Be your own bartender! It’s not hard, especially if you have several-hundred-thousand dollars to spend. But you get get by with a lot less, of course, and it helps if you actually know how to make drinks. So the Czar is here to help you learn. Here’s some of the recipes that the under over-21 crowd is drinking these days.

Vodka Tonic

One-third vodka
Two-thirds tonic water
Pour over ice
Serve with lime wedge

Gin & Tonic

One-third gin
Two-thirds tonic water
Pour over ice
Serve with lemon wedge

Vodka and 7

One-third vodka
Two-thirds seven
Pour over ice
Serve with lime wedge

Vodka Martini

One-third vodka
Two-thirds vodka
Pour over ice
Serve with olive wedge

Whiskey Sour

One-third whiskey
Two-thirds sour
Pour over ice
Serve with fruit wedge

Manhattan

Two parts rye or bourbon
One part sweet vermouth
Three dashes of Angostura bitters
Pour over ice
Serve with no fruit whatsoever, especially cherries, which is the mark of a prat.

Old Fashioned

One-third cheap rye whiskey
One-third polluted water
One-third manifest destiny
Pour over ice
Serve with sweat and hard work
Best served with the Depression

Cosmo

One-third vodka
Two-thirds metrosexual
Pour over dry ice
Serve with social wedge

Malört

One-third Jepsen’s Malört
Two-thirds humiliation
Pour over dignity
Serve with lack of self-respect

Tom Collins

One-third good looks
Two-thirds witty social banter
Pour over married women
Serve with divorce papers

Bloody Mary

One-third blood (accept no substitutes)
Two-thirds Mary
Put body on ice
Serve with celery

Irish Coffee

One-third Guinness Stout
Two-thirds Irish whiskey
Pour over ice
Serve with sarcasm

Margarita

One-third tequila
Two-thirds married women after work on a Friday
Pour over ice
Too drunk drive, honey, can you come get me?

Rubbing Slimfast

One-third rubbing alcohol (70% conc. is okay)
Two-thirds Slimfast, any flavor
Pour over ice
Serve to ’Puter

Daquiri

One-third rum
Two-thirds tap water
Pour over ice
Serve with lime wedge or whatever, because really, who the hell still orders these?

Black Russian

One-third vodka
Two-thirds soulless despair
Pour over ice, all year long
Serve with maudlin self-pity

Ramjet

One-third Jack Daniels
One-third dark rum
Two-thirds Scotch whiskey (single malt)
Three-thirds carrot juice
One-sixteenths wormwood
Seven-thirty-seconds cod liver oil
Sixteen-point threaded rod over pi Tupac Shakur
Pour over floor
Serve with ghost pepper cheese, kale,* banana leaf, peas, and sauerkraut on a toothpick

*Volgi’s tip, here, and it’s a good one.