Trump v Clinton: How they Compare

It’s getting harder and harder to look forward to a 2016 election. You know, it’s been a very long time since both parties put up utter losers while the other party was so vulnerable. This should have been a cakewalk by either party, but because the average American is The Jersey Shore right now, we are stuck with two total morons as options.

So how do the candidates compare?


Donald Trump	Hillary Rodham Clinton
Possible felon Against free trade Changes mind based on what supporters want to hear Mega rich Unable to function without cadre of handlers and assistants Quasi-distaste for Bill Clinton Shrewd No clue how military works No foreign policy skills or accomplishments Foul-mouthed Tied to a scam organization that made millions off people; see Trump U. Very unlikely to finish term because he’ll get bored and suddenly elect to do something else. Vice-presidential choice will be key.	Possible felon Against free trade Changes mind based on what supporters want to hear Mega rich Unable to function without cadre of handlers and assistants Quasi-distaste for Bill Clinton Shrew No clue how military works No foreign policy skills or accomplishments Foul-mouthed Tied to a scam organization that made millions off people; see Clinton Foundation Very unlikely to finish term because she’ll be tied to a major scandal. Vice-presidential choice will be key.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.