Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.
NBC News reported this morning that astronomers have found a planet capable of supporting life. Why, here is a picture of the happy guy right here. Except, as you can predict by this essay’s very existence, they got every piece … Continue reading →
A couple of recent essays and editorials caught the Czar’s eye, and there is a strange theme to them: Gingrich is proof the Tea Party is dead. Long live the Tea Party, suckas. Don’t you media types wish. B-b-b-but Czar, … Continue reading →
Cubs legend Ron Santo was put into the Hall of Fame this week, and the Veterans Committee is composed of jackasses for doing it. You heard me. Ron Santo was totally deserving of a Hall of Fame berth, and he … Continue reading →
48 hours after the Cain campaign crawled to a stop, some eulogizing may be in order, as well as some critical commentary. Cain’s biggest problem was himself, not the media. He took the idea of running for President pretty seriously, … Continue reading →
Borepatch, whom we read every day, writes your Czar: Man, I don’t know where you find those [Help Wanted ads] (must be a local Alt-Weekly that’s not on the ‘Net), but they were filled with win. BTW, Uncle Jay says … Continue reading →
Dear Occupy perverts and toolbags, The Czar understands you want stuff, and suspects that deep down, perhaps, you might actually be willing to work to deserve your gotten gains. In that spirit, and to help the handful of you still … Continue reading →
Answering the mail call, that is. The Czar has four unread messages. First up is Operative FJR, who etched this onto a small grain of rice and slipped it into the Czar’s Burmese Beef: I do a lot of outdoor … Continue reading →
So what happened to Herman Cain? For this, we turn to Cain spokeswoman Ellen Ripley: The Czar of MuscovyБожію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in … Continue reading →
The Czar: What advice would you give the Obama adminstration on stimulating job growth and, assuming there is a relation, bringing down the unemployment rate in an election year? Jeffords: You know what? You think that Kwiatkowski, or Dennis Whash-his-name … Continue reading →
With news that Barack Obama’s approval ratings are now officially worse than Carter’s, we wondered why the people who voted for him in the first place did so. The question for Obama voters: Fill in the blank. “We voted for … Continue reading →
This is a little late for Veterans’s Day, but the Czar’s dad sent this to him a while ago and he just got around to it. Anyway, he and the Czar defy you to be unimpressed with this WV salute … Continue reading →
In other news, George Michael is improving from whatever disease it is that makes faded British rock stars look like Ringo Starr. And in other news, Fox reports “Microscopic Worms May Hold Key to Life on Mars.” God knows NASA … Continue reading →
Genius from Verum Serum, sent to us by the Greatest of Graces. The Czar of MuscovyБожію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was … Continue reading →
With Iran directly challenging the United Kingdom by seizing its embassy in Tehran and multiple hostages, you might be interested in some 13-year-old relationship Herman Cain may have had with the former drummer of Cream. No, wrong Ginger. Anyway, Iran … Continue reading →
Just a follow-on to Dr. J’s predictions that the Massachusetts elections are about to get interesting with the announced retirement of Rep. Barney Frank at the end of his term. The Czar would like to breathe a sigh of relief. … Continue reading →
Newt Gingrich says he is a lot more conservative than Mitt Romney. Yes, much in the same way that the Czar is more tolerant of hippies than ‘Puter. That is all. The Czar of MuscovyБожію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный … Continue reading →
The Czar is no fan of the weirdly quiet but obnoxiously expensive Chevrolet Volt, but he urges caution and skepticism when hearings stories about batteries catching fire in simulated crashes. If you have not noticed, gasoline-powered automobiles catch fire as … Continue reading →
If the Occupy crowd and the Demo-Libs who deny the disaster of their government model have taught us anything, it’s that schools need to start returning back to teaching economics. If they ever did—home economics always seemed more about cooking … Continue reading →
“We’ve had Siri-like tech for more than a year,” whines Microsoft, even though they insist that whining-like wheedle isn’t whining at all. First, and this will be quick, the Czar is immediately annoyed with anybody who says “tech” instead of … Continue reading →
The Czar admits he was surprised. Usually when you write something scathing about Ron Paul, you get mail. This gem was not what he expected. Dear Mr. Dread and Powerful The Czar, In regards to Ron Paul, Attack Cartoons a … Continue reading →
A very happy and most wonderful Thanksgiving from all of us at the Castle (well, maybe not the Tcho-Tchos). As many of you know, Thanksgiving is the Czar’s favorite holiday; even better than the Feast of Zdravgul, which we celebrated … Continue reading →
So why does Ron Paul continually insist that Iran is a threat to nobody, that their nuclear intentions are peaceful, and that the Taliban have never once attacked America outside of Afghanistan? Because any possibility that Iran is a threat, … Continue reading →
Tonight’s debate was one of the better ones, actually—obviously, the candidates all took the issue of national security seriously, because this was tonight’s theme, and all the question stemmed around it. We began with a nutty CNN intro that looked … Continue reading →
Just a minor correction. There is a lot of happy scuttlebutt on the web regarding NASA’s funding that was approved. A lot of the space-related websites are happy that the House and Senate got together and approved a budget. Bad … Continue reading →
Note what Tatiana Limanova does when mentioning Барак Обама (Barack Obama). Watch it again—right there at the start of the video. Pretty sure we are reading that right. The Czar of MuscovyБожію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ … Continue reading →
Unfortunately, back in the early 1970s (maybe earlier), the hippies got into physics, and started throwing all sorts of eastern mysticism around and paved the way for nonsensical New Age sciences. One of the worst abuses was Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle, … Continue reading →
Today, Muscovy is trimming the Village Christmas trees. This event is always accompanied by a craft show. The Czar does not understand craft shows: they seem to be filled with desperate, frustrated people with equal mixes of time and talent … Continue reading →
You never tell the Czar what to do. The Czar of MuscovyБожію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total … Continue reading →
The latest issue of Foreign Policy magazine had a lengthy piece by Secretary of State Hillary Clinton regarding the United States’s shift in attention from the Middle East to the Pacific Rim: that China, and not only China but a … Continue reading →
Hah hah! Well, the funny thing about science is that sometimes it’s supposed to go wrong. Otherwise you don’t learn anything. Why, even us Gormogons learn from our mistakes. Anyway, this is very likely going to go away without a … Continue reading →
Isn’t this always the case? First, we are all grateful that no one was harmed in the attempt; although the President and First Lady were thousands of miles away from the White House, the Czar isn’t sure where the daughters … Continue reading →
The Gormogons would like to take a moment to offer some corrections from recent posts. In a recent post on Joe Paterno, the Czar referred to the Penn State head coach as “a lying, hate-filled scumbag who cared more about … Continue reading →
Lawyers very much enjoy a fair test of the facts. Did x occur? Here is a test to see if the legal conditions were met. Everyone agrees with it, and the outcome winds up less disputable. The media has no … Continue reading →
One of our most secret and ancient of operatives lives in the distant Nepalese cliffs, where he works on eldritch deeds most foul. His name is “Ken,” because that’s what everyone calls him. Dread Czar, I saw the clip of … Continue reading →
Ah yes, the age old problem: Reply All is Different From Reply. CBS News, who by all accounts showed their inability to do news with their botched Republican debate Saturday night, continued to screw themselves. First, you have a moderator … Continue reading →
Basically, the plot of V for Vendetta involves a horribly disfigured guy who conceives of a master plan to topple a cruelly and liberally fascist British government. Almost: something is never quite right about the plan until he meets Evey, … Continue reading →
The GOP brat pack had yet another debate tonight, this time in South Carolina, this time on CBS, and this time the subject was foreign policy. It was a total bore. In fact, here is the entire debate. Make up … Continue reading →
Don’t get the Czar wrong, here—he thinks America can do lots more for our veterans, especially our wounded veterans. The Senate, 95-0, passed the Hire Heroes Act, which provides incentives for businesses to hire veterans. Unemployment is high for veterans, … Continue reading →
Well, the Phobos-Grunt mission was pretty cool in concept: send a lander to the eerie Martian moon Phobos, grab a fair amount of soil, and bring it back to Earth. But the probe launched from Earth, and due to a … Continue reading →
SMack writes in: Sir Czar, Don’t you understand that if cardinals coached national championships we’d have forgiven them all too and gone on to praise them for all their years of wonderful coaching and saying a couple of years of … Continue reading →
We actually had a lively debate. But you missed it, right? Fine—here is your summary. Moderators: Blew it. This was CNBC trying to promote their various hosts by having a good portion of them sit at the table and ask … Continue reading →
Well, you could hardly have missed our jeremiad earlier today, in which we attacked the do-nothing immorality of Penn State officials over the Jerry Sandusky obscenity. The Czar thinks as many people should go to prison over this as can … Continue reading →
The scandal happening at Penn State is beyond description. For years, it appears, university and university athletics officials were aware—not dimly, but positively aware—that defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky was raping children, but opted to do nothing about it. Sandusky has … Continue reading →
The Czar of MuscovyБожію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of … Continue reading →
The Czar of MuscovyБожію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of … Continue reading →
See this picture? It’s actually a bit of a first. The weird rosette-like things can be ignored; instead, look at the hook-shaped blob in the center, hiding slightly. That’s a black hole. So what, you might wonder, aren’t there billions … Continue reading →
This is not really about liberals or conservatives, but about immaturity and living in a fantasy world. A handful of OWS protestors has established a rape free zone in Zuccotti Park, including a tent safe house that can provide shelter … Continue reading →
Today’s commentary will likely generate a response over at the always fun I’m Not Herzog site, and before you turn away from this as another Papal rant, keep in mind the Czar is easily the least Papist of the Castle … Continue reading →
Andy Rooney, the world’s first blogger, died at 92. And the always self-indulgent media is showering him with unflattering words like“curmudgeon,” “irascible,” and “cranky.” The media are morons, because he was none of those things. He was a guy who … Continue reading →
You might have missed this, what with news that Lindsay Lohan is having trouble with Playboy and Justin Beiber and Herman Cain finding themselves in a very strange situation, but if you read way down to the bottom you might … Continue reading →
Are liberals as fired up about Herman Cain’s predicament as conservatives fear? It isn’t easy to tell. Certainly, many liberals are taking an interest in les affaires Cain, just as many conservatives would be interested in a rising Democratic candidate’s … Continue reading →
There are two ways of looking at this Quinnipiac poll analysis (prepared we believe by Philip Klein of the Washington Examiner). The first is the obvious “Yeah, the less of a fat cat rich-ass robber baron bastard you are, the … Continue reading →
Theses. You nail theses to a church door. Welp, better send Dat Ho down there with a scrub brush and nail puller. One more time. The Czar of MuscovyБожію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. … Continue reading →
Michele Bachmann is perturbed by allegations against Herman Cain. “This is the year when we can’t have any surprises with our candidate,” she told Associated Press. She added, “That’s why I was the first candidate to be involved in an … Continue reading →
The Czar is loathe to cast judgment without more facts, but come on. Really? At least she admits it’s all about “adequate [financial] support.” The Czar of MuscovyБожію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The … Continue reading →
Thanks, Borepatch! The Czar of MuscovyБожію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the … Continue reading →
Okay, one of these kids is the seventh billion kid. Which is it? Place your bets, and we will reveal next month which it is. Doc will have something to say about that, too. Anyway, you should know that all … Continue reading →
Hey, news media. America is headed for a financial crisis of epic proportions. But perhaps Kim Kardashian is more important. America is headed for a financial crisis of epic proportions. However, we should probably focus on the fact Jessica Simpson … Continue reading →
We love Dr. Boli. The Czar of MuscovyБожію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia … Continue reading →
Some little time ago, a report came out that unquestionably proved Global Warming was a real thing, and that no reasonable person could remain a skeptic. Of course, a news reports claims that report is itself badly flawed, and that … Continue reading →
All of a sudden, conservatives are supposed to be outraged that Herman Cain has been accused, in the past, of a settled matter of sexual harassment? Oh, now it makes sense. See, the great thing about the Clinton presidency was … Continue reading →
Dearest Hollywood: We understand you are contemplating increasing the time between a movie’s release on DVD or BluRay, and the time which Netflix and Redbox can stock the film for rental. This is because you perceive more people would rather … Continue reading →
Borepatch is of course a never-ending source of delight. And he does not disappoint with this: This is actually the kind of stuff that the Цесаревич does with his Legos, so we know what we’re looking at here. The Czar … Continue reading →
Herr Mann, mit Romney. The Czar of MuscovyБожію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all … Continue reading →
The Los Angeles Times features a neat science story that, rara avis, gets its facts straight in a presentable manner. Nice work. The story reminds us that there is still much to be learned about the dwarf planet Eris, but … Continue reading →
Clever reader JA writes in to say: Re: the Marathon screen cap in a recent post. BEST. GAME. EVER. Yeah, don’t we know it. See kiddies, in the days before Halo, there was Marathon. Indeed, attentive players of the Halo … Continue reading →
Mandarin found this from our alma mater. Joy. Pure joy. The Czar of MuscovyБожію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out … Continue reading →
And now, your science news roundup! Once believed to be an ancient, surviving plant from millions of years ago, we sadly now realize that cycads only date back about 12 million years. They are descended from the same plants dinosaurs … Continue reading →
We have heard that, in addition to Governor Mitt Romney, Governor Rick Perry also faces a credibility problem. This is understandable. First, you have the blank stares during debates…no matter if he was answering a question or someone else was. … Continue reading →
Dr. (KN)J provides the Czar a refreshing look as to how science really works. Or should work. He provides an actual scientific paper, which you can read by clicking here. It’s a PDF, so you may need to save the … Continue reading →
Via the awesome Borepatch. Mr. Abbott, you may possibly receive a visit from the Mandarin. The Czar of MuscovyБожію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in … Continue reading →
Look, nobody knows how to transliterate Colonel القَذَّافِي since there are so many localized ways to do so; as a result, the Czar is leaving his name in the original Arabic. Even Wikipedia recommends you use the following helpful guide: … Continue reading →
Imagine something this dumb. Imagine you get a guy who’s seriously in the red—he has about $50 in his pocket, but he owes thousands. He knows he never will pay off what he owes. And he finds another guy pretty … Continue reading →
Well, despite fears to the contrary, the Czar caught quite a bit of the debate. Fortunately for you, this will probably be our shortest debate review ever. The dynamics were much more interesting tonight. None of the Czar’s previous criticisms … Continue reading →
The Czar hates non-news stories. Take a piece from The Washington Post: “Scrutiny for Cain Likely At Republican Presidential Debate”. Start with the title. Something is likely to happen. Great. Next, the WaPo (by way of the Associated Press) wants … Continue reading →
You know, we rarely talk about our Spaceflight Practical Jokes Department, which is too bad because they’re doing some really cool stuff over there. Funny—dreadfully funny stuff, but still cool. And Nightfly (who doesn’t wear nearly as weird a costume … Continue reading →
Our lonely Canadian writer submits for your approval: Mighty Czar, As expected, America’s most recent incarnation of left-wing political protest has been welcomed with open arms by Canada’s iPhone-loving anti-capitalists, enslaved and penniless professors, united anarchists, left-wing politicians and bureaucrats … Continue reading →
You remember how the media had to change their collective pants when scientists reported that neutrinos appear to have moved a short distance at velocities faster than the speed of light? The media went nuts, stating that Einstein was wrong … Continue reading →
It may well be time for Herman Cain to grow up. Somewhere, somehow, deep down, he knows his initial candidacy for President was a foregone waste of time. But his incurable optimism, his refusal to think like a jaded Beltway … Continue reading →
Occupy Detroit? Are they nuts? Isn’t Detroit exactly what the protestors fail to realize they are asking for? Charles C. W. Cooke offers a great overhand right punch to the lunacy that now represents modern Liberalism. The Czar of MuscovyБожію … Continue reading →
The Czar has no objection to right-wing journalists, bloggers, pundits, and editorial writers pointing out examples of the Left’s hypocrisy. But how constructive is any of the subsequent outrage? Are you really shocked by any example of a Democrat calling … Continue reading →
Oh good. Obama is now backing the Occupy protestors. And the liberals all said George Bush was a clueless idiot. This move could not be more wrong, based on the fact that the core protestors can’t stand Obama: he is … Continue reading →
So now the Germans are getting into the satellite crashing business. Many people are wondering what on earth is bringing down all these satellites? Our readers, of course, are not wondering at all. And many of you have sent emails … Continue reading →
Your Czarness: Judging by the recent posts, it seems as though you residents of the Castle have been much irritated by the Occupy Wall St. crowd and their kinfolk The 99 Percenters. Well, I think I may have hit upon … Continue reading →
The Czar sees that Twitter is aflutter with expectations that the Czar will review tonight’s debate. Actually, just ScottO did, and that’s plenty. Well, tonight it was hosted by Bloomberg, who introduced us to their under-watched channel with long commercials … Continue reading →
Even saints have limits to their patience. The Царица, whom by now all of you know is a public school teacher in a very dicey suburb outside Chicago, has quietly and with much dignity absorbed the slings and arrows of … Continue reading →
With the 10th anniversary of the War in Afghanistan upon us, you have already started to see a lot of media hand-wringing introspection on whether the war was worth it, whether we should remain in Afghanistan, and what the historical … Continue reading →
Shane Ruiz, 7, of Bernalilo, New Mexico, has announced he is one of the 99% of the family kids who will occupy the backyard pool all weekend. “I’m not comin’ out,” he stated emphatically, reiterating “I’m stayin in!” An only … Continue reading →
Day 22,453 of Occupy the Westmoreland Avenue DMV continues. A spokesperson said “We are the 99% of people who wait here, hour after hour, hoping either our name or number will be called.” Asked about their demands, they said: A … Continue reading →
Okay, so The Simpsons won’t be cancelled after all; negotiations worked, and Fox promises two more seasons. Truth be told? The Czar is a bit disappointed. Possibly, you are as well. Its first season, way back in 1989, was uneven … Continue reading →
The Цесаревич woke the Czar up this morning, and produced an iPad with this video on it. He thought the rest of you might enjoy it as well. Look what these border collies can do. And we can’t even get … Continue reading →
The ants came marching in to the kitchen, and bee-lined straight for the kitchen tile, third from the wall, seventh row down, in order to mop up some spilled soda. When asked, the ants reported they were part of the … Continue reading →
Professor Mondo is seeing it everywhere, too. But is ridiculing the unfocused, college socialist pablum really hypocritical after complaining about the Tea Party, as one of his commentators suggests? No. Where is Samuel Jackson to dismiss the entire OWS crowd … Continue reading →
Ben McWhirter, 73, who usually hangs out by the hundred combo flavor Pepsi machine, is in his fourth hour of Occupy Stall 3 of the Men’s Room Inside the Lansing, Michigan, Culvers on Saginaw Highway. Asked what his demands are, … Continue reading →
Madison Connelly is well past 9PM as part of her Occupy the Stairs Up. She is demanding the dismantling of capitalism, although she indicated she would easily settle for that cute unicorn Happy Napper. Good luck, 99 percenter! The Czar … Continue reading →
Manny Deavers of Wellman, Wyoming, is now into his first evening of Occupy State Road 259N. He wants us to know that he is one of the 99%. Mom brought him a blanket about 90 minutes later. Right now, his … Continue reading →
Grady Przybylo, of Mumpfersboro, Kentucky, wants you to know that his Occupy Leewald Street is now in its second day. The Czar of MuscovyБожію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in … Continue reading →
With increasing probability, the Obama administration may be regarded by historians as one of the most scandal-plagued since Harding’s administration. Bush? Well, the Left still harangues him on the WMD fiasco, even though nearly everyone thought they existed—until we went … Continue reading →
You are the editor of a newspaper or television news program. The following stories come across your desk, and you need to decide which ones to relate or ashcan: A Republican presidential candidate’s father leased a parcel of land for … Continue reading →
