How To Be A WaPo Headline Writer
Democracy dies in darkness, it is said; journalism dies at The Washington Post. The Czar of course exaggerates; he merely means to say that WaPo is among the worst newspapers on Earth. It’s like the New York Times, but without the excellent crossword puzzles and the usually decent scientific news coverage.
The Czar is going to teach you how to be an editor at WaPo, which should require very few steps. Don’t worry if you have no experience with journalism; the WaPo editors don’t, either. Just remember two related things—actually, you can afford to forget either one of them, provided you remember the other—President Donald Trump* is the most Evil Thing on Earth, responsible for all known woes, and Hillary Clinton, dammit, should have been President except for obscure legal glitches caused by the incredible foresight of our nation’s founders.
Everything else is just rewriting.
Example 1: In an effort to reduce the influence peddling so rampant in Washington, DC, Donald Trump nominates an individual with no lobbying connections or experience with political action groups to the Department of Commerce.
Your headline: Trump’s New Commerce Dept. Director Lacks Experience With Engine That Makes Washington Work
Example 2: A reporter informs you that the President is considering using a Clinton family friend to expand social media support in his administration.
Your headline: Trump Picks Another Millionaire Insider For New Role
Example 3: The President does not have any interest in Fantasy Baseball.
Your headline: Trump AWOL Once Again on Key Picks
Example 4: Donald Trump is not able to read Arabic.
Your headline: 422 Million People More Knowledgeable Than Trump on Basic Literacy
Example 5: Hillary Clinton is not able to read Arabic, either.
Your headline: 422 Million People More Knowledgeable Than Trump on Basic Literacy
Example 6: Donald Trump, in an amazing breakthrough, reveals that lemon juice and sage can cure every form of cancer, even though he never attended medical school or published medical research before. Nevertheless, experts concur it works.
Your headline: Trump Shows Little Knowledge, Interest in Fighting Hepatitis
Example 7: By contrast, researchers are horrified to learn that merely shaking hands with Hillary Clinton gives you cancer.
Your headline: Hillary Clinton, Four Months Later, Still Touching Voters and Affecting Their Lives Forever
Example 8: New York Knicks star Derrick Rose is out for the rest of next season, and probably the one after that, too.
Your headline: Chelsea Clinton: Why She’s Our Pick For President (Hint: She’s Her Mother’s Daughter, All Right!)
*No, the Czar cannot get used to typing that yet, but it’s only been a quarter of a year.
Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.