Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.
While Twitter might now be X, to compete better with Facebook Meta, we’re sticking with the name you’ve come to know and dread us by. And when X goes back to being called Twitter, we’ll still be here. The Czar … Continue reading →
In 1988, The Satanic Verses, by Salman Rushdie, hit stores and was an immediate non-hit. But its content, very loosely based on Islamic lore, upset Ayatollah Khomeini of Iran. Not only did Khomeini not endorse the book, seek Rushdie’s autograph, … Continue reading →
In response to GorT’s thoughts below this post, the Czar has some addenda. In fact, he’s discussed this with one of our more liberal Twitter readers who agreed with the overall premise here. So in addition to the revamp of … Continue reading →
Your Czar is concerned with your health, and naturally has asked his Czarist Imperial Surgeon’s Office to prepare a bullet point list on how you can best protect yourself against the Monkey Pox, which is known as Corona Virus, MERS, … Continue reading →
Ohio House poised to eliminate permit requirements for carrying concealed weapons reads the headline on Cleveland.com (née, the Cleveland Plain Dealer, the Czar believes). This article is a great example of media following a template written for it by others. The … Continue reading →
Desperate times call for desperate measures, of course. But when the measures get truly desperate, they also get truly goofy. Remember that scene in the Marx Brothers movie Go West, where they’re on a train that’s running out of coal? … Continue reading →
A little diversion for our listeners. The Czar talks about recent scientific breakthroughs and then we tune into some 2021 Olympic coverage of the 2020 Olympics….after this commercial. The Czar of MuscovyБожію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и … Continue reading →
Your Czar is concerned with your health, and naturally has asked his Czarist Imperial Surgeon’s Office to prepare a bullet point list on how you can best protect yourself against the monkey pox, which is known as the Corona, Zombie … Continue reading →
The Woke activists really think they won a major cultural victory with President* Biden signing a bill to make Juneteenth a federal holiday. Now, this probably won’t translate into a general day off for Americans, just as Columbus Day and … Continue reading →
The Narcissist Narcissists come in many flavors, with “harmless” being the most popular; however, a dangerous type of narcissist can ruin people’s lives, destroy reputations, and cost people their jobs—and often, the narcissist is oblivious to the damage he or … Continue reading →
Who doesn’t love boobies? You see the word all over social media, but what does it really mean? And how much do you know about them? The Czar, ever the sort of person who likes to lord his expansive knowledge … Continue reading →
The Czar, ‘Puter, and GorT gather to initially talk about TV and movies but spent more time, given current events, talking about politics and racism. We’ll patch in the TV/movie discussion into the next episode. GorTGorT is an eight-foot-tall robot … Continue reading →
Assuming there’s going to be a President Joe Biden* in January, he should realize that he has been given a very clear mandate on how to run the country. With a record number of voters casting ballots, few presidents have … Continue reading →
The Joe Biden presidency,* assuming there eventually is one, will always have an asterisk after its name due to the incredibly unlikely events which transpired on the evening of Election Day, 2020, and the days which followed. Reasonably, because Biden … Continue reading →
Didja miss last night’s debate? Most Americans did. The Czar wouldn’t be surprised, though, to see a slight uptick in ratings over most last-debate-before-election debates only because a lot of people were hoping to see a rage-fueled Donald Trump rip … Continue reading →
Looks like I don’t have to do a write up of the next debate. The Czar of MuscovyБожію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, … Continue reading →
Americans of all political stripes united together last night to ask “What the hell did I just watch?” Of course, the Czar is talking about the first—and potentially last—2020 Presidential Debate. Not only was there surprisingly little actual debate between … Continue reading →
The Czar can’t remember when the Gormogons last had a multi-post debate, but GorT’s piece, ”We Missed an Opportunity,” echoes a conversation the Czar had at dinner with his elder boy, who not only asked the same questions GorT did, … Continue reading →
Operative AB needs to know more about body language, as he wants to be fluent in many bodies. He’s requested the above helpful guide, but got this instead. This cat is telling you he knows too much. The kid is … Continue reading →
Your dog is always trying to tell you things, and you’re smart enough not to listen. But if you did, do you know what your dog is saying? Dogs don’t use words like people or birds do, or even puppets, … Continue reading →
Conservatives may not resort to temper tantrums (as often), vandalize private or public property, nor assume words have no consequences quite like Liberals do, but they do share an annoying trait: they can complain like anything! The irony is that … Continue reading →
Operative K takes time off from Tcho-Tcho whipping* to write in as well on the subject of statue toppling, and agrees with the Czar—which is largely why he gets the good jobs around the Castle. Dread Czar, I write today … Continue reading →
AB has taken time off from microwaving fireworks in the kitchen to send a thought about Why Statues Topple. Czar… It’s even more simple that that. The people toppling the statues have zero connection to the past. They are either … Continue reading →
So New York’s Museum of Natural History is contemplating—which means executing—the removal of Teddy Roosevelt’s famous statue. And why not? He’s been declared a racist and colonialist, even though he was most assuredly not a racist and actually fought against … Continue reading →
What do you call a journalist who learns from his mistakes? Unemployed. The media once again have absolutely no clue what’s going on, and are basically relying on what they’re reading on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram to regurgitate a mass … Continue reading →
Look, it’s not as easy as it seems. In the last two weeks, the Czar has had issues with Chinese products. Indeed, nearly the same issue with both. The Царевич wanted a small, portable hard drive so that he could … Continue reading →
This hasn’t been working for me lately. Something GorT did, I heard, but I seem to have found my way back in. The Czar of MuscovyБожію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was … Continue reading →
You’ve heard the expression a bunch of times by now: “Get woke, go broke.” This simple four-word social media response often follows news stories about popular media events suffering huge financial losses after bending to Leftist diversity stereotypes. You heard … Continue reading →
Your Czar is concerned with your health, and naturally has asked his Czarist Imperial Surgeon’s Office to prepare a bullet point list on how you can best protect yourself against the Corona virus, which is known as the Zombie Deer, … Continue reading →
At least, we think you did. Perhaps hope is a better word. Anyhow, the Gormogons are pleased to announce Season 3.0 of our award-not-winning-or-remotely-nominated podcast series is about to start production. This season promises even more episodes will be added … Continue reading →
The Internet has a lot of useful things, but as we all know, it has a lot of nonsense as well. While that indeed is obvious, even reasonable people can—from time to time—get lost in trying to determine which is … Continue reading →
Wow. The Czar got some actual mail the other day, and for a second, he had to check the date, as it’s been a while since anyone has sent anything. Fortunately, it was from Operative B, who had this to … Continue reading →
If you’re like most Americans and are fortunate enough to have a 401(k), you probably noticed that it’s gone up by $2.6 million dollars for every hundred you have invested in it. The Czar exaggerates, of course, but returns right … Continue reading →
Our American readers probably don’t care much for or about the British elections, and whether Nigel Kennewick has held onto the Constituency of West Scrotshire, establishing an opportunity for a coalition with the New Conservative Democratic Liberal Reform Social Party. … Continue reading →
The Supreme Court of the United States, which is apparently an illegitimate entity since it was taken over by Donald Trump, is going to hear a Second Amendment case arising from the state of New York. This is interesting to … Continue reading →
Let’s just get to the questions you want answered in life: what’s the difference between a bar, a tavern, a pub, and a saloon? A lot of these words are interchangeable, especially in the United States, so it will likely … Continue reading →
At this point, impeaching Donald Trump is little more than an obvious media stunt. Although polls show that quite a few Americans support his impeachment, there’s a little reminder about polls that should pause anyone zealously hoping this means something: … Continue reading →
Your Czar is concerned with your health, and naturally has asked his Czarist Imperial Surgeon’s Office to prepare a bullet point list on how you can best protect yourself against the Zombie Deer virus, which is known as the Zika, … Continue reading →
A lot of people make a big deal about open-heart surgery, especially those undergoing it, but in fact it’s quite easy to do, the Czar figures. Think about it. The heart’s always in the same place, it makes itself pretty … Continue reading →
Today’s guest post comes from a long-time contributer, Dr. (KN)J, who is of course no relation to our own Dr. J., because, really that would be horrific for the former. Dr. (KN)J, for example, understands math, but he does not … Continue reading →
“War is politics by other means.”—von Clausewitz “Politics is war by other means.”—any Democrat since 1968 Killing the Golden Goose It’s pretty clear the Democrats know they are handing Trump an easy re-election. The middle class, in particular, seems to … Continue reading →
The Czar always suspected that grilling watermelon is a real possibility, and this weekend he took advantage of some old friends stopping by the dacha to do just that. Fortunately, the week before, one of the Czar’s neighbors introduced him … Continue reading →
The Czar is by no means the biggest fan of dessert. While millions of folks bang their forks and spoons at the restauramt, screaming “Caaaaake” like a bunch of over-caffeinated seven-year-olds at a birthday party the second the waiter shows … Continue reading →
Well, you long-time readers know the Castle Gormogon so well that you could walk to it from the Leaping Peacock with your eyes closed, which in fact is how ‘Puter and the Czar often have to do it. But we … Continue reading →
“Gosh,” the Czar exclaimed to his lovely wife, “Gormogonicon 2019 is just days away, and we still don’t have a venue!” As long-time readers know, we are loath to host our annual get-together at the Castle because (a) the Castle … Continue reading →
The Цесаревич has always been fascinated by politics at all levels (local, municipal, state, and federal…and spends a lot of time watching elections overseas, too), and rather unsurprisingly is considering political science as his college major. As he gets older, … Continue reading →
The Czar meant to post this over the weekend, but he so busy doing nothing important that he totally forgot. The Czar will answer your questions on whatever the name is of this latest Marvel movie. Is this movie as … Continue reading →
Imagine New York, and you might put the Statue of Liberty in that image. Think of San Francisco, and most of us still picture the Golden Gate. St. Louis? The Arch! Los Angeles? The Hollywood sign. Picture Portland, and nearly … Continue reading →
If you’re solidly into triple-digit IQs, you’ve already seen a bunch of Jackie Chan movies. You understand they’re brilliantly directed, with hilarious scenes, literally death-defying stunts, and action that begs to be rewound and watched again. Did he seriously just … Continue reading →
Today, the Czar took both boys to the cinema house to see Godzilla: King of the Monsters. True fact: we just had to look that up because the Czar totally forgot the formal name of the movie. This is a weird … Continue reading →
The entire state of Massachusetts has announced, earlier today, that it is running for the presidency of the United States in 2020, now doubling the number of Democrat hopefuls. The Czar of MuscovyБожію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и … Continue reading →
The stock market closed around 26,500 last Friday afternoon, although at 9:30 that morning, it was at 26,160. That’s a 1% difference. Interestingly, it was at 26,500 on Thursday afternoon, so even if you were one of the very few … Continue reading →
Anyway, forget about all that: Avengers: Endgame is out in theaters, and the Czar took up nearly his entire weekend watching it once. No doubt, you’ve got questions, so here’s our spoiler-free take on the movie. Is it as long as … Continue reading →
Not that President Trump needs to be reminded that he sometimes says dopey stuff, but the news media suffers from a form of priapism where he is concerned, turning every news story into a rant about him, or linking every … Continue reading →
Illinois introduced the Firearm Owners Identification Card in 1968. The FOID card is easily obtained—today, you pay a $10 fee (to cover the cost of a background check and the materials) and it’s good for ten years—and is necessary to … Continue reading →
The world is ending once again, in case you’re missing it. Today’s skyfall is the failure of the Green New Deal in the Senate. Except, of course, it wasn’t really the Green New Deal; the vote was only for a … Continue reading →
Another Marvel movie opening weekend, and another tsunami of movie critics complaining that audiences continue to suffer from superhero movie fatigue, while of course Captain Marvel is set to hit about a half-billion dollars in less than 72 hours. The … Continue reading →
Senator Bernie Sanders gave a town hall rally to wildly enthusiastic supporters last night, allegedly moderated by the curiously incurious Wolf Blitzer on CNN. The Czar notes Wolf’s utter lack of interest in follow-up questions, taking Sanders’ word for everything. … Continue reading →
Tearing open the mail bag, we find: Dread Sovereigns, et cetera: Query from the local field office: Do the two Nigerian guys get counted as “violence by immigrants”, or “doing jobs Americans won’t do”, or both…? Yours with dread terror, … Continue reading →
In 2009, a census worker was found lynched to a tree in Kentucky, the word “FED” scrawled on his chest. All signs, gloated the media, pointed to right-wing (i.e., racist) perpetrators. The Czar immediately knew it was a hoax, and … Continue reading →
You already know the story, so there’s no point rehashing it. But what a perfect psychological study. If you’re a member of the media, the idea of MAGA-hat-wearing teenagers mocking a lovable, old Native American man so totally fits the … Continue reading →
Today’s whatever comes from Operative B, who raises an index finger and says… Your Maj, The partial shutdown has revealed a giant secret: the TSA is mostly unnecessary and unneeded. From the San Francisco Airport web page: “Covenant Aviation Security, … Continue reading →
The Czar was able to take the boys to today’s showing of the new Peter Jackson movie They Shall Not Grow Old, which is a remarkable new documentary utterly devoid of giant gorillas, orcs, and aliens, and turn his superbly … Continue reading →
Anybody can pack wet sand into a bucket, turn it over, pat the bucket bottom, and lift up to leave a truncated cylinder of sand and call that a sand castle. That’s precisely what the Czar did for this post, … Continue reading →
This tweet caught the Czar’s tired, crusty eye (the other eye’s fine, though): Sorry guys, you don’t get to shit yourselves every time a white person voices an ethnic Disney character and then say Warren’s lie is no big deal. … Continue reading →
A ten-year-old girl with a backpack shuffles along the right side of the road, including a theatrical stomp-limp that parents know all too well as an angry walk. The video shows Dad attentively following her at a slow pace in … Continue reading →
It’s past time for liberals to admit they never believed their bullshit about border security. In the last few years, liberals have finally come clean about God (no place for Him in their platform), abortion (killing babies isn’t just allowable, … Continue reading →
As you know, your hometown lost the benefits of having Amazon open its second headquarters there. This is also true even if you live in Crystal City, Virginia, or the New York City area where they elected to land. As … Continue reading →
If you were elected to national office yesterday, please skip down to your specific section. Thanks. Republicans Congratulations on your win in the Senate and, to a lesser extent, your wins in the House. As you try to figure out … Continue reading →
As the Czar discusses the Neil Armstrong biopic First Man, this will be less of a movie review and more of a jeremiad about social media. By now, you’ve heard, through Facebook and Twitter, that the Ryan Gosling movie gets … Continue reading →
Didja hear? The stock market is in really bad shape right now. According to CNN today, it tumbled 400 points! PBS said it dived. Investor’s Business Daily disagreed, saying it plunged. Wow, we must live in very scary times, economically … Continue reading →
This is the sort of stuff that drives the Czar flipping crazy. So if you see serfs being flipped all over the dacha, today, you’ll understand the Czar is crazy. Today is probably a good day to steer clear of … Continue reading →
Hey sports fans, no doubt you’re ignoring the playoffs to continue to tweet about the Kavanaugh nomination. Ignoring for the moment he’s already behind his new desk and set up his voice mail greeting as Justice Thomas tells him where … Continue reading →
Today the Czar celebrates on of the best things to wolf down while drinking an ice-cold cola and watching a mid-1980s action film: the gyros. The Czar suspects many Americans still don’t know what this is. Basically, it’s shaved lamb … Continue reading →
Shall we? Because here it is. Democrats have no interest in any FBI investigation or justice for Dr. Ford. They simply want Brett Kavanaugh to go away. Frankly, they will not accept any further Trump nomination, either, so don’t even … Continue reading →
You know, we used to get letters from The Doublewide in the past, and it warmed the Czar’s twisted, desiccated, black-burnt little heart to see one arrive. JAB, one of our longest-serving minions, has a keen eye for detail and … Continue reading →
With the type of absolutist thinking that crashes arguments made by high school freshmen, the need to reduce the Brett Kavanaugh accusations into a binary argument have completely missed the reality of how both sides could be right in this … Continue reading →
The life of an actor is really something under socialism. Hollywood is so different. You wait tables, or jockey cars as a porter at a dealership, watching people with less talent than you grimace if you put too much ice … Continue reading →
Nike’s marketing team decided it wanted to be edgier, or some such, and approved its advertising agency’s move to use Colin Kaepernick as the centerpiece of a new campaign. Nike understands that Kaepernick is fairly well loathed across America, but … Continue reading →
You know what’s even better than not researching anything about a topic? Having someone else do all that research for you. The Czar won the lottery (figuratively) twice this month when receiving two emails (literally) about his recent Spotlight on … Continue reading →
Roman Catholics and non-Catholics alike reeled from the news that the Pennsylvania attorney general has released a grand jury report detailing—and the Czar means detailing—hundreds of reports of child abuse by Pennsylvania priests between the 1940s and 2000s. In most … Continue reading →
The Czar has decided we should all learn about Kiribati, which is evidently either an island or a chain of islands. The Czar isn’t sure where, but suspect somewhere in a large body of water. Probably a good place to … Continue reading →
Our castle has a big, silver (and frequently lethal) robot dwelling within, and his piece on Federalism yesterday got the Czar thinking about something he read on Twitter. The ever-brilliant (and darned nice about it, too) @Molratty had a short … Continue reading →
The Gormogons wish, collectively, all of you have enjoyed the last ten years of frivolity and pithy commentary. We’ve gone from a bunch of no-name jackasses with various dependency problems and a seldom-read website to, in only a decade, being … Continue reading →
Almost a year ago, media conglomerate Tronc purchased the New York Daily News. Tronc is a fairly lean animal, with a penchant for nice things nevertheless, and knows a bit about turning newspapers around. They pulled the Chicago Tribune up out … Continue reading →
The Czar was in Cleveland the last few days, avoiding ‘Puter, who was wandering the Castle sweat-palmed, hoping someone would play Dingles and Dragons or whatever it’s called. When ‘Puter gets his role-playing game jones going, it’s like pon farr … Continue reading →
Or, “what’s the point?” The Czar wonders this each time he sees a news story promoting a poll that obviously doesn’t add up. Do most Americans favor abortion? It doesn’t seem so, yet there’s another poll that suggests maybe they … Continue reading →
After avoiding the subject for quite a long while, the Czar got around to trying the Sig-Sauer P320 full-size in 9mm. This particular firearm is noteworthy because it’s the long-awaited successor to the Beretta 92 SBF, also known as the … Continue reading →
Good morning, World Cupheads! The Czar and Ghettoputer are arguing by email whether the Czar’s beloved baseball is the worst sport ever, or if ‘Puter is wrong and soccer is the worstest. We both agree that hockey is about the … Continue reading →
Badger Trowelsworthy writes in to pose an ethical question. Your Immensity: All who grovel before The Throne of Skulls are quick to voice agreement with Your Inscrutable Self but in the matter of chimney starters for charcoal my affirmation is … Continue reading →
Hi, everybody! As you know, we Gormogons love to grill, smoke, and cook outdoors, and we’re definitely well into that season, again. The Czar has already completed his self-appointed projects for the year (smoked pork chops, pizzas, flat breads, and … Continue reading →
Some thoughts on the North Korean meeting in Singapore. Obviously, Americans of both political stripes have every reason to be suspicious of this event. North Korea, personified, is a pathological liar. Like a substance abuser, North Korea will twist and … Continue reading →
As you have heard, the GOP is in about the worst shape imaginable for the 2018 elections. The only party facing worse odds is the Democrat party. The long-promised blue tsunami might be a small puddle in some areas. This … Continue reading →
Most Americans seem to be able to sleep at night without having any clue of how the Supreme Court of the United States (SCROTUS) works. Most Americans have no idea how many justices sit on the court, although the numbers … Continue reading →
The fact it appeared on World News Daily should have been a hint, as was its coverage on UK-based websites. But when the Mandarin reported to the Czar that Fox News was covering the story incorrectly, well, the Czar needed … Continue reading →
One of the British princes is getting married to a former American, and thousands of Americans will be glued to the events in rapt fascination; the rest of us won’t remotely understand the appeal of this. Wasn’t despising royalty the … Continue reading →
The Czar, against his better judgment because now our free time is wasted, has started to explore Netflix. One reason why is his love for the Marvel Cinematic Universe. And you probably know, if you’ve even read this far, that … Continue reading →
The Democrats cannot, apparently, let go of their obsession with Donald Trump. Stormy Daniels! Russia! Probes! Russian probes! Probing Stormy Daniels! Comey! And all of this seems, in the Czar’s opinion, to revolve around one concept: we need to invalidate … Continue reading →
Here’s the Czar’s spoiler-free review of Infinity War: It has a lot of very expensive actors in it. There are special effects. Lots of stuff gets resolved from earlier movies. Other stuff not as much. There are plenty of familiar … Continue reading →
