‘Puter’s no morbidly obese, tin foil hat wearing, overpriced dietary supplement shilling, Pizzagate pushing conspiracy theorist. ‘Puter’s better than that. Just a little bit better, but still.

When it’s provable.

‘Puter is not a conspiracy theorist. ‘Puter observes events, weighs them, and comes to a logical conclusion.

‘Puter’s like Sherlock Holmes, but dumber. And not as attractive. And doesn’t have a thinly-veiled homosexual relationship with his male sidekick. And isn’t British. But other than that, exactly the same.

This week ‘Puter observed the following events:

1. Judge Brett Kavanaugh’s confirmation hearing began Tuesday.
2. The hearing went poorly – for Democrats.
3. Democratic Senators surreptitiously put “guests” in the gallery to noisily protest and create photogenic media-friendly tableaus media could plaster on the network newscasts and front pages.
4. Democratic Senators behaved worse than toddlers, repeatedly interrupting, spouting inanities, baselessly accusing Kavanaugh of holding positions he does not hold, and generally encouraging “resistance.”
5. More Americans were repulsed by Democratic protestors’ (and Senators’) antics than by Judge Kavanaugh’s competent, calm presence.
6. Democrats slowly realized their plan to paint Kavanaugh as an insane, frothy-mouthed extremist failed.
7. Democrats slowly realized their plan to paint Kavanaugh as an insane, frothy-mouthed extremist backfired showing Democrats, not Kavanaugh, to be the madman.
8. During the hearing’s day one, the Washington Post and its Pulitzer-winning reporter Bob Woodward dumped an anonymously sourced expose of the Trump White House’s alleged chaos.
9. During the hearing’s day two, the New York Times posted an opinion piece from an anonymous “senior administration official” blasting Trump as an addled, dangerously incompetent old man.

‘Puter’s conclusions are as follows:

1. Judge Kavanaugh will be confirmed.
2. Democrats are in danger of repeating the mistakes of 1968, turning the party over to a hard Left fringe.
3. Democrats and media colluded to:
   1. Change the subject from Democrats’ undemocratic “resistance” during the hearing;
   2. Step on and cover up good news for the Trump administration; and
   3. Use unverifiable, anonymous sources to smear Trump in a manner they never would have accepted for a Democratic president.

It is now undeniable to anyone of good faith that Democrats and the media are working in concert to damage a president both viscerally loathe. It is now more probable than not that Democrats and media are actively colluding to bring down a duly-elected president in derogation of ethics, morals, law, and the Constitution. Logic and reason compel these conclusions.

‘Puter’s said it before. America is at war with itself. The shooting just has not started yet.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.