Keep it up, America, and we’ll be living in a real life idiocracy. We’re already most of the way there. Now where’d I leave my Brawndo? I’ve got to get to my job at St. God’s Memorial Hospital.

What ‘Puter meant to say was, “America needs to grow the f*ck up.”

We have become a nation of perpetual teenagers. We want all of the privileges of adulthood and none of the responsibilities.

We have become a nation of hilariously (and dangerously) deluded narcissists. We believe everyone should get a trophy because everyone is equally special, merit be damned.

We have become a nation of unthinking partisan drones. We believe the other side can never be correct on any issue, ever, because the other side is pure, unadulterated evil.

We have become a nation of overeducated morons, unable to logically think through even the simplest problems. We believe Ivy League credentials bestow infallibility because academics are never wrong about anything.

And what has America’s unyielding commitment to ignorance and irresponsibility gotten us?

It’s gotten us a nation where entitlements cost 70 cents of every dollar spent. God forbid anyone mentions the obvious, that able-bodied welfare recipients should be required to work, or that Social Security’s retirement age should be raised significantly. You’d think you’d mentioned a national Logan’s Run style eugenics program for retirees. Americans have become selfish d*cks. “Screw you and the future, as long as I get mine!” is the new national motto. That’ll look just great on our currency. I’m sure Hillary’s Secretary of the Treasury Bernie Madoff will make it look classy and luxurious, like Trump would, but without Trump.

It’s gotten us a nation where people won’t vote incumbents out of office, so long as they bring home pork to their district, the rest of America be damned. “I hate all politicians!”, we frothily shout. Yet when push comes to shove, we happily vote back in our guy or gal. We say we want a better government, but we’re unwilling to do so if it means we must suffer any program cutbacks.

It’s gotten us a nation where people won’t state the truth. Less that, ‘Puter thinks, than that people are no longer capable of critical thinking. Idiots credulously accept Hillary Clinton’s statements that she didn’t break the law when she transferred classified data to an unsecured email server in her house or in a bathroom closet in Colorado, depending on whom you ask. Hillary’s a liar and likely criminally liable, yet no one has the balls to say it.

It’s gotten us a nation where people deny reality. What else are we to believe about those who support the Iran Deal as good for Israel? It’s not as if Israel’s recently reelected (“Take that, Obama!” – Gwen Ifill) prime minister Binyamin Netanyahu stated emphatically the Iran Deal endangers Israel’s existence. But hey, even if Netanyahu did say that (and we’re not admitting anything), our guy Obama said the Iran Deal’s cool, and we can show up the Republicans, so screw those pesky Jews. The Jews are the root of all evil anyway.*

It’s gotten us a nation where people take feminists seriously. Please note, so-called “rape culture” is made-up feminist crap designed by academics who’ve never made an honest dollar in their lives. It’s a sick idea, that all men are rapists-in-waiting, one that would be rejected out of hand were similar charges leveled against women. Imagine the uproar if academics published papers on “whore culture,” where all women were prostitutes, to be used as men see fit so long as we leave a $50 on the dresser when we’re done. It’s the same thing, people, and many Americans are too stupid, or too brainwashed, to realize it is.

It’s gotten us a nation where Black Lives Matter isn’t immediately denounced and marginalized as the racist hate group it is. People barging into restaurants during brunch and chanting dumb-assed slogans deserve to be punched in the face, not coddled. If Black lives truly mattered, these power-hungry community organizers would, you know, actually organize the Black community to stop frikkin’ killing one another. But no. It’s far easier to blame a mythical Whitey T. Mann for your culture’s own pathologies. No one bears responsibility for anything except White men.

It’s gotten us a nation where Donald Trump is taken seriously as a Republican presidential candidate. “But he’s the only one who will stand up to the UHSTABLUSHMINT!1!!!one!”, you scream, unaware Trump is an out-of-the-closet Manhattan liberal. Trump supporters are correct that the Republican establishment sucks donkey dong, but hitching your movement to a loose-cannon charlatan like Trump is suicidal. But hey, “Trump makes me feel good because he irrationally screams about the things I irrationally scream about” is a perfectly cromulent qualification for the presidency. Just look at how well Obama’s turned out.

It’s gotten us a nation where half the country supports using tax dollars to fund fetus ranching, where fetuses are tolerated until they’re large enough to be killed and their organs sold on the open market. ‘Puter doesn’t even know what to say about this group of Americans. Morally abhorrent isn’t strong enough, and morally bankrupt sounds too legalistic. Let’s just go with “soulless ghouls destined for eternal torment in the fiery pits of Hell.”

America wasn’t always a nation of unthinking, selfish, hyper-partisan zealots. Americans used to accept truth, even when it ran counter to their thinking. Americans used to accept political compromise, because it was necessary to get stuff done. Americans used to mock stupid ideas instead of celebrating them as “diverse.” Americans used to stand up to bullies. Americans used to be capable of recognizing and rejecting demagogues. Americans used to eschew class warfare. Americans used to have a work ethic. Americans used to have a sense of pride, and of shame.

Not anymore. America is a nation of coddled 30 year old teenagers who refuse to take on adult responsibilities. America and the world are all the worse because of it.

It’s time to grow the f*ck up, America.

* “We’re totally not anti-Semites, man! We’re anti-Zionists! See the difference?” No, you’re anti-Semites, you bigoted jerks. Now put down your BDS petition and get the Hell off my doorstep before I put a load of buckshot in your narrow, white, upper class ass, you Ivy League idiot.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.