Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.
Over at Weird Universe, Alex there has a compilation of predictions for the year 2013 made in 1913 by Londons then-new Lord Mayor. This got the Czar to thinking: how were some of his predictions for 2013 made back in … Continue reading →
There isn’t a redeeming website attached to the Gawker tree. Of course, this is what happens when you have a bunch of under-educated 20-somethings trying to educate themselves through the Internet. Today’s io9 website, which seems to deal mainly with … Continue reading →
Fair is fair. The media have declared the Second Amendment ineffective. We get it. But guns are only half the problem, right? Someone has to pull the trigger. So in the same spirit that the media are looking out for … Continue reading →
The Chicago Teachers Union (CTU) is headed by Karen Lewis, who spends no time in classrooms. Of course, you likely think the Czar is criticizing her teaching experience; in fact, she appears to have spent little time in classrooms as … Continue reading →
It would have been much like this. VERY much like this: The Czar of MuscovyБожію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated … Continue reading →
The world-famous Nightfly transmitted the following to the Czar via Dream-o-Scope. Due to the length and content, the Czar elected not to use blockquotes, but instead is altering the font. Behold our power to change the very appearances of letters … Continue reading →
For most of the Americans that re-elected Barack Obama, social media is revealing that somehow they aren’t getting the guy they thought he would be. This seems incredible to those of us who have long-since recognized him as an incompetent … Continue reading →
The Burgher of Bong has been unusually silent of late, probably because Mandarin loaded him up with extra work. The Czar doesn’t pretend to understand what it is, but they have this new device that shoots blue rings of light … Continue reading →
Right now, a lot of firearm enthusiasts in Illinois are in a panic, with emails flying around urging immediate action! Illinois legislators are planning to pass a sweeping bill that will outlaw everything you like, from magazines, to pump shotguns, … Continue reading →
Correspondent Mark Spahn, of West Seneca, New York, writes in with a discovery that is certain to amaze you more than it amazed him…because he is crafty and careful by nature. Hello Czar, Synchronicity! A few minutes ago, I read … Continue reading →
2012 was quite the year, and we certainly hope 2013 is much easier, fruitful, and relaxing for you. It won’t be, by a long shot, but we can hope regardless. Meantime, as we sit between disasters, let us look back … Continue reading →
GorT raises another good example about partisan hypocrisy: generally, its bad when Republicans do X, but worthy of praise when Democrats do the same thing. There are surprisingly few counter-examplesin which Republicans get off clean but Democrats get excoriatedwhich leads … Continue reading →
Americans are supposed to be getting upset over considerations by the Federal government that all cars will be equipped with a black box sophisticated enough to determine your rate of travel, where you are, and trace your itinerary. Outrage! Of … Continue reading →
Tying up some loose ends here. The last two weeks, thanks to the Portland shooter, the Sandy Hook shooter, and the New York firefighter assassin, have triggered a hypocritical caterwauling from the liberal progressives about removing guns completely from the … Continue reading →
The Czar is, of course, dead set against the idea that Piers Morgan can, or should, be booted out of the country because he has willfully and persistently demonstrated that he is of low intelligence. In the unlikely event you … Continue reading →
Greetings. cretins! Today is Рождественский сочельник, or Christmas Eve. This is a big deal for people with Slavic blood; in fact, outsiders might think that Christmas Eve is a bigger deal than Christmas Day for Slavs. This is understandable: Christmas … Continue reading →
Somewhere in one of the dusty conference rooms at Castle Gormogon, the Mandarin and the Czar met to discuss higher education. Of the great many things discussed, we concluded that higher education as we know it could be on considerably … Continue reading →
Three things were wrong with Wayne LaPierre’s speech on behalf of the National Rifle Association. Some of us are members of the NRA, by the way, while some of us are not. Even so, and even though the NRA tends … Continue reading →
So it seems that Carter’s National Security Adviser Zbigniew Brzezinski thinks that Senator John Kerry as Secretary of State and former Senator Chuck Hagel as Secretary of Defense would be a heckuva powerful and effective team. The Senate should consider … Continue reading →
Figures there would be nitpickers. Well, maybe that’s unfair; perhaps they are sincerely concerned. Long-term Operative BG takes a break from training sea turtles to carry encoded messages to our trained attack infantry whales (The GormoPodForce™) to hector the Czar … Continue reading →
Okay, the Czar is willing to compromise on an assault weapons ban. He recommends Congress quickly pass the following restrictions through: The following weapons (“assault weapons”) shall be banned from sale effective the date of passage: Weapons with a detachable … Continue reading →
Liberals want to have a “national conversation” on the subject of guns. Uh-oh! Whenever liberals want to have a national conversation about anything, what they mean is that they want you to shut up with your reality-based facts and figures … Continue reading →
It takes a special gift to write a scientific news story about something so unscientific that the author, Joel N. Shurkin, clearly thinks is stupid as well. And he has a model example for you to read. A professor—what is … Continue reading →
The Czar found this on our Twitter feed, and is not sure who retweeted it but that is unimportant. The Czar knows many of our readers are not on teh tWitter, and may have missed this. If you want to … Continue reading →
Sources tell the Czar that there is a whisper campaign going on among the Democrats, in which a group is quietly advising the President to go along with the Republicans on the fiscal cliff issue; that fundamentally the GOP math … Continue reading →
Let us be clear on this. Arguments in favor of gun control based on the Sandy Hook tragedy are political. It’s that simple, and about as logical as calling for gun control based on a drunk driver who plows into … Continue reading →
Well, readers of this site know for whom they voted. But a lot more Americans are starting to learn that they dislike Progressives in a big way. Progressives, whose motto should change from Forward! to Overreach!, have already ticked off … Continue reading →
On EMU (not the animal): World News Daily has reported a story out of East Lansing, Michigan, home of Eastern Michigan University, involving a court settlement between that institution and a university counselor. Seems the counselor, who was a student … Continue reading →
Imagine the surprise the Czar got when he found out that a federal court has not only struck down Illinois’ concealed carry ban, but has ordered the legislature to draft a new law in 180 days or less. This means … Continue reading →
So it breaks down like this: The Liberal: Oh no! This is terrible. The government should be involved! We’re not careful. The Conservative: Oh no! This is terrible; the government could be involved if we’re not careful. The Libertarian: Oh … Continue reading →
Republican candidates evidently cannot save the GOP. But the voters sure can. And in some respects, the Republican salvation may be underway already. Too bad the candidates will never figure it out. The Republican Party does not know how to … Continue reading →
Borepatch put us onto this one, and it sounds like a bunch of hooey. According to something called (really) HotHardware.com, Verizon has developed a technology that, when put into a cable television receiver, can eavesdrop on your conversations while you … Continue reading →
Long time reader here know the Czar’s continual disgust and frustration with the news media; imagine if your doctor made as many screw ups in the course of a day. Although, with your upcoming, new, government-issued doctor, you may not … Continue reading →
The Czar cannot stress this enough: the Republicans have a major opportunity to make Democrats look like idiots. And the time has come for that to happen, too. Right now, most of the major US media outlets are telling the … Continue reading →
Even though President Obama single-handedly eliminated homelessness by dint of his first election, nevertheless somehow one single solitary homeless guy slipped through. Now, you can take a position opposite the Czar’s, but in his experience most persistently homeless folks are … Continue reading →
Operative JW writes in to ask: Dread and awful Czar, Is what is because of what it is, or is what is because of something else? More the middle one, we suppose. The tech journalists are in a tizzy trying … Continue reading →
One of the best parts about Castle Gormogon is you never know what anybody is up to individually. So you could, for example, walk through the solarium and find this going on: And your Czar has no idea who is … Continue reading →
Not all the news is bad, you know. Just as conservatives bemoan the potential loss of many of their social arguments, they are decisively and quickly winning one of their most popular: legalized firearms. A couple of Supreme Court victories … Continue reading →
Thanks to our good graces here at Castle Gormogon, two winners of the almost $600 million dollar Powerball game are out there somewhere. And already this morning, the Czar’s jaws dropped to see not one but two (possibly three) media … Continue reading →
Not-so-young actor Angus Jones, sub-star of the sub-par Two and a Half Men, plays the half-man in the series title. Ironically, though, that might pass to perpetual wannabe Ashton Kutcher who, quite frankly, is not going to be playing Iago … Continue reading →
Ah, the glorious arrival of Winter is imminent, when we have had so many days of below-freezing weather that the weeds and dandelions on the dacha lawn have all died leaving a glorious expanse of green grass that looks like … Continue reading →
Strange as it may seem, the Czar is inclined to agree today with both Libertarians and Democrats alike, and confess something that many Republican conservatives probably also feel. We need, for as long as possible, to stay the hell out … Continue reading →
When you are born in 1267, as the Czar was, you see Europe a little differently. Europe, circa 2230. Modern Americans tend to see Europe as either a wonderful playground, imperfectly balanced between foolish efficiency and brilliant eccentricity, or as … Continue reading →
Dunno if it was the holiday or the travels, but the Czar got a little behind in his mail. Not sure whose behind it was, though. It was pretty bloody. First, in order of appearance, is Nightfly, who confesses: O … Continue reading →
Part Seven of Seven Click here for Part Six: Media Matters, Indeed The Obama re-election is not the catastrophe; it’s only the symptom. Conservatives are losing the cultural war, and there is no reason this can’t be reversed. And quickly, … Continue reading →
Part Six of Seven Click here for Part Five: Are Demographics Destiny? The media is out to destroy Republicans. And the time for peaceful negotiation is over.Long-time readers know of the Czar’s obsessive hatred with news media. Whether it’s the … Continue reading →
The Czar of MuscovyБожію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of … Continue reading →
‘Puter has been waddling around the Castle the last couple of days humming and singing a bizarre song to himself. When we asked, he denied doing anything at first, and then claimed he didn’t know what song it was. Like … Continue reading →
Part Five of Seven Click here for Part Four: Get Some Class Do Republicans need to court Latinos? Or is this yet another liberal set up? Maybe it isn’t Hispanic votes we need; maybe it’s everyone’s.Did you hear that America … Continue reading →
The Czar is running behind here. First, thanks to EC who spotted a typo (but missed several others) in an essay that was subsequently corrected. Second, RA writes in: Excellent analysis on the GOP master tactitians. Might I add that … Continue reading →
Part Four of Seven Click here for Part Three: Focus, Please It’s time Republicans exposed the Democrats as the fattest cats, the richest SOBs, and the jerk aristocrats they are.If you had a nickel for every time President Obama or … Continue reading →
Well, at least the Czar does not have to grouse that we haven’t had a good gun review lately. We just did one yesterday. The Heckler und Koch P30. Remember to pronounced the last word “Coke” to sound authentic. And … Continue reading →
Part Two of Seven Click here for Part Two: Reagan Isn’t Coming Back Republicans fail to realize how much they step into liberal traps. You wat to win? Start paying attention to the voters, not the liberals.Let us pretend you … Continue reading →
The Czar begins every firearm review with some variant of the phrase “It has been a while since our last gun review.” Not the next one. But for this one, yes, it has been a while. The Beretta PX4 Storm. … Continue reading →
Part Two of Seven Click here for Part One: Introduction It is time Republicans started to realize Reagan was a rare event, and that we need to stop listening to the guys trying to bring him back.Ronald Reagan isn’t coming … Continue reading →
Island Dweller sent a private note that he probably would not want shared with anyone, but he brought up a subtopic within it that the Czar wanted to comment on. So naturally, we are printing the entire humiliating note. Try … Continue reading →
Part One of Seven Forget about who is to blame for the 2012 disaster. Before Republicans regroup to save the country, its time to get over ourselves and admit we got beat. Heres how we keep getting beat. Hint: yeah, … Continue reading →
Island Dweller writes in: Your immenseness: A carrier piegon from my esteemed associate currently in the Belly of the Beast has just landed bearing a message expressing wonderment at COMCENTCOM Allen’s prowess with a keyboard (and possibly another instrument). My … Continue reading →
Well, reader CC writes in: Hi Czar, Or is it theczar? I have been reading your blog for a couple of months now, and only just today, saw your picture. I have one question. Over your lower lip, is that … Continue reading →
Island Dweller at the Castle bar last night: Your magnificence: I am wondering if the title of Gen. Petraeus’s book has anything to do with the situation vis-a-vis his mistress. It is a most unfortunate choice of title given what … Continue reading →
The Czar is still so irate and humorless with the electorate that he is still willing to yield the floor. Today’s essay has once again been contributed by long-time minion Island Dweller. Dread and awful Czar:Being a life member of … Continue reading →
The Czar is still so irate and humorless with the electorate that he is perfectly willing to yield the floor. Todays essay has been contributed by long-time minion Island Dweller. The Czar always expected Japan would need to expand beyond … Continue reading →
Esteemed Operative and Powerful Minion BG writes in with a lament: I used to explain to people why America was different from Europe. It was because our ancestors got fed up and left. They were warned that they knew no … Continue reading →
May her last colors never run. The Czar really wanted to avoid posting anything today except an analysis of why Obama lost. You would have enjoyed reading it; the Czar certainly enjoyed writing it back in September. Suffice it to … Continue reading →
Dread and awful Czar: Today is Hiring Day. I saw your observations about how these cliffhanger elections seem to be occurring more and more frequently, and your analysis makes sense. I’m just sitting here on my island (having already voted) … Continue reading →
Happy Election Day. You have already voted, are about to, or will get to it as soon as you can before your local polls close…right? Remember: this one is historic, and you want to say you were there. For God’s … Continue reading →
Minions fighting. DT writes in: Your Magnificence, I write to you in outrage at the Island Dweller’s latest missive to Your Furriness, specifically, he refers to you as, “Your August Majesty”. I have airborne ballet-trained Myrmidons on the way to … Continue reading →
Thanks to everyone who read our explanation of political polling. In less than eight hours, it screamed to the top of our all-time most-popular features here at the Big G and got considerable attention from much bigger media outlets. That … Continue reading →
The Czar stopped looking at day-to-day polling on Friday, when it became clear that all of it had become complete nonsense. Normally at election time, the media polls favor the Democrats in big numbers in order to starve money from … Continue reading →
This time more than you remember. And do yourself a major favor this time—do a straight-line GOP vote. The Czar of MuscovyБожію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes … Continue reading →
A decent Saturday afternoon. Four-and-a-half acres of wooded, private property. Decent beer. Hot dogs cooked over a five-foot fire pit. We taught a group of kids how to display and fold a flag correctly; Царевич and his buddy did the … Continue reading →
Write a nice piece on All Saint’s Day, and not a drop of mail. Write a piece on zombies attacking, and après moi, le déluge. Some of the best. JS writes in: Dear Sovereign Czar, I enjoyed your post on … Continue reading →
Super-Minion ScottO (um, which probably he should resist putting on a résumé) leaves us this quill-penned note tacked to our wooden door: Dread Czar, While I appreciate your position, and that of the self-employed RA, and I certainly agree that … Continue reading →
From Island Dweller, who like most island dwellers is so laid back he waits until the thirteenth hour to get anything done: Your most august majesty: I beg your forgiveness for positing this idea one day after it could have … Continue reading →
Things will be different, we can safely say. Indeed, has not every newly elected President said that? After promises, and hand shakes, and baby kisses, every new President insists this time it will be different. And yet, it always winds … Continue reading →
¡Feliz Dia de los Muertos! As you know, today is Mexico’s Day of the Dead, which is the day of the year that all of Mexico’s recently departed rise to life to eat the brains of the living. A week … Continue reading →
RA writes in: Czar, Great idea on health insurance simplification. I buy my own health insurance (self-employed, wife covered at her work, kids grown and on their own), so that approach has much appeal to me. Better yet, put some … Continue reading →
No, we didn’t forget. The Czar of MuscovyБожію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia … Continue reading →
Hey, here is a goofy idea. How about when Romney dumps and replaces the ACA, we replace it with something that’s actually a hell of a lot easier? Not just cheaper—there are plenty of good ideas on how to lower … Continue reading →
Guess what the Czar was just complaining about at lunch? Why, BG writes in with exactly that: I got an email from the city of Alexandria, Virginia, that says, in part, “If a power outage occurs, do not use candles … Continue reading →
With Hurricane Sandoval (“Sandy”) making life a living hell for uptight urban dwellers who take a cab to the coffee shop when it snows, many Americans are going to experience a hurricane for the first time. The Czar has been … Continue reading →
First-time writer, presumably long-time reader RStJ writes in with a disturbing notion: Good evening! I read the post with the mail from MC this evening, and also caught up and read the other posts about Benghazi. I have heard another … Continue reading →
MC writes in after a too-long absence: Dread, terrible, awful Czar, whose axe should be swung with even more frequency and force, I’d really like to go off on an hour rant in the wake of this story, but work … Continue reading →
The other day, Dana Milbank was annoyed to no end, apparently when he spotted journalists at the debate monitoring Twitter for reactions more than they were actually watching the debate. Wedding ring check. This made Ghettoputer here laugh, because Milbank … Continue reading →
Island Dweller sent two odd pieces of fragmented writing on onion skin. It indeed occurred to us to lay one on top of the other, whereupon not one but two messages came out: the first message contained all curved symbols, … Continue reading →
Okay, sit back and pretend Jim Lehrer dropped acid, and that this is actually how the First Presidential Debate seemed to him. Parts of this are truly magnificent. The Czar of MuscovyБожію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ … Continue reading →
Alert and poised-for-instant-Kung Fu-action operative MS writes in: Your most illustrious majesty: I watched only the first 10 minutes or so of last night’s debate before I was able to discern its rough course: Dear Leader: “This nation/me (priority frequently … Continue reading →
Alert readers may remember the Czar’s prediction that a Winnsboro, LA, woman’s claim that she was subject to a racial attack was untrue. Twitter friend @rachelveronica points us to this news story: Two days after multiple law enforcement agencies began … Continue reading →
The Czar has been studying the electoral maps of late, wondering how things are faring. The news is interesting. Looking at Rasmussens state-by-state polling (which is not yet up-to-date), and looking at Real Clear Politics averages (which too often include … Continue reading →
Is someone attempting their own October surprise? The news media is reporting that Sharmeka Moffitt, 20, was walking down a paved trail in a quiet and calm part of Winnsboro, Louisiana, when three men wearing “white hoodies” wrote KKK on … Continue reading →
All right, sports fans! Time to turn off the Bears-Lions game and see what happened on the final debate of 2012. Barack Obama – good: A lot of us were wondering which Barack Obama would be put out there tonight: … Continue reading →
Long-time operative BG carefully stacked millions of sugar cubes and left this message spelled out on the Castle driveway before the ants ruined it: The Czar’s post regarding the unfortunate visit from his college roommate struck a chord here; I … Continue reading →
The Czar might once in a while feel nostalgic, and indulge himself on some of his favorite essays. Here are three we wrote some time ago, and feel were pretty decently done. Have you read them? Public Service Message about … Continue reading →
In case you did not know this, the Boy Scouts of America prefer that atheists and homosexuals find a different organization to join. The first makes sense because the BSA is fundamentally a faith-based group, and atheists would not strictly … Continue reading →
In case you missed it, the traditional presidential candidate roast was held yesterday. The Czar would tell you all about the Smith Foundation and its goals, but you basically want to get to the good stuff. Anyway, you can look … Continue reading →
JAB writes in from the double-wide. Your Czarness: I apologize for my lack of correspondence lately, but have things ever been hopping at the Double-wide! And I mean that in a good way, not that I’ve been on the lam … Continue reading →
The Czar would like to make some comments about the upcoming election that is geared for Democrats and Republicans, liberals and conservatives, and people of all stripes, heights, dimensions, and configurations. First, this upcoming election may among our history’s most … Continue reading →
Island Dweller, a loyal minion who inexplicably was assigned to live in a desert, writes in: Your Immenseness:I have come away from the second debate largely with the same take you got on it. It was patently obvious Mr. Romney … Continue reading →
Yikes, what a mess. Some of you already know the Czar is less than pleased with the nonsense of the town hall-style debate. Many Twitter twerps were irate at how pro-Obama the questions were (immigration, Bush, outsourcing); in fact, a … Continue reading →
