‘Puter hasn’t written much of late, not because there’s nothing to write about, but because there’s too much to write about. Today, ‘Puter shall take a bit of time to bitch about the worst people on the face of the Earth, ever. Worse than Nazis.

‘Puter’s talking about so-called journalists.

Yes, this year’s election is a sh*tstorm non pareil. Yes, Trump is a hot garbage fueled dumpster fire. Hillary’s a brain damaged, power hungry, fascist geriatric. And yes, America’s going down the crapper as a direct result of the Left’s long march through America’s civic institutions. But that doesn’t bother our intrepid heroes, journalists! No siree!

Journalists are here to make sure we get the news we deserve, and that we get it good and hard. Journalists do this by making sure the narrative is preserved at all costs. ‘Puter’s not sure what “the narrative” is (and frankly, neither are journalists), but it appears to be a nasty mashup of whatever load of Leftist horsesh*t passes for smart these days and Gollum’s ring. Journalists must protect the precious!

Media’s currently on a “we are the defenders of the republic, and have a duty to tank any candidate we alone deem dangerous to the Republic.” You arrogant passel of morally preening pricks! Exactly who the f*ck do you think you are? You’re nothing more than a bunch of college kids who couldn’t cut it in hard science or traditional liberal arts, so you thought to yourself “I’m pretty, and people like to listen to me!” and chose a totally made up major, journalism.

Most “journalists” Left or Right have no earthly idea about the history behind anything on which they report. Journalists are kids who were too dumb to major in sociology and barely smart enough not to major in Fill in the Blank Studies. They studied how to put on makeup, write up a story by using Wikipedia and Google, read a teleprompter, and f*ck their way to the top. But few if any put in the hard work to actually frikkin’ learn anything about the world or themselves. These self-important empty-headed hairdos have no idea what they don’t know, and that’s what makes them so danged dangerous.

“Journalists” think Putin’s dreamy because he provided safe harbor to Snowden, hero of free access to information! Putin goes tiger hunting, isn’t that cute? Man, those Sochi Olympics were awesome! “Journalists” don’t know or don’t care that Putin is KGB to the core, and that everything Putin’s doing is to weaken the West and its alliances while benefitting Russia. Crimea and Donetsk have been memory holed. Anyone heard anything about Georgia lately? Nope. Because Putin plays a long game, and media’s (un)focused on tonight’s edition of Short Attention Span theater.

Here’s what most “journalists” “know” about Israel.

Once upon a time, there was a place called Palestine full of Palestinians who were in no way Jews (who totes have no claim to any part of any land called Israel, because they were never there, no matter what your quaint sky god book tells you). One day, the evil Jews decided (with a little nudge from Hitler, who was totes right about the Jews, but we “journalists” can’t say that because the moronic FauxNooz set will call us bigots) to move to Palestine. The Jews killed all the Palestinians without any warning, and enslaved those it didn’t kill. That was way back in the ancient 1940s, like when our grandparents lived, and they’re dead and forgotten now, so you know it’s old. Today, Israel is known for killing Muslims because they can, stealing Muslims’ homes, and opposing our Lord and Savior Barack H. Obama (pbuh). All right thinking people must oppose Israel. Totes join your local BDS movement, and ignore the fact that most are fronts for anti-Semites, socialists, or Muslims (but ‘Puter repeats himself). The end.

These journalistic assclowns have no idea that in reality, the United Nations sanctioned a Jewish Israel in 1948, offering Muslim “Palestinians,” (really, just tribal Muslims who happened to be in the area) their own homeland, too. Instead of accepting the UN’s offer, the surrounding Muslim nations attacked Israel, which promptly kicked those Muslim nations’ asses. It’s the Palestinians who are engaged in an unending attempt to exterminate the Jews, not vice versa.

“Journalists” believe as an article of faith that global warming (now, conveniently, climate change, since there’s no warming) is solely caused by man, and that only by forcibly requiring everyone except them and their rich, elite friends from emitting any carbon emissions whatsoever can we be saved. “Solar and wind power work!,” they dutifully intone in their pleasing baritones, ignorant of the fact that solar and wind aren’t reliable or economic. ‘Puter’s a simple guy, but he likes his electricity on when he flips the switch. If the coastal media elite want to live in the dark and cold, fine. Move your ignorant asses to North Korea, the land of endless night.

“Journalists” are singularly incurious about any event that in any manner goes against their personal beliefs.

Hillary ran an email server out of a Moscow whorehouse staffed by FSB agents? Hillary used the State Department to enrich herself and her foundation on the taxpayer dime without telling anyone? Hillary appears to have massive intellectual and physical incapacities to the point she can’t walk up a flight of stairs? Who cares! FURST WOMMIN PREZUHDINT, AMIRITE?!?!

Planned Parenthood’s selling aborted babies’ body parts to research firms in violation of federal law? Who cares, because abortion’s the nuts! Did I tell you about the time I totes got knocked up on Spring Break in Lauderdale after banging nine different guys in two days? Planned Parenthood totally hooked me up, scraping that totally-not-a-baby out of my diseased, flappy yut. ABORSHIN, W00T, AMIRITE?!?!

Black Lives Matter is run by hard left borderline communist activists who have lied about nearly every encounter resulting in the death of young black man of late? Ferguson rioters burned down half the town, driving out businesses and revenues? Michael Brown was a thug who just robbed a convenience store and tried to beat up a cop? Who cares? STIK IT 2 WITEY THA MANN, JESS LAHK IN COLLIDGE, AMIRITE?!?!

Remember “journalists” gleefully reporting Scalia’s death?

Remember “journalists” greasing the skids for Trump?

Remember “journalists” ignoring the Clinton’s decades long string of sexual assault, shady deals, national security breaches, and Wall Street kickbacks?

‘Puter does, and ‘Puter has this to say to “journalists.” Most of you aren’t worth the dog crap ‘Puter scraped off his shoes this morning. You’re self-absorbed, ignorant, and dangerous. People who did your job 40 years ago didn’t go to school to learn it, they apprenticed under people who were doing it. And for the most part, they got it right. They kept news and opinion separate. They would’ve punched you in the face for pushing a narrative. They worked hard, and wrote well.

You “journalists” all are pretenders. You’re intellectually and morally inferior to your forbears. Your claim to be defenders of American democracy is laughable. Your willing and ignorant cooperation in installing Democrats for the last 30 years is a stain of original sin no sacrifice can wash clean. You are corrupt and corrupting. You are despicable and beneath contempt.

And worst of all, at least in your own eyes, you are a joke, and America knows it.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.