“Americans like hats, especially hats that say things. I will get the yuuuugest, classiest, most luxurious hat with the most words I can find, because I am Donald J. Trump. I’m a brilliant self-promoter, so I will then say profoundly simplistic and dumb-ass things that play to conservative grievances. America will then elect me president, because I’m a classy huckster in a luxurious hat who strokes their yuuuuuuge egos. My plan is genius, classy and foolproof.”

‘Puter’s tired of the Donald Trump Experience.* ‘Puter’s even more tired of media pretending Trump’s off-the-cuff ramblings are indicative of conservative ideology. ‘Puter’s most tired of the internecine, juvenile squabbling between the “Trump now, Trump tomorrow, Trump forever” and the sane portion of the Republican party.

So, in order to maintain his sanity, here’s a quick list of what responsible candidates should be saying on various issues.

Jobs: We will do what the Democrats claimed to do with the ill-fated stimulus. We will spend $1 trillion on infrastructure over the next four years. We will focus bid awards on the following: electric grid modernization/hardening; electric generation projects (nuclear and natural gas preferred); water and sewer infrastructure repair, replacement and modernization; highway and bridge repair and replacement; metropolitan subway/light rail modernization; and air traffic control systems/airport modernization. We will speed the bid and award process by eliminating racial and gender based set asides. We will preempt state regulatory authority with regard to the siting and construction of interstate transmission lines. States with cumbersome regulatory processes for local projects (e.g., subway routing, power plant siting) will be ineligible for any funding of such projects. For good measure, we will approve the Keystone XL pipeline and preempt state regulation of (read: bans on) fracking.

Immigration: We will not grant amnesty under any conditions. Neither will we embark on a deportation purge of everyone who looks vaguely Mexican. We will not build a wall on the border and charge Mexico, because that’s retarded.** We will issue all Americans national IDs. We will vigorously enforce existing immigration laws against employers in order to cut the supply of the jobs luring illegal aliens to America. We will demand states and cities detain and turn over on demand to federal authorities any illegal alien convicted of a violent crime. Here’s a fuller list of ‘Puter’s prescient thoughts on immigration from nearly two years ago.

Taxes: We will end corporate taxation altogether. We will tax dividends and stock sales at the individual taxpayer’s marginal tax rate. Doing so will free up corporations to spend money on innovation rather than regulation. Here’s a full post on ‘Puter’s thoughts on corporate taxation. On individual taxation, we will flatten the tax rates, while leaving it a progressive code. We will phase out all deductions, credits and exemptions other than the personal/dependent exemption. We will have a generous, refundable personal exemption which will be counted as income for purposes of welfare eligibility. All Americans over 18 and not disabled will pay a minimum income tax of $1.00, because as Americans, we must all have skin in the game.

Military: We will fundamentally restructure military procurement regulations with an eye to streamlining time frames and review. We will restructure the Pentagon and Department of Defense employment, cutting civilian employees significantly. We will encourage private development of military technology, with risks borne by (and rewards owned by) corporations, not the taxpayers. We will make military’s goal what it always has been: winning wars quickly and efficiently, with appropriate but minimized regard for collateral damage. We will not undertake war or lesser military action without Congressional authorization. In any military action, our instructions to military command will be simple: “Win the war. Win it quickly. Minimize American losses. No options are off the table, including use of chemical, biological and nuclear weapons. Avoid collateral damage where consistent with the prior instructions.” We believe this new approach to war will make American involvement in wars less, not more, likely. Congress is less likely to authorize war under these conditions, and Americans are less likely to support it.

Foreign Policy: Our foreign policy will be based on this core idea: “We will take a country at its word, and we will respond accordingly.” We will not insist every country be America’s friend. We will insist no country be America’s enemy. We will understand other cultures in order to understand how they think. In doing so, we will negotiate better treaties, trade deals and alliances. We will reward and promote employees with the best ideas regardless of seniority or pedigree. We will work with unsavory and brutal regimes where doing so advances America’s core interests, without apology. We will restore the world’s faith America’s word is good. We will use foreign policy as a tool to advance America’s interests around the world, again without apology. We will form a new, international organization comprised of like-minded, democratic countries to take the place of the corrupt and ineffective United Nations.

Welfare: In connection with our proposed generous refundable personal exemptions, welfare will be reduced. If the personal exemption is $7,500 per person, and you have four people in your family, you will either receive from government or earn tax free $30,000 of income. This income level puts your family above the poverty line. As such, much direct assistance will be of reduced importance. Food assistance will still be available, especially to families with young children; however, it will be limited to nutritious foods only (e.g., fresh/canned/frozen fruits and vegetables, meat, breads, etc.). Housing assistance will be available, up to a multiple of the poverty line, with higher eligibility levels in high cost areas. Work will again be required for all welfare recipients over 18 and not attending school full time. We will encourage (but not require) private charities and corporations to provide transportation assistance (e.g., vehicle donations, low or no interest auto loans, ride shares, etc.) to low income families.

Social Security and Medicare: We agree with Democrats that Social Security must continue. No elderly American will starve on the street. However, we will call these programs what they are: welfare. We will acknowledge these programs were set up as insurance programs, not as entitlements. The retirement age will be indexed to the average life expectancy, so it will rise. Social Security will be means tested; however, everyone who pays in will receive payments totaling at least the amount they paid in plus interest at a low compounded interest rate. Medicare will be converted to a “free” catastrophic health care plan, and rolled in with Medicaid and ObamaCare. Seniors will purchase their own coverage for everything else, if they wish. Poor seniors will receive a voucher to purchase such coverage in the private market. We will require insurers to offer a la carte coverages, so seniors can create a plan sufficient to meet their needs.

Governance: We will work with Democrats where possible, and that will mean compromise at times. We understand Americans don’t believe we will hold true to our core beliefs. We have earned your distrust. We will work hard to earn your trust back. We will cut federal regulation where possible with an eye to leaving decisions where they belong: the people. We will sunset every administrative agency at ten years. All administrative rules must be passed by the legislature and signed by the president before taking effect. Congress cannot feasibly create all regulations itself, but Congress must sign off on all regulations, lest it abdicate its legislative function to the executive.

National Debt: We will reduce the national debt by making income match expenditures. This will be accomplished through a combination of cutting spending where appropriate and raising taxes where necessary. This will be a multi-year effort, and will depend on Americans holding our elected officials’ feet to the fire. Americans know politicians won’t retire debt unless they are forced to do so.

Term Limits: We support term limits for legislative and judicial branch jobs. Americans deserve politicians who know politics is not a career. For the legislature, we propose 18 years in any combination of House or Senate service. For the federal bench, 10 years of service at the district court level, with an additional 10 years each at the appellate court or Supreme Court levels. For all legislative and judicial officials, there will be a mandatory retirement age of 75.

That’s a good start, isn’t it? So much better than the non-substantive clown show we’re currently enjoying, right?

‘Puter eagerly awaits the calls from nervous Republican candidates (and the RNC) seeking a winning platform and the guy to implement it.

* Soon to be a yuuuuuuge, classy, luxurious virtual reality attraction at Trump’s many classy, non-bankrupt properties.

** No, Trumpistas, it doesn’t sway ‘Puter that Trump’s Taj Ma-Wall will be the yuuugest, classiest, most luxurious-est border wall in the world. It’s a dumb, expensive idea that has exactly zero chance of happening. But hey, at least impotently and incoherently ranting about Trump sticking it to The Establishment makes you feel good.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.