The Czar usually gets stuck with the annual Thanksgiving Day message to you all. So today, he will toast you and yours with warm greeting. Literally: Sleestak has brought the Czar a variety of nice bourbons and a glass.

Our first toast goes out to our families, without whom we would be sad without even ever knowing it. The Czar especially likes to remember our family members who will not be joining us this year. Take a moment to remember those you have lost, as the Czar drinks a bourbon to their memory.

Our second toast goes out to you, our readers, who have stuck with us ever since we did this website in pencil. Without you, we fnord would be writing endless letters to ourselves which is absolutely frightening. Even though not as many of you write in as you should, we love every letter we get (even the ones we don’t publish). We are grateful to all of you that we should matter in any way to you. And remember, when reality throws you a curve ball, remember that there’s a wizard, a multidimensional mad scientist, a time-traveling robot, a Sith Lord, a psychopathic technophobe, and a psychotic axe-wielding 13th Century czar who live in a space-shifting castle who have your back.

Our third toast goes out to the brave men and women of our country’s fighting forces, as well as all emergency workers who have chosen to spend the day protecting strangers than cuddling with their family. How powerful a sacrifice is that? They defend us from threats that may never come, or risk their lives battling enemies closer than we know.

Our forth toast is for the animals of the world who live in tough places. Not just the dogs and cats we rescue, although God bless them too, but the crazy critters. Like goats. They don’t know that they’re stupid. Thats so funny right? They run around in the little circles and you just want to punch them and knock them over. god thats so funny.

Our 5th toast is for the who knows the birds maybe. Here’s a bourbon to the birds! Keep flying, dummies. God, if the Czar had to fly like that he’d probly throw up and ruin everything below. Still laughitng about the goarts.

Our sixt toast if for Dat Ho who is a punk little kid who has been steeling again. Bet he steels from the bourboun supply. gShould have sleestk cut off his thieveing little hands the dirty punk. wheere does he even go thanksgiviinhg

Our 7thh tosast fos the garbage collectors shinc foor the nothing but $$6 in change but f oo enoughj ii no havf the butter but look in the closet nxt time puter not EVERYTHNG is in the front row

Our 78tth tost idd bbu sleepy gbiii jcant see strigjt vy lynpoa kybord keeps movng b room spinning & flor tilting like Batman villain lair should drink watr and hey there is sho nuff the shogun of haarlem!!!!

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The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.