Little known fact: Baltimore’s official mascot isn’t the Baltimore Oriole, it’s the flaming police car, which better symbolizes the city’s prospects.

‘Puter’s been drinking and thinking, which is never a good combination.*

Baltimore’s mayor (one Ms. Stephanie Rawlings-Blake) and President Obama both referred to Baltimore’s rioters as “thugs.” ‘Puter applauds both Ms. Rawlings-Blake and Mr. Obama for speaking the truth.**

Baltimore’s as yet nameless rioters (except for that one kid, whose medal-worthy mother pimp-slapped his bitch ass and dragged him off by his ear) are thugs, plain and simple. What else to call cowards who use the tragic and preventable death of a young man at the hands of police to loot and burn their own community?

Yet just as surely as the rioters in the streets are thugs, there’s another class of thugs who are every bit as responsible for Baltimore’s riots as the rioters themselves: Baltimore’s ruling class.****

‘Puter’s often ranted it’s single party control per se, not the party in charge, that causes massive government corruption and dysfunction. Baltimore’s helpfully provided yet another definitive proof of ‘Puter’s latest theorem.

Baltimore’s been under the iron fist of Democrats for decades. Its last Republican mayor sat in the 1960s. Hell, Baltimore’s so corrupt Nancy Pelosi’s father Thomas D’Alesandro was mayor (for life) from 1947-1959, eventually leaving elected politics after being implicated in taking kickbacks.

Baltimore’s so in the tank Democrat it elected the rain tax guru and soon to be presidential candidate Martin O’Malley mayor not once but twice.

Baltimore’s so corrupt its last mayor Sheila Dixon was convicted of corruption (for taking kickbacks and stealing gift cards, of all things) and forced to leave office.

Baltimore’s so corrupt, half the city’s represented by Elijah E. Cummings, shameless race huckster and perhaps unethical defender of the IRS jihad against conservative groups.

Baltimore’s ruling class has been on the take and in the tank Democrat as long as ‘Puter’s walked this Earth. And what have Baltimore’s citizens earned for their loyalty? Nothing.

The life of a poor Baltimorean has, if anything, gotten profoundly worse as decades of uninterrupted Democrat hegemony pass.

Baltimore’s inner city school kids can’t read, do math or do science at anything approaching grade level.

Baltimore’s unemployment rate is 8.4%, nearly three points higher than the state’s rate.

Baltimore’s Black families make $30,000.00 less annually than a White family in Baltimore, and $40,000.00 less than the Maryland state average.

Baltimore’s Black men aged 20-24 suffer a 37% unemployment rate, compared to just 10% for Baltimore’s White men of similar age.

Despite decades of abject failure, Baltimore’s elected thugs continue proposing the same, failed programs that accomplish nothing other than lining their pockets. Meanwhile, Baltimore’s already poor Blacks get poorer as the city literally and metaphorically burns.

Baltimore has two sets of thugs, the citizens who riot and the politicians who maintain the status quo. While we’re busy condemning the former, let’s not forget to also condemn the latter.

* N.B. Contrary to Czar’s claims, ‘Puter isn’t a morning drinker. ‘Puter simply has GorT advance the Earth’s rotation upon ‘Puter’s awakening so it’s afternoon. Problem solved.***

** Now if only Mr. Obama would refer to Islamist terrorism as Islamist terrorism we’d be getting somewhere.

*** By the way, Fifi and Belinda, the bartendrixes at the Leaping Peacock, make an awesome Lavoris and Leinenkugel shandy, perfect for a summer eye-opener.

**** For the definitive treatise on How Democrats Effed Up America’s Cities and Learned to Love the Graft All in Five Groovy Decades, see Kevin D. Williamson’s piece in National Review. Really. Read it. It’s awesome.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.