The Czar understands the Grammys are nothing more than a show of money and power; music is merely the means by which the power manipulates the money. He has steadfastly avoided them since 1988, but did catch a portion of the 2018 broadcast wherein he saw Camila Cabello deliver this speech, a complete musical non sequitur about the Dreamers:

Today, in this room full of music’s dreamers, we remember that this country was built by dreams, for dreams, chasing the American dream. My parents brought me to this country with nothing in their pockets but hope. They showed me what it means to work twice as hard, and never give up. And honestly no part of my journey is any different from theirs. I’m a proud Cuban-Mexican immigrant, born in Eastern Havana, standing in front of you on the Grammy stage in New York City, and all I know is, just like dreams, these kids can’t be forgotten and are worth fighting for.

Well, here’s the thing. Her parents did not arrive here illegally by sneaking over from Mexico: they came legally through normal means. She’s not a Dreamer. And honestly, her entire journey is about 180° apart from theirs. But why screw up a good embarrassed-applause line with details, right?

The Czar also understands that Dreamers didn’t choose to be born to illegal parents, and that their parents loved them so much that they wanted these kids to have a better shot in America—even illegally—than endure the crushing poverty of rural Mexico. Got it. The Czar might make the same move in those circumstances.

But the Czar has little sympathy for today’s Dreamers…because this all happened decades ago, and these kids grew up from being little, tiny Dreamers into adults with no interest in doing the right thing for themselves or their families.

By the book, it takes five years to become a U.S. citizen; the average time is a bit longer than that, and there are thousands of people waiting in line to do just that—many from shithole countries, and many from nice countries. These folks are working hard to safeguard their families for as much of the American dream as they want to taste.

Meanwhile, we’re supposed to feel sorry for people—some of whom have been here for 30 years—because they couldn’t participate in a process that’s free and would legalize them immediately? The Czar was particularly set off by a television news interview with a woman being deported after 31 years of illegal residency, who was holding down an IT job and spoke with no trace of accent. Look, the Czar gets the idea was to show “just how American she is,” but it came off as “I’ve been able to become a citizen six times over and just didn’t love the benefits of this country enough.”

Enough. The Dreamers have been profiting from intense public relations, and the truth is that most of them—maybe even almost all—have failed to legalize themselves despite having a ridiculous amount of time to do so.

Picture your sister and her live-in boyfriend, who never seems to get work, has little interest in getting married, and spends all day living it up on her money. At some point, she needs to realize that he’s a parasite, and she needs to get rid of him. He doesn’t love her: he just knows a free ride when he sees it. People like that probably make your skin crawl: he has the power to change his life—and hers—for the better, but doesn’t see the point when the food is good and the bed is warm and dry.

At least that’s how the Czar pictures your sister. Anyway, see if you can connect the dots. If so, you can grasp our annoyance with this whole Dreamers thing.

Sorry, Ms. Cabello—they’re not you, and they’re not your parents. The Czar has so many other people to feel sorry for, so he’ll pass on a bunch of free-loaders. But we’re certainly glad your parents and you are citizens! It’s the coolest club in the world, and so easy to join.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.