lot.

The Economy

Simply put, the economy still sucks for the vast majority of Americans. Food and energy prices are up, and they keep climbing. Interest rates are rock bottom, but no one will give you a loan if you have even the slightest blemish on your credit record. The stock market’s up, but most Americans don’t own any stock. Obama’s 2009 stimulus plan was a failure, mostly because Obama used it as a slush fund to reward supporters rather than helping Americans. Overweening bank regulations rammed through in the wake of the 2008 Meltdown have crippled banks, one of our largest generators of jobs and wealth.  In the first quarter of 2014, America’s gross domestic product fell 2.9%, a shocking number.  Obama talks a good game, but everything he and his liberal administration have done has either failed (best case) or actually harmed Americans.

Immigration

Obama’s refusal to enforce immigration laws has created a crisis at our Southern border unlike any in my lifetime. Obama telegraphed to Central American nations that if their children get to the United States, he was going to do everything he could to make sure they stayed here. This, naturally, set off a stampede of parents telling their children to get to America by any means necessary. Hundreds if not thousands of children have died, been raped or sold into the sex trade. We will never know the true numbers. Many of the children making a run for our border are diseased, whether with drug resistant tuberculosis, chikungunya, measles, pertussis, H1N1 flu or another deadly disease. When Obama and his media sycophants couldn’t hide the crisis any longer, Obama has simply refused to deal with it. Things will get worse – likely far worse – before they get better.

Gun Control

‘Puter figured there must be something Obama has accomplished for his allies, like gun control. Nope. He couldn’t even get gun control crammed through Congress in the wake of several tragic shootings.

Income Inequality

Income equality is another of the Left’s favorite topics about which to ramble incoherently. Let’s assume for the sake of argument income inequality is America’s most pressing internal problem today. What has Obama done to solve it? Nothing. If anything, under Obama’s policies, the gap between rich and poor has gotten worse. Obama’s purposeful or incompetent handling of economic issues has prevented wage growth for the poor and middle class.

Unemployment

Unemployment’s fallen! Way to go, Obama! Not so fast, economically illiterate chowderhead. The labor force participation rate has fallen to 1970s levels, and our headline unemployment number doesn’t count people who are no longer participating in the labor force. Further, many of those with jobs are either underemployed or in jobs for which they are overqualified. Unemployment figures for teens and blacks are higher than they were under George W. Bush.

Allies

Obama has managed to alienate our closest allies. Most recently, Germany expelled our highest ranking intelligence representative from Berlin after we were caught spying. Obama’s been clear to the world that he thinks little if anything of Israel, in many cases treating Israel as if it were on the same moral plane as Hamas and Iran (but then ‘Puter repeats himself). And who can forget Obama presenting HRH Queen Elizabeth II of England with an iPod full of Obama’s own speeches, coupled with removing the Churchill bust from the Oval Office. Even earlier in his presidency, Obama pulled the promised missile defense systems from Poland and the Czech Republic, two of America’s best friends in Europe, in a misguided attempt to appease Russia.

Enemies

Obama has managed to embolden not just one or two, but nearly all of our enemies. Russia’s Putin knew the first time he met Obama that Obama was an effete, chickenshit liberal who wouldn’t lift a finger to stop him. Hence, we have Russia annexing Crimea, invading eastern Ukraine and blackmailing Europe with natural gas. So much for Hillary Clinton’s much vaunted “reset.” China’s emboldened to exert itself in Asia, going after contested island and saber-rattling against Japan, South Korea, Vietnam and the Philippines. Syria’s a hellhole, with the brutal tyrant Assad systematically liquidating his opposition with chemical weapons, and mocking Obama’s declaration of a “red line.” And who could forget ISIS (not the bawdy, fun Sterling Archer one, either)?  Obama’s failure to get a status of forces agreement inked with Iraq directly led to the chaos in Iraq, permitting Iran and Russia to undo gains we paid for in blood and treasure.

No rational person could look at Obama’s presidency and see it as anything other than a complete and utter failure married to a depantsing of liberalism’s Utopian promises. When ‘Puter considers Obama’s performance in office and its effect on America, he’s left with two possibilities.

First, Obama’s so incompetent he couldn’t get laid in a women’s prison with a stack of pardons taped to his junk.

Second, Obama knows exactly what he’s doing, diminishing America to advance his hard Left worldview where America is no longer able to influence the world effectively.

Either possibility terrifies ‘Puter and it should terrify you as well.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.