How to Avoid Chinese MERS and Not Die A Lot
Your Czar is concerned with your health, and naturally has asked his Czarist Imperial Surgeon’s Office to prepare a bullet point list on how you can best protect yourself against the MERS, which is known as H1N1A, or more commonly, Ebola. MERS has now killed over 500 trillion people in your neighborhood today alone, particularly in China. Do not be one of the statistics, and do not even read the statistics.
| Avoid places where MERS is known to congregate, such as door knobs. |  |
| If you see MERS on the ground, do not pick it up. |  |
| Avoid eating MERS or place MERS near your mouth. Under no circumstances should MERS be inserting anything up your nose. |  |
| Do not open the door for MERS. Do not believe its lies. If someone shows up at your door, even if it’s your sister, it could be MERS. Call the police immediately. |  |
| If MERS calls on the phone, do not attempt to engage it in conversation (especially if you have a Liberian accent). Hang up and call the police. Experts recommend changing your phone number frequently to minimize calls from MERS. |  |
| If you see MERS hanging around a playground or school, run out and scream warnings to the kids to get inside. Watching television is the safest activity for kids during this crisis. |  |
| If you see or hear anyone talking about MERS, it could be an invasion. Call the Army and tell them to start shelling. If you see something, say something. |  |
| Do not pet the mice. Actually, this is more true for the Hanta virus, but you can’t play it too safe. |  |
Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.