Thank goodness for Miss McGee, ‘Puter’s personal secretary, who is the only Castle employee able to calm ‘Puter when he’s ranting, usually with a Michael Jackson sized dose of Propofol.

‘Puter said he felt a rant coming on. He’s pretty sure it’s here. ‘Puter’s not sure if this rant will rise to the rarified level of ‘Puter’s past epic rants, but he’ll give it his best shot.

So, where were we? That’s right. Discussing the ne’er-do-well social justice warriors running the insane asylum that is ‘Puter’s local school district and their crapweasel response to state required Common Core tests.

Why so angry, ‘Puter?

Well, ‘Puter’s in full tirade mode for a bunch of reasons. Here are a select few.

• The SJW school board jerks* encouraged parents to violate state law by refusing required testing for their children, thereby violating their oath of office. You’re not defending the New York Constitution by encouraging parents to violate laws duly passed by the legislature and signed by the governor you’ve sworn to uphold.
• The SJW school board jerks who believe against all evidence that the teachers’ union gives a crap about anything other than maximizing the comfort, pay and benefits of teachers regardless of impact on the students and taxpayers. Banding together with a group dedicated to enriching itself on the taxpayers’ dime(s) and perpetuating their no-fire, little-required-work lifestyle doesn’t exactly scream “It’s for the children!”
• The SJW school board jerks who, despite clear statutes indicating otherwise, insist that refusing state required testing does not endanger state funding, which compromises nearly one-third of the district’s $110 million annual budget. It can’t be that Education Law §306(2) actually says what’s clearly written on the page: The Commissioner of Education “may also withhold from any district or city its share of the public money of the state for willfully disobeying any provision of law or any decision, order or regulation ….” ‘Puter leaves aside for the moment that Education Law §306(1) provides the Commissioner of Education with authority to remove all of the SJW school board jerks (including the superintendent) for willfully violating state law. That’s for another day, when ‘Puter’s back in a hanging mood.
• The teacher who in front of the class who read a list of students in that class who were refusing the required testing, then asked leadingly if any of the other students would like to be included on the list, in clear violation of state law. ‘Puter’s son (who is sitting the tests) was in that class, and felt singled out. As a result, said son pressed ‘Puter and Mrs. ‘Puter to refuse testing for him. The ‘Puters refused to do so, and Mrs. ‘Puter emailed the school principal to report the shenanigans.
• The SJW school board jerks that don’t care about the broken, divided district they’ve created, all in the name of pressing for changes to the tests primarily designed to aid the teachers, not the students. Anecdotally, ‘Puter can tell you that his son’s friends have self-divided into those whose parents refused to have them tested and those who didn’t. Nice job creating division where there was none before, asshat SJWs. Nothing screams “we’re a competent, caring school district” like purposely destroying unity to push a political agenda.
• The teachers’ union specifically, because they’re usually at the bottom of anything that causes enormous harm to everyone except them. Any time the teachers’ union starts wailing “It’s for the children!”, hold on to your wallets. The teachers’ union has never, ever taken a stand solely for the benefit of their students. Here, the teachers’ union is incensed that student test scores may comprise fifty percent (50%) of their annual evaluations. Tough tits, Slap Radish. Welcome to the real world, the one in which the people who pay your gold-plated salary and gilt-edged benefits work.
• Every frikkin’ member of the squadron of addlepated, intellectually stunted helicopter parents who refused testing on the theory that requiring their Precious Q. Snowflake to suffer any difficulty or sit through inconvenient tests will better prepare them for the rigors of an unforgiving and often cruel work world. ‘Puter will slake his fiery thirst on the sweet tears of your children who suffer nervous breakdowns upon experiencing failure for the first time as adults. Not quenched in your children’s schadenfreude-licious tears, ‘Puter will greedily chug down the your tears, as you dipstick helicopter parents slowly realize your singularly misinformed and dumb-assed parenting techniques created children unable to succeed in the real world.

Here’s the point in the rant when ‘Puter specifically singles out two contemptible individuals for well-earned scorn: the superintendent and the teachers’ union president. Sit back, kick off your shoes and enjoy a complimentary adult beverage from the Castle rumpus room’s well stocked mini-fridge/apothecary as ‘Puter tells you of these execrable humans.

The superintendent who picked this fight and has pressed it beyond all possible advantage is an interim superintendent. He was formerly superintendent of the district, but came out of retirement last year as a place holder while the SJW school board jerks looked for a superintendent daft enough to come to this madhouse. The superintendent has his cushy pension. He’s currently pulling down north of $200,000 annually in addition as interim superintendent. The superintendent wanted to make a political point using the students and taxpayers as unwilling participants, and now he’s leaving everyone else to clean up his mess. You, sir, are a selfish, arrogant prick with sociopathic tendencies. “Screw everyone else, I made my point,” he’ll say as the mushroom cloud rises behind him. Just the sort of hothead psychopath who should be running a multi-million dollar business to which you entrust your children and their education.**

Since it takes two to tango, you just know the superintendent had a dance partner. Enter the teachers’ union president. This gentleman is by all accounts a good teacher, but since he’s union president, he only has to teach 60% of a full time teacher’s schedule, yet receives full pay and benefits. Nice work, if you can get it. The union stooge president has taught for over 37 years, meaning he’s currently eligible to retire at nearly 70% of the average of his best three years’ salaries, until he dies. Our friendly neighborhood agitator also lives outside the district, so he feels free to shit all over it since he doesn’t eat here. Fifty percent tax increase? “Who cares, I don’t live there.” Massive state bitch-slap to the district for being law-breaking jerk monkeys? “Meh. I’ll just retire.” Ass.**

Our fantabulous duo banded together to push a political agenda to aid teachers hidden in a “do it for the children” Trojan horse. None of this is about helping children or bettering their educations. It’s all about making teachers’ lives (even) easier. For these gentlemen educators, in honor of their wise, beneficent leadership, ‘Puter has but one response.

Burn. In. Hell.

Oh, ‘Puter’s got plenty of more contempt for plenty more people, but that’s sufficient for now. Maybe after he’s recovered from his high blood pressure induced transient ischemic attacks, ‘Puter will submit a markup of the SJW school board jerks’ resolution for his readers’ amusement.

By golly, ‘Puter’s fired up today. ‘Puter may have to break early for lunch and a deserved tankard or two of Bud and Bath Salts down at the Leaping Peacock with Miss McGee.

* For purposes of this rant, please include the following individuals or groups in the definition of “SJW school board jerks”: the superintendent of schools, the school board, the teachers’ union president, certain of the district’s teachers, lunatic fringe parents convinced testing is just like TEH VACKSEENSES!!1!, and anyone and everyone else who contributed to the shit storm now enveloping ‘Puter’s tiny, local school district.

** N.B., ‘Puter sued the superintendent and the teachers’ union president after he ran for school board (and lost). ‘Puter claimed the superintendent illegally permitted the teachers’ union to use school resources to campaign against ‘Puter, to ‘Puter’s detriment. ‘Puter did not ask for a revote, though he could have, since ‘Puter’s the bigger man. The Commissioner of Education found for ‘Puter, and issued an opinion publicly shaming the superintendent for being a petty, vindictive bitch and the teachers’ union president for being a greedy, vindictive bitch. (That last part is ‘Puter editorializing about the Commissioner’s opinion, but it’s pretty accurate).

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.