It’s the end of the year, when journalists take off for two weeks for the holidays, but try to pretend they’re always on the clock by writing, often weeks in advance, their annual top ten lists. See, this way, the media have things to publish, the writers get the time off, and you’re none the wiser. It’s nothing more than phoning it in, but with even less work.

1. Top 10 Actors Named Nick

1. Nick Adams
2. Nicholas Cage
3. Nick Nolte
4. Nick Robinson
5. Nick Stahl
6. Nick Cannon
7. Nick Searcy
8. Nick Zano
9. Nick Carter
10. Nick Jonas

2. Top 10 Worst Episodes of Mannix

1. Coffin for a Clown (1:10)
2. Enter Tami Okada (8:8)
3. A World Without Sundays (7:8)
4. Wine from These Grapes (5:4)
5. A Question of Murder (7:22)
6. Who Is Sylvia? (3:19)
7. Design for Dying (8:22)
8. Sorting Through Junk Mail (6:32)
9. Starring Nicholas Cage (9:3)
10. Stuff We Found in a Drawer (9:14)

3. Top 10 Least Interesting Life Hacks

1. Use paper clips to temporarily fasten related papers together
2. Bookmarks can be used to save your place in reading material
3. Turn your car off when not in use and save gas
4. Hot water is ideal for washing things
5. Socks work best when worn inside of shoes
6. Rinse, then repeat: never the other way around
7. Use oregano to rid your home of a lingering Ed Asner
8. Remove the fortune cookie message prior to eating the shell
9. Cook chicken thoroughly before serving
10. Remove sun shade before driving

4. Top 10 Movies With Sorin Brouwers

1. The Lucky Ones
2. The Return of Joe Rich
3. Frames
4. In Between Engagements
5. Amensia: Who Are You?
6. 4 and a Half Terrorists
7. Marla
8. The Guitarist
9. Definitely Not Tainted
10. Consent

5. Top 10 Ways to Say “Five”

1. 五
2. Five
3. पंज
4. Cinco (Spanish)
5. Пять
6. خمسة
7. পাঁচ
8. Cinco (Portuguese)
9. Lima
10. Cinq

6. Top 10 Smallest Towns in Iowa

1. Woodburn
2. Garden Grove
3. Packwood
4. Melvin
5. Arthur
6. Linden
7. Rembrandt
8. Westgate
9. College Springs
10. Clutier

7. Top 10 Least Intriguiging Episcopalian Churches

1. St. Dean’s Episcopal Church
2. St. Ambrose’s Episcopal Church
3. St. Mark’s Almost Episcopal Church
4. St. Abercrombie & Fitch’s Episcopal Church
5. St. Starbuck’s Across From Baby Gap Episcopal Church
6. St. Church of the Screaming Nativity’s Episcopal Church
7. St. Nicholas Cage’s Episcopal Church
8. St. Santa Claus’s Episcopal Church
9. St. Anne’s Roman Catholic Episcopal Church
10. St. All Saint’s Episcopal Church

8. Top 10 Least Popular Colors

1. Burlywood
2. Firebrick
3. Moccasin
4. Saddle
5. Honeydew
6. Thistle
7. Gainsboro
8. Mint Rose
9. Drunk Irish Bastard
10. Zydeco

9. Top 10 Worst Girls This Reporter Actually Kissed

1. Nicholas Cage
2. Rebecca
3. Cindy
4. Lucinda
5. Jennifer
6. Lingering Ed Asner
7. Bethany
8. Connie
9. The Aswan Dam
10. Rebecca (the one at Darryl’s party)

10. Top 10 Newest Buick Enclaves

1. The 2016 Buick Enclave
2. The 2015 Buick Enclave
3. The 2014 Buick Enclave
4. The 2013 Buick Enclave
5. The 2012 Buick Enclave
6. The 2011 Buick Enclave
7. The 2010 Buick Enclave
8. The 2009 Buick Enclave
9. The 2008 Buick Enclave
10. The 2007 Buick Enclave

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.