‘Puter doesn’t know Russian (though oddly, he can sing it fluently) but he’s pretty sure Putin’s either signaling his pleasure with his fellow Soviet thugs in Massachusetts or commenting on their tiny Irish wangs.

‘Puter was perusing the Wall Street Journal this morning, as all rich oligarchs do, when he stumbled upon this piece. Why is Russian gas in Boston Harbor? ‘Puter expected to get an article on cabbage and bean eating Russian sailors.

Much to his surprise, ‘Puter learned Massholes were importing Russian natural gas despite being only a few hundred miles from the natural gas rich Marcellus shale in Pennsyltucky. ‘Puter assumed something catastrophic must’ve happened to the pipeline between the shale gas producing region and Mass-backwards-ass-achusetts.

Well, yes and no.

Turns out nothing physically happened to the pipeline. Also turns out there is no pipeline because elite genius enviroweenie do-gooders decided all fossil fuels are evil so they put the kibosh on the Access Northeast Pipeline which would’ve provided Massholes all the clean-burning natural gas they could ever want.

Now, ‘Puter’s a simple man, but there were a few questions he had about Massholes killing a project which would’ve provided domestic energy in favor of importing Russian natural gas and lining kleptocrat Vladimir V. Putin’s blood-stained pockets.*

Questions like, “Why are Massholes happily funding Putin’s war on the West instead of creating jobs in economically depressed areas of their own country?”

Or, “Do Massholes not understand Putin just attacked perhaps our closest ally with banned nerve agents?”

Or, “Do Massholes really hate the poor so much that they’re willing to make them choose between high-cost Russian natural gas and feeding their children?”

Or, “Just how beholden are Massholes’ elected representatives to Luddite enviroweenie greenies? Beholden enough to steal from the poor to give to America’s sworn enemy?”

Or, “Do Massholes not understand that in cutting off access to cheap, plentiful American shale gas they’re putting the reliability of their electric supply in question?”

Or, “Do the enviroloonies to whom Masshole politicians are listening care that there is no possible way to replace natural gas generation with renewable energy generation, not now and likely not in our lifetimes?”

‘Puter’s a simple Upstate lawyer, with a ground floor office, raccoons and possums for clients, and a suit made of burlap and twigs. Some even mock ‘Puter when he walks by, shouting “Loser Matlock!” at him until he shuffles off, teary-eyed, for the refuge of his refrigerator box home.

‘Puter doesn’t know much, but he does know this. Masshole elites are enabling an international terrorist, harming American natural gas producers, damaging the reliability of their grid, and pissing on the heads of the poor they profess to champion.

Even ‘Puter knows that’s wrong.

* Yes, ‘Puter’s mixing metaphors here. Piss off, wanker.

** And here’s another superfluous asterisked reference, linked to nothing, accomplishing nothing of value, affirmatively ignoring reality by existing, but doing the important work of signaling ‘Puter’s super-smart and can be trusted because he knows how to do elite things like asterisk.***

*** Totally not a dig at Masshole elites who do useless, harmful things to signal they’re super-awesome.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.