The Czar was in Cleveland the last few days, avoiding ‘Puter, who was wandering the Castle sweat-palmed, hoping someone would play Dingles and Dragons or whatever it’s called. When ‘Puter gets his role-playing game jones going, it’s like pon farr or something with him. He tried to teach Sleestak how to play once, but Sleestak alternate kept trying to hatch the dice by sitting on them, and at one point ate ‘Puter’s ultra-rare two-sided die, which resulted in quite the beating. Dat Ho, being your typical, Asian sneak, manages to vanish for hours at a time, and ‘Puter was once so eager for entertainment that he challenged Volgi’s yeti to play, which resulted in a lot of smashed furniture. Not much doesn’t when you involve the yeti.

The Czar loathes these games, even if they do allow ‘Puter the refreshing ability to be—at least for a few hours, anyway—someone who isn’t ‘Puter. Scrots the Elf, or Portly the Lawful, or whatever the hell he calls his character is so much better than doing what he normally does on Twitter 23 hours a day.

So the Czar was in the Don Quixotel, off 470, when he heard a little scratch at the hotel room door. The Czar sprang to his feet, whomped a bearded single-bit axe into the door, and asked, “Yes?” Silence. We opened the door to find a small, wadded up piece of paper on the floor. It was a note! A note from someone we shall call Ken, because that was the name he signed at the bottom.

Dread Czar, I believe your analysis in your post of 9 July is correct. I’ve been asking myself the same question for years. Beyond the polls, why does PETA pay for billboards claiming, “Feeding your kids meat is child abuse?” Why do they write open letters telling the Green Bay Packers to change their name to the Pickers, or change fish to “sea kittens” (both to the approbation of the establishment media)? Why does Greenpeace don giant papier-mache heads and stage die-ins over GMOs? Just as the headlines are for liberals (possibly to head off cognitive dissonance in the already “convinced” by stopping them doing their own research), it’s grandstanding for their own donor bases, to show that they’re down for the cause and donors’ money isn’t being wasted (for given values thereof). Your ob’dt, Ken

Well, Ken, if that’s your real name, of course the Czar is correct. But your observation that “it’s not just polls” is a good one we hadn’t considered. And your explanation is a fascinating one: it’s driven by money, which of course explains most things.

In fact, your summary is so good there’s almost no point in us continuing to research the matter. Because someone we don’t really know told us we were correct, we stopped thinking critically ourselves. Yes, thinking like the Left has its advantages. Good call!

If only that’s where our story ended. But it doesn’t, because we also got an email from someone whose name didn’t render except as a bunch of quesiton marks. So either this person doesn’t know how internetish mail works, or he really knows how it works, and has mastered near-anonymous email. If so, how very Gorgomonesque of you. We approve!

You ask “So why bother?” and then answer your own question with “The Czar suspects those headlines aren’t for you”. Allow me to suggest another possible interpretation: the intention is to gaslight people who don’t agree with the poll, in a similar way to how Communist countries force people to go along with absurdity.

No, we liked Ken’s explanation better; his conspiracy theory is simpler. But you’re right: the Czar does answer his own questions a great deal. Why is that? Because it’s easier to answer our own question than wait for most of you folks to do it for us. That’s the grumpy way we rolls.

You two are all right, and please email again. But if you want to do us a solid, agree to play ‘Puter’s wee elf game with him. Each session takes about twenty-two hours to set up, and then he rolls one die and announces your character is killed on the first roll. Good luck getting that time back.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.