America’s broken, and it’s not the rabble’s fault. Quite the opposite, in fact.

Who broke America? Smug bureaucrats, smirking media types (print, radio, and TV), condescending professoriate, and detached politicians of both parties broke it.

How did they break America? They broke America by forgetting the most important term of America’s social contract: leave me the fuck alone.

Up until the 1960s, America had pretty much held true to this fundamental principle. Sure, Democrats went batshit crazy in the 1930s, passing big government program after big government program to beat the Great Depression, but few if any of them intruded into the private lives of Americans.*

Civil rights activists convinced America in the early 1960s the only way to end state-sponsored racial discrimination was to use federal power to force states to jettison the not-quite-slavery-but-still-pretty-awful Jim Crow laws. The civil rights activists were morally correct, but unleashing federal government to usurp states’ Constitutional prerogatives had unintended consequences.

Dirty, nasty hippies and other Boomer miscreants leaped at the chance to use federal power to cram down all manner of intrusive laws on Americans.

“Hey, man, Earth Day was a great excuse to get stoned, be a lazy sack of dung, and strum my out-of-tune guitar on the quad. Let’s have Earth Day every day!” Goodbye states’ rights, hello EPA (and the Clean Air Act, the Clean Water Act, RCRA, and CERCLA).

It was only a short hop from yesterday’s draft-dodging, tree-hugging, Boomer stoners to today’s crappers that can’t adequately flush a turd, or light bulbs in name only (CFLs), or endangered avian species emulsification systems (wind turbines).

“Hey, man, the people totally need, like, free health care. They do it in Europe, so why not here?” Goodbye, state’s rights, hello ObamaCare.

It was only a short hop from yesterday’s one-worlding, acid-dropping, university-bombing radical hippies to today’s intrusive, federally mandated, bank-breaking, family-bankrupting, worse-than-the-status-quo, one size fits none, Rube Goldberg, insurance scheme.

Emboldened by the lack of pushback to its unconstitutional refusal to smack down the federal government’s breach of the Constitution’s federal framework, the Supreme Court embarked on a now half-century long march through America’s cultural heritage, unilaterally declaring divisive social issues such as abortion and gay marriage the law of the land.

“Hey, man, we totes know states are moving towards legalizing abortions, society’s never been more mobile, and there’s absolutely nothing in the Constitution about it, but we found a hitherto unknown right to privacy hiding right there in the really cool penumbras!”

“Hey, man, we can totally see states rapidly legalizing gay marriage, but screw it. We want in on the fun, too. So, TEH GHEY MARRIJ 4 EVREE1 BCUZ ALL TEH FEELS!!1!!eleventy!!!”

And let’s not even get ‘Puter started on the ruin Boomer “progressives” have wrought in America’s once great universities. Critical Race Theory, political correctness, and Fill-in-the-Blank Studies majors are refuges for intellectually incurious proto-fascists bent on imposing a new world order (motto: This time, it’ll be different!) by brainwashing the easily led and shouting down anyone who dares disagree with their morally retarded pipedreams.

A pox on the current campus correctness climate! Screw Black Lives Matter. And damn “professors” like Melissa Click whose scorched earth campaign against the First Amendment is as short-sighted as it is loathsome.

But enough ranting for the moment. What do environmental regulations, ObamaCare, abortion, political correctness, and gay marriage have in common? They are government intrusions into Americans’ private lives.

Americans can’t make up their own minds on divisive social issues anymore. Government has done so and will do so for them, whether Americans like it or not. America is not supposed to work like this, and Americans viscerally know it. Government is supposed to be our servant, not vice-versa.

When Americans dare speak truths, such as “Islamic societies are the leading enablers and exporters of terrorism in the world,” we are called Islamophobes by our government, by our “educators,” and by our media.

When Americans dare speak truths such as “abortion always ends a human life,” we are called anti-science woman haters by our government, by our “educators,” and by our media.

When Americans dare speak truths, such as “government has no right to snoop through my email, or to rummage through my phone, without a warrant” we are called terrorist enablers by our government, by our “educators,” and by our media.

Americans are tired of politicians’ empty promises to restore the appropriate balance of power between the citizens and its government. Currently, it’s the government and its citizens.

Frankly, ‘Puter doesn’t give two craps if a family of gay black men and their adopted transgendered children worship Satan in their ramshackle trailer in the Appalachian foothills, drinking nothing by Mountain Dew and eating nothing but Cheetos, so long as ‘Puter’s not paying for it and everyone’s a consenting adult. And you shouldn’t care, either, so long as the gay married Satanists with weird kids, Cheetos-stained fingers, and rotten teeth return the favor.

But far too many of us won’t return the favor, Democrat or Republican. We’re obsessed with using an ever-metastasizing federal government to enforce our will on others, and it’s poisoning us and our country.

So, here America sits in 2016, looking over the steaming manure pile that is our current presidential contest.

On one side, a socialist and a slightly-less-socialist Vagina-American haggle over how much more intrusive government ought to be in order to cram down “progressive” values on unwilling Americans. Sure, you might not like progressivism now, but with just the right amount of jackbooted thugs standing on your throat, you’ll learn to love it.

On the other side, Captain Hairdo and his merry band of thuggish, Know-Nothing followers argue for a bigger government, huge and classy, to cram down allegedly conservative views on unwilling Americans. Sure, enlarging government to use as a tool of oppression is just about the least conservative thing ever, but hey, the other guys are losing, amirite?

And here in the vast middle sit Americans, angry as Hell, who want nothing more than to be left the fuck alone. Get out of our houses. Get out of our churches. How dare you tell us for whom we must bake cakes? How dare you deign to tell us our religious beliefs must bend before your equally religious belief in Government, the Supreme Good? How dare you dictate the types of toilets and lightbulbs we must use? Who do you think you are?

You do not know how to live our lives better than we do. You have no idea of who we are, whom we love, or what we think. You are not our betters, morally, spiritually, or intellectually. You are our employees, plain and simple.

Now shut your [gosh-darned] mouths, do your overpaid government jobs, and get the Hell out of our houses.

* It took the biggest of big government programs, World War II, to resuscitate America’s flatlined economy. Well, that and the destruction of every major industrial power’s manufacturing capacity. When you’re competing in a global economy against countries recently bombed back to the Stone Age, it ain’t exactly hard to succeed.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.