‘Puter’s hopping mad. Well, either that or he’s hopping because his intestines are trying to crawl out of his bunghole after chugging an entire 18 ounce jar of Huy Fong chili garlic sauce* on a dare from Czar.

‘Puter made the mistake of watching the gang on Morning Joe discuss this Wall Street Journal editorial on Hillary Rodham Clinton and l’affaire Lewinsky. The WSJ’s editors remind readers that despite Ms. Lewinsky’s claims of internet abuse at the hands of Matt Drudge and the New York Post, it was actually the Clinton White House led by Mrs. Clinton herself that inflicted the greatest damage on Ms. Lewinsky and her reputation.**

The assembled thought leaders on the Morning Joe set were aghast at the WSJ’s temerity to raise Mrs. Clinton’s past acts against her. Mika Brzezinski was uncomfortably torn between donning her media kneepads to protect the Clinton legacy and breaking out her feminist pitchfork and marching on Chappaqua. Not to be out-feministed by a mere woman, idiot man child Sam Stein chimed in, claiming Mrs. Clinton’s actions were old news, completely irrelevant to Mrs. Clinton’s qualifications to be president.***

Notably, Joe Scarborough was the rational voice in the room, stating Bill Clinton’s acts had nothing to do with Mrs. Clinton’s 2016 run. However, Mrs. Clinton’s own actions, including using the resources of the federal government to destroy a 22 year old intern her husband had sexually abused (using feminists’ own differential in power criterion), are relevant to Mrs. Clinton’s race.

And this exchange got ‘Puter thinking, which is never a good thing. With Mrs. Clinton’s looming candidacy, we are certain to hear more and more about Republicans’ War on Women^TM. The media takes it as a given Republicans and their policies are harming women.  To hear one prominent female Democrat tell it, Republicans are “grabbing us by the hair and pulling us back.” Maybe in Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s sado-masochistic porn fantasies, but in the real world, it’s the Democrats tying women up and treating them as sex objects.

You don’t believe ‘Puter? Read on for a few examples of Democrats screwing women, and not in the enjoyable, mutually consensual manner we all know and love.

• Modern feminism is nothing more than liberal identity politics writ large. Witness the cadre of women around Bill Clinton, including his wife Hillary Clinton, taking on and destroying women Bill Clinton had abused if not raped. Paula Jones, Juanita Broaddrick, Gennifer Flowers, Kathleen Willey, not to mention Ms. Lewinsky. Mrs. Clinton and leading Democrats went out of their way to destroy these women, allegedly sexually assaulted by then-President Clinton, in order to keep a man in office. Democrats sold out women in order to keep power. To Democrats, it’s fine for a man to abuse specific women so long as he’s doing great things for the majority of women. In other words, the ends justify the means. Liberal Democrat feminists aren’t very feminist when push comes to shove, are they?
• Democrats treat women as nothing more than a reproductive tract, brains be damned. Witness Democrats’ insistence on marching into political battle, lustily singing “Abortion, Abortion Über Alles.” Democrats insist all women must care solely about so-called reproductive health, to the exclusion of all other matters. Democrats will fight to the death for women’s absolute right to kill their offspring, regardless of the father’s wishes, up until such time as the child emerges breathing from the birth canal. Abortion has deprived generations of women of children and grandchildren, ultimately making their lives less full.If we are to defer to science in setting policy as liberal Democrats insist, our abortion laws would be much stricter. See, for example, screamingly liberal Europe, where nearly all countries limit abortion on demand to the first trimester except in certain limited circumstances. Many European nations also require a doctor’s authorization for abortion in most instances. When you’re to the left of Europe, you’re doing it wrong.Insistence on abortion on demand has not made the practice “safe, legal and rare,” as Democrats claim to want. In fact, women die during abortions, states’ health inspection regimes are a joke, and charnel houses such as the Gosnell clinic in Philadelphia continue with impunity. Women are harmed by Democrats’ unscientific, benighted “abortion now, abortion tomorrow, abortion forever” fundamentalism.
• Liberal Democrats have maintained a war on poverty for nearly 50 years now. Hell, ‘Puter wasn’t even alive when the war started, and he’s not sure he’ll be alive when it ends. All in all, the war on poverty has failed women, children, families and America. Welfare rewards recipients for not working, not marrying and having children. ‘Puter may be stupid, but he’s pretty sure you get more of what you subsidize, and here we’re subsidizing sloth, broken families and serial out of wedlock births. Study after study has shown that women and children suffer most from the breakdown of the family unit in our culture, and liberal Democrat welfare policies have destroyed and continue to destroy families.
• Women are the majority of college graduates today. Liberal Democrats insist against all economic evidence that subsidized student loans make college more affordable. In reality, the wide availability of federally guaranteed student loans allow colleges to jack up tuition to above market rates at no risk to themselves. After all, colleges always get paid. It’s the students who get screwed with non-dischargeable debt larger than a home mortgage, and these students are predominantly women.
• The current Democrat held White House pays its women pennies on the dollar compared to men. If Democrats were truly pro-women, wouldn’t the leading Democrat insist women in his employ receive equal pay for equal work? Democrats don’t care about women, they care about using the equal pay issue as a cudgel against commonsense Republican retorts that women of equal experience who work equally hard receive equal pay. But statistics aren’t sexy and low information voters abound, so Democrats’ false charge endures.
• America’s culture has coarsened, led by the Boomer’s four horsemen of societal apocalypse: feminism, rewarmed Marxism, post-modernist culture relativism and free love. In an anything goes 1960s hippie-inspired culture like today, women and their unique contributions to society are diminished.Women are treated like sell-out pariahs by liberal Democrat feminists if they choose to stay home to raise a family. Heaven forbid a sister be pro-life!**** Democrats treat women and their votes as a means to an end, maintained in the liberal Democrat column through a never-ending campaign of lies and fear. Liberal Democrats’ insistence women be just like the worst men, drunkenly sport-f*cking their way through their late teens and twenties, trained men to think of women as nothing more than “f*ck buddies” or sex objects to be used and jettisoned at will. You’ve come a long way, baby.

Were it up to most Republicans, women would be free to go about their business without government interference or judgment of their choices. Want to be a CEO of a Fortune 500 company? Great! Go get the experience and compete. Want to be a stay at home mom? Great! It’s wonderful that you choose (and are able to choose) to raise a family. What a wonderful contribution to America! Republicans may think abortion and divorce are bad for the country, but we’re not looking to ban either. We believe women are human beings, entitled to the same treatment as men, for better and for worse. Women can and do compete on a level playing field, and Republicans believe intervention is only necessary when that playing field is unfairly tilted against women because of their sex.

Don’t fall for Hillary Clinton and the Democrats’ rhetoric. Republicans don’t wage war on women, Democrats do.

* Huy Fong garlic chili sauce is the preferred colon cleanser of your Gormogons. Pick up a 12 pack on Amazon for only $41.18! Between ‘Puter and Czar, we usually kill the 12 pack in a weekend, but most people don’t have our intestinal fortitude.

** ‘Puter would remind his readers that reporting facts, no matter how embarrassing to individuals, related to the president’s activities, is not internet bullying, no matter how much one may wish it were. In some remote corners of the globe, reporting facts about presidential activities is known as “reporting.”

*** How Sam Stein is qualified to opine on the Clinton Administration, being in diapers for most of Mr. Clinton’s first term, is beyond ‘Puter. However, the liberal media solons have declared Mr. Stein an expert, so there you have it.

**** Strident feminist hypocrites: “When we said pro-choice, we meant you were free to choose to completely agree with us!”

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.