For Love of Emily
Mainstream Media looks in the mirror and brushes her hair furiously. How dare that dorky Donny Trump take Emily to the Delight Under the Stars dance next week? What do they see in each other? She’s so weird, with her love of Marvel movies, AR-15s, cheap beer, fireworks, and Jack Reacher books. Media bets Emily has never even read Der Capitol or watched Trevor Noah.
And Donny Trump, eeewwwwch. Okay, so he has a nice car and a big house, but have you seen that hair? No, Emily should be going out with that cool Bernie Sanders. Yeah, he’s skinny and has a weird mouth, but come on. He’s soooo smart and sooo clever. And Liz Warren, she’s cool, too. She’s like half-Choctaw Indian or something, and she’s like a million times smarter than those jocks like Scotty Walker, Mittens (seriously, what a name), or Marco Rubio (although he is kinda cute in a creepy way).
Media hates hates hates Donny. Everybody knows class president should have gone to Hillary, who’s old and smelly but so nice, but those dumb jocks had that Russian kid Yurosh totally steal the ballots when everyone was laughing at Jimmy Comey when he took over the PA system at school. Donny just sucks. He eats weird food, and he doesn’t show up on time, and he allegedly pulled his pants down in the girls’ bathroom, and Media just hates him. Not just for one thing. For everything.
Wait, her phone just bleeped. A text from fam. Oh, but check this out:
FYI Donny Trump msybe steppd in it big time.
Hearing he maybe gave Yurosh and answer from teacher's edition book.
Talking about expelling him. TTYL. Don't spread this cuz don't know if true.
Didnt hear this from me!!!
Omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod. Is this true? It’s got to be true. Why wouldn’t this be true? Omigod, this could be soooo perfect. They kick Donny out of school just before graduation, and then class president goes to Hillary by default, right? Isn’t that how it works? Media doesn’t know; she really should get around to reading the rules. But how else could this play out? It’s got to go to Hillary.
He is so expelled. Wait, what if they give the job to Mikey Pence? No way. He’s so derrrrrr and behhhhh. He’ll probably go off to join his church choir or whatever. Yeah, you totally know they’re going to call up Hillary and say “Hey, guess what? Donny is out. Done. 404ed. And guess what else? You’re in! You’re class president for like for evah.” Omigod, Media would like to be a fly on that wall. Maybe Media should call her and let her know. Hillary oughta have a lit thing to say, like “See ya, Felicia,” or something. Whatever. She’ll think of something.
Of course, Media recalls, we’ve all been here before. A dozen times. But they didn’t kick Donny out when his buddy hung out with Yurosh, or he used the p-word at the big game, or when he said he’d kick all the Islam kids out of the cafeteria. But this time, it’s different.
It has to be. Because when Donny’s out, Hillary is in. And when Hillary is in, Media becomes sick popular again, and all her old friends will want to sign her yearbook and take selfies with her again.
This time has to be different, because if it isn’t, well, Media doesn’t know what to do next.
She goes back to brushing her hair furiously in the mirror. Being a freshman is so zero chill.
Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.