“Ausweis, bitte.” Despite fears, a national ID program in America does not indicate modern day Nazis are resurgent, ready to impose a lawless, fascist, socialist dictatorship. Obama’s election already gave us a lawless, fascist, socialist dictatorship.

Before ‘Puter starts, permit ‘Puter to note for the record he is far classier and YUUUUUGER than Czar. To wit, ‘Puter cooked two teriyaki and ginger marinated flank steaks last night while puny, stupid head Czar could only manage one meager, solitary steak.

And ‘Puter’s flank steaks were more luxurious-er, worthy of Donald Trump’s sensitive palate. Czar’s steak sat on the plate, charred, forlorn and gray in the middle. Even a Mexican stuck on the wrong side of Trump’s wall would’ve turned up his nose at Czar’s steak.*

Niceties out of the way, let’s get right into it. ‘Puter thinks the time has come for a national identification card. ‘Puter supports national IDs because they solve multiple problems at relatively low cost.

1. National IDs Make Illegal Immigration More Difficult

Want a job? Show your national ID. It’s that simple. You are either work authorized in America or you are not work authorized in America. Enter an applicant’s national ID into a government website, find out instantly. Like NICS checks for gun purchase checks, the system would be instant.

At the same time, increase penalties for employers who hire illegal immigrants. Once it’s easy to verify work authorization, employers have no reasonable excuse for hiring illegals. Knowingly hire an illegal, face a huge civil fine. Do it again, go to jail.

If we make it easy to verify immigration status and increase the penalties sufficiently, demand for illegal workers will dry up. Illegals will either self-deport or stay and suffer. Either way, once illegal immigrants know they will not be hired, far fewer will come.

National IDs are a grown up solution to the immigration problem. Plus, they’re far cheaper and much less juvenile than “ZOMG! THE JIUNT WALL WIPF THE LAZOR BEEMS WIL KEEP OWT TEH ILLEEGULZ!1!!!one!!” lunacy.

2. National IDs Take Voter ID Issues Off The Table

Want to vote? Show your national ID. Presto. No more in person voter fraud. Want to vote absentee? Show your national ID when you apply for an absentee ballot. Presto. No more absentee voter fraud.**

If cross-indexed to the Social Security number database, a swiped national ID from a dead person would register the person as dead. Chicago may lose tens of thousands of votes. This gives ‘Puter teh sadz.

Because the national IDs would be federally issued to all American citizens at no cost to the individual, we avoid the “all Republicans are racists who want to prevent Blacks from voting” canard. Further, a five year phase in would permit every American to get a national ID before a presidential election.

States could choose whether or not to use national IDs to verify voter legitimacy in state elections, but national IDs would be required to vote in all federal elections.

3. National IDs May Lower Federal Program Fraud

Want welfare? Show your national ID. Want Social Security? Show your national ID. Want Medicare, ObamaCare or Medicaid? Show your national ID.

Since government (usually) knows who’s alive and who’s dead, it makes it easier to weed out Sonny cashing Grandma’s Social Security checks for years after she’s dead, or voting for her, or applying for more welfare benefits for her.

National IDs would also allow efficient weeding out of multiple applications for the same beneficiaries, such as when a mother and a grandmother are both receiving benefits for the same dependent children.

If data sharing were permitted across agencies (this makes ‘Puter nervous, but for efficiency, perhaps it ought to be considered), it would be relatively easy to quickly determine whether an applicant is impermissibly receiving benefits to which she is not entitled.

4. National IDs Make Applying For Any Federal Benefit Or Program Easier

Want any federal benefit? Show your national ID.

Since it’ll be connected to the federal database, any application should autopopulate. If data sharing across agencies (with an applicant’s consent) is permitted, your name, address, age, social security number, income, etc. could all be filled in automatically.

Streamlining the application process will make oversight easier and require fewer employees. This, of course, will royally piss off public sector employee unions, which makes ‘Puter’s plan even more attractive.

5. We Already Have National IDs, And No One’s Complaining

Have a passport? You have a national ID. Have a social security card? You have a national ID.

Sure, a passport’s voluntary, provided you don’t want to ever leave the country. And sure, a social security number’s just a number, not an ID card with biometric features and linked to your personal information. But you’ve already got national IDs.

The prevalent notion that national IDs are evil is belied by national IDs existence and the lack of complaint.

6. National IDs Can Be Strictly Limited To Certain Uses

National IDs should only be required in certain limited circumstances. If they work well, perhaps those uses could be enlarged or additional uses permitted.  For now, ‘Puter would restrict the use of national IDs to the items listed here. ‘Puter’s sure there are other valid uses for national IDs, but he’s too lazy to spend more time thinking at the moment.

No federal or state officer could demand production of your national ID except in limited circumstances (e.g., you’re under arrest for a reason unrelated to not producing a national ID). Any federal or state officer demanding production of your national ID when not permitted to do so would be guilty of a felony and forfeiture of any pension benefits in full. Making the downside painful for law enforcement officers should improve their compliance with the law.

All that said, ‘Puter recognizes the real potential risks associated with national IDs.  Citizen privacy may be compromised, as seen in the recent IRS scandal. Too, government may use data gleaned from legitimate use of national IDs in a punitive manner (see, e.g., the aforementioned IRS scandal). National IDs are not immune to counterfeiting, though biometric features could make forgery less likely.

To ‘Puter, the largest downside to national IDs is government itself. Our current government is incapable of doing even the smallest things well. Government is sloppy, inefficient, wasteful and spiteful. At times, government is actively malevolent. Government’s ability to implement national IDs efficiently and without malice is rightly suspect. Short of burning it all to the ground and starting over, there’s nothing to be done about it.***

So, despite Czar’s implication, ‘Puter’s not a rabid fan of national IDs. ‘Puter simply believes national IDs are a potential and potentially inexpensive solution to multiple national problems. Government can phase in the national IDs over time, and if they work well, great. If national IDs fail miserably, cancel the program.

National IDs are the rarest of ideas: a relatively cheap governmental solution to a number of large, real problems. Let’s give national IDs a chance.

* Czar is actually an excellent grill master, one of the best among the Gormogons. ‘Puter has gorged on Czar’s cooking, and enjoyed it immensely. Also, in case your sense of humor is impaired, we Gormogons frequently use sharp, inappropriate humor to criticize stupidity we encounter. Hence the “Mexican wall” reference. So lighten up, Francis.

** At least no more multiple voting frauds. There’s still the “I’ll just help everyone in the nursing home vote the right way” voter fraud.

*** Yes, Clark. ‘Puter sees you waving frantically at him, though the jerry cans of gas and crates of dynamite surrounding you make you difficult to pick out.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.