Now that the Midterm Elections are over, we can finally start wasting time wondering about 2016 Presidential candidates.

The Czar has previously said the Democrats are tapped out, and basically have no choice but to run Hillary Clinton. Joe Biden is a non-starter and Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-MA)—the media’s clear favorite—is not welcome among non-Massachusetts voters. As Barack Obama proved in 2014, no amount of media protection can cover a lousy Democrat forever.

But what of the Republican possibilities? Well, clearly we do not know everything in everyone’s hearts, but the Czar has some broad-brush thoughts on possibilities. Rather than provide a full, detailed analysis of each, we will make reading easier for you by just belching out reactionary thoughts.

Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY)—He’s not his father, by any means, and the Czar sees considerable potential in his managerial approaches. He’s improved a lot over the last two years in how he speaks, answers questions, and promotes foreign policy. However, his supporters can be polarizing (and ironically many of them don’t grok what Paul is really saying, and secretly hope he’s a moonbat like his dad), and will provide ample fodder to a hostile media and Clinton campaign. He may not survive the first few months; if he does survive, though, he’ll be formidable.

Jeb Bush—Highly unlikely. If anything, he is playing the role Sarah Palin has done so well: give the Left a decoy target that scares the crap out of them. He knows full well the dicey legacy of his brother among voters, as well as parental pressure to stay out of the Presidency. A cabinet position? Perhaps. A presidential run? Unlikely.

Gov. Chris Christie (NJ)—Most insiders seem to agree he’s a likely candidate. However, he will surge early and fade fast; if you look back at 2012, he’s more of a Michele Bachmann: initial popular support and recognition, but soon he will be unable to rectify previous statements and will begin to fizzle out among voter interest.

Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX)—Cruz is a genius: he has the entire conservative camp eating out of his palm, scaring the liberals badly, and making the Establishment Republicans very nervous. He also will not run—or will not seriously run for long. He sees himself perhaps as Senate Majority Leader, and deeply influential among the Republican party. Heck, he’d probably like to be the new establishment. But he’s smart enough to know that becoming a presidential candidate puts too much of this at risk; at heart, Cruz is a calculator, not a gambler.

Mitt Romney—No matter what you hear, he isn’t running. He has put out carefully coded messages stipulating this. Only the media, who have a hard time remembering more than a couple things, seem to think he’s a possibility.

Sen. Rob Portman (R-OH)—2016’s Tim Pawlenty: smart, executive, and decisive with good plans. Yet a completely gray character to the public. He’s more a Republican in the 1948 mold: 2016 will require a powerful, colorful, attractive figure to win votes away from the Democrats. Sorry: Portman isn’t it.

Gov. Bobby Jindal (LA)—He’s a maybe. Jindal makes the Czar nervous because the governor has made some pretty bizarre statements in the past that will serve as excellent ammunition for liberals (such as his belief in demonic possession happening everywhere). While voters care almost nothing about these comments, they will dog him again and again. However, Jindal is a powerful intellect who seems to understand everything going on around him; this is a very desirable quality in a leader, and Jindal will certainly do well if he decides to run.

Gov. Scott Walker (WI)—Walker is a masterful communicator who knows how to get the most undecided voters to tilt toward conservative viewpoints. There’s really no reason he wouldn’t be a Reagan-like president, and hell, he could hit the full Coolidge. Unions hate him, but proved at all levels they’re a non-threat in 2014. Really, the only valid concern we have heard is that Walker may not be ready for the severe hatred he and his family will receive from Democrats. Not because of anything inherent to Gov. Walker, but because he scares Democrats so badly they will have no choice but to get personal. He’s a decent guy, and he may not be able to stomach the negativity certain to follow about his wife and family.

Dr. Ben Carson—Who doesn’t like this guy? Unfortunately, he shares a lot more than skin color with Herman Cain: Dr. Carson has all the charisma and ideas of Cain, but also lacks the experience, the knack of smart politics, and the ability to convince voters he’s the guy you want calling the shots when Russia flies a bomber over Poland. A president is never defined by what he promises, but by how he responds to the out-of-nowhere threat. And Dr. Carson has a dangerously short list of issues he likes to talk about. He’s already running, one gathers, but will have a hard time being more than a sideshow.

Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL)—Rubio has taken a lot of flack for his immigration work: he had his George H.W. Bush moment of mistakenly trusting the Democrats on the committee to back his ideas and wound up being stapled to a pro-amnesty bill he didn’t actually support. But Rubio is slick, polished, and constantly learning. The Czar is less enthusiastic about a charismatic senator with no executive experience (Obama, anyone?), and isn’t sure whether he would make it to November of 2016 or not. He’s a real risk, balanced between potential brilliance and incompetence. The Czar believes there are safer candidates in this list.

Rick Santorum—The Czar liked Rick Santorum in 2012 and voted for him during the primary. But he’s rapidly becoming something the Czar cannot abide: a politician who won’t take the hint that the public is done with him. Rather than helping behind the scenes, writing policy, or guiding candidates, Santorum is like the party guest who just won’t go home. Yes, he will probably run. Yes, he will last mere weeks before disappointing voters again.

Gov. John Kasich (OH)—Kasich is a conundrum. He isn’t a conservative by any means, and he certainly isn’t very establishmentarian, either. But he will definitely play into the “rich, white guy” template that Democrats will happily unroll for him. His Lehman Brothers background is going to hurt. If he runs, he will probably lose.

Rick Perry—Perry is a powerful, smart, tough guy. The more he talks, the more he convinces people he’s the real deal. However, his dreadful 2012 candidacy will be a millstone around his neck forever. No matter how smart a campagin he runs in 2016, the media, pop culture, and therefore the public will associate him with being a good-natured dope. The Czar thinks the world of Rick Perry, but is doubtful his 2016 candidacy will last more than a few months before he quits in frustration. Cabinet level position? Totally.

Mike Huckabee—Non-starter. He’s finished.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.