BREAKING: New Must-See Evidence Kavanaugh Was A Teenage Alcoholic!
Judge Kavanaugh testifies to the Senate Judiciary Committee that he “had this many beers” before testifying last Friday, September 28, 2018.
‘Puter was rummaging through the Castle’s extensive collection of 1980s era DC high school documents looking for bad, bushy porn when he stumbled upon what may be the most consequential document to date in the Kavanaugh confirmation process. At first, ‘Puter wasn’t certain what he’d found, but as he looked closely at the torn out sheet from the ancient spiral notebook, its importance became clear.
On this ketchup and grease-stained page, ‘Puter found the following song lyrics hastily scrawled, ink smudged from what smelled like stale Milwaukee’s Best. ‘Puter’s pretty sure it was a pre-Beach Week rewrite of Kiss’s power ballad “Beth.”
Beer I hear you calling,
But I can’t drink you right now!
Me and the Squee are lifting,
And he just benched two hundred pounds!
Just a few more sets,
And I’ll be right home to you!
I think I hear Squee calling!
Oh, beer what can I do?
Beer what can I do?
I’m terrified of empties,
So I hid a case at home!
I’m always somewhere ralphing,
And you’re always there with foam!
Just a few more sets,
And I’ll be right home to you!
I think I hear Squee calling!
Oh, beer what can I do?
Beer what can I do?
Beer, I know you’re lonely,
And I hope you’ll be alright!
‘Cause me and the Squee’ll be boofing all night!
At the end, in barely legible, obviously drunken scrawl, is the following signature: “Bart O’Kavanaugh, student at the second best Jesuit high school in DC.”
No serious person viewing this compelling evidence can any longer doubt Judge Brett Kavanaugh is a raging alcoholic rapist who probably also murders puppies and worships Mary and the saints.
Media inquiries, contact ‘Puter’s personal secretary Miss McGee. She can be reached her direct line in ‘Puter’s Rumpus Room, Castle Gormogon. Dial the Castle’s front desk and ask to be transferred. All uses must credit ‘Puter Gormogon.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.