Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.
Obviously, there’s a lot of tension going on right now between the people very much for gun control and the people very much against it. That tension exists because we, as a country, have finally reached the point where gun … Continue reading →
In an effort to make this site vaguely useful for some of you, the Czar is offering some reviews of 2018 cars. The Czar knows lots about cars, but not a lot about the new models, but don’t let that … Continue reading →
The Czar was shocked to discover that our antient, mortal enemies the Freemasons apparently have employed dogs to do their mysterious work. Specifically, the Masonic Association of Service and Therapy Dogs (MAST), which looks exactly like the kind of worthwhile … Continue reading →
Your Gormogons are, to a man,* all Roman Catholic and pretty astonishingly versed in our faith. If you’re not a Roman Catholic, or a Gormogon, you might not find this post particularly appealing, but the Czar happens to know that … Continue reading →
China has long had a funny reputation in America. To some of us, it’s a Communist Thugocracy, playing a coy game of psychology to convince idiots that it’s really an efficient, socialist modern country with ordinary people enjoying a marriage … Continue reading →
The Czar and family have returned from Marvel’s latest thousand-dollar-or-more-grossing movie Black Panther, which stars Jackie Robinson, Adonis Creed, and that frog from Star Wars. If you are reading this by way of the Internet, you are already connected enough … Continue reading →
Once more, we are saddened to hear about the events in Florida. As social media again resorts to its default position of screaming in rage about everything, the Czar realizes there are a couple of questions not really being addressed … Continue reading →
Here it is, pulled from the trembling hand of my most obsequious Okhrana agent. It’s the memo you’ve all been waiting for! TO: ▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰ ▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰ FROM:▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰ ▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰ DATE:▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰ 23, 2▰1;▰▰ RE: D▰n▰▰▰ T▰▰▰▰ campaign ▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰ ▰ ▰▰▰ ▰▰▰▰ ▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰ ▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰ … Continue reading →
The Czar was perusing the latest quarterly issue of the alumni magazine from his alma mater, which—being a Jesuit institution—is a crap-shoot whether or not it will cause us to slap our forehead. This month, however, it contained an article … Continue reading →
The Czar understands the Grammys are nothing more than a show of money and power; music is merely the means by which the power manipulates the money. He has steadfastly avoided them since 1988, but did catch a portion of … Continue reading →
Be your own bartender! It’s not hard, especially if you have several-hundred-thousand dollars to spend. But you get get by with a lot less, of course, and it helps if you actually know how to make drinks. So the Czar … Continue reading →
Your Czar is concerned with your health, and naturally has asked his Czarist Imperial Surgeon’s Office to prepare a bullet point list on how you can best protect yourself against the Killer Influenza virus, which is known as the Zika, … Continue reading →
Greetings, mere mortals. Today, the Czar was nice enough to take the Царица to claim her Christmas present—or at least, part of it. When asked what she might want for Christmas, she did not hesitate to suggest a trip to the … Continue reading →
A couple of letters have crossed the Czar’s desk recently. The first one is from the Retired Spook, who used to haunt our Castle more than he has been. Anyway, for those of you with last-minute gift-giving needs and—we should … Continue reading →
The Czar has noticed, of late, that whenever Republicans gather around him, the tone seems to be one of intense irritation. “They’re no different than the Democrats,” is perhaps the simplest summation of the complaints. Republicans could have ended Obamacare … Continue reading →
Long-time readers have two attributes relevant to today’s topic: first, they know the Czar is actually a big fan of the metric system, and second, there is something certainly wrong with them. Who the hell reads this site for as … Continue reading →
The House today passed a bill to allow interstate reciprocity of concealed carry. As you expect, social media is having a freak out over this, since of course a peaceful gun owner carrying his legal weapon into another peaceful state … Continue reading →
Today, or more specifically this morning, a crate arrived in our name at the Castle. Always fearing outlandish and ridiculous assassination attempts, the Czar had Dat Ho open it, just in case it exploded and killed someone. It neither exploded … Continue reading →
Every day, every doofus you hate in politics, media, and entertainment seems to be lining up for the fire exits. In fact, we’re seeing anywhere from three-to-five sex creeps being shown the door. At this rate, there will be no … Continue reading →
And good riddance. His ongoing popularity was almost exactly what he wanted, and he had a fawning media to keep us updated on all aspects of his long and up-until-recently healthy life. Had justice been served, he would have rotted … Continue reading →
If you’ve been anywhere near Pinterest for the last 50 years, you know that Disney characters are even more interesting than smoking meats, building your own water filtration system, or ripping down Confederate statues. And the ability to draw a … Continue reading →
Esteemed Eminence; Just to give you a worm’s-eye perspective, when The Darlin’ Daughter was of that age, she bailed on Girl Scouts because they were “boring.” She was much more interested in what her brother, two years her junior, was … Continue reading →
The Czar received a fair amount of email and social media comments about the recent decision about the Boy Scouts of America’s decision to allow in girls, most of it negative. The Czar’s own opinions are available on this site, … Continue reading →
The Inscrutable Mandarin and the Czar of Muscovy have very different watchdog natures: the former tends to monitor Facebook, and the latter is more a creature of Twitter. To be more accurate, the Mandarin’s Facebook-to-Twitter ratio is about 80/20, and … Continue reading →
What a difference a day makes. The Czar commented only just yesterday about the mystery surrounding the Boy Scouts of America’s consideration of allowing girls to join, and here we are with a full decision to do so. The Czar … Continue reading →
Of all places, Slate.com has a strange piece about the Boy Scouts of America considering accepting girls into their ranks, and the Girl Scouts of America being, well, kinda pissed about it. The Czar serves as a “committee member at … Continue reading →
The Daily Show went from a wise-cracking news parody show to a full-fledged wing of the Democrat party’s PR department. Ratings fell. Stephen Colbert dropped his goofy persona to join the chorus of voices attacking Republicans. His ratings, never good, … Continue reading →
Chances are good you haven’t heard much about the Kurdish independence vote in Iraq, which is a shame because it’s way more important than the Catalonian vote that sometimes pops up on world-news-only broadcasts. And if you’re like most Americans, … Continue reading →
We’ve been so busy here at the Castle, we haven’t updated in a while. The Czar has a 4,000-word jeremiad from Operative B about how dumb we are for the last post we did, and there’s just no getting to … Continue reading →
Operative B doesn’t have too many bad ideas, but this is a doozy. Don’t get Ghettoputer started on freedom of speech, and don’t get GorT going on the technical aspects of this. Actually, that’s probably why B wrote to the … Continue reading →
GorT sent us a memo last week stipulating that he was going to do a series on scouting, particularly on merit badges. The Czar serves officially as a “committee member at large” for his boys’ scout troop, although everyone refers … Continue reading →
What’s interesting to the Czar is not that Iceland is dumb enough to think it has medically reduced the occurrence of Down Syndrome, but that the rest of the world didn’t lose its collective mind over that ghastly admission. Iceland’s … Continue reading →
The following essay is a guest post from JAB, of the Double-Wide. We remind our readers that you are welcome to submit your thoughts either as an email or as a complete essay. Since the Trailer-Park-at-the-Edge-of-Town is a bit southwest … Continue reading →
Professor Mondo has a very nice write up about the solar eclipse, and of course the Czar had prepared you for it a long time ago. The Czar took the family out to unscenic Rockwood, Illinois, under the pretense that … Continue reading →
Are you fatigued? Really, are you just exhausted with the news? The Czar is, and he realized some time ago that you could take two weeks off, with no contact with the outside world, come back, and find that none … Continue reading →
Well, like the Czar, you probably call them “generations,” whereas the trendy thing to call them these days is “cohorts.” Although sociologists mock at the idea that people born within certain time-frames share similar, almost predictable values, it’s important to … Continue reading →
The Czar’s post on displaying flags on vehicles encouraged a few of you to respond. While these were uniformly positive, two of them had either questions or an additional thought. From devoted Operative R, the following observations arrived: Your recent … Continue reading →
Some days ago, the Czar was in his Trailhawk headed east-bound on a thoroughfare through Muscovy, when he saw in the west-bound lanes a fellow Jeep driver—this one in a stupidly “tacticalized” Jeep Wrangler, with blackened windows, snorkel, black tow … Continue reading →
Listeners of our podcasts got quite the lecture from GorT on the importance of brining, to which Ghettoputer and the Czar immediately agreed. Brining meats before cooking them is often helpful, sometimes essential. The Czar likes to brine poultry…although arguments … Continue reading →
The Czar has spent roughly $473,843 over the last 20 years taking his foursome to see Marvel movies at the theater. The Czar realized Saturday that Spider-Man: Homecoming appeared in theaters this weekend, and took the family to see it … Continue reading →
Saturday was perfect weather in Muscovy, and the Czar relaxed at his dacha. Making the day even more joyous was the arrival of Ghettoputer and the Inscrutable Mandarin, who arrived in the afternoon to tell stories, eat food, and drink … Continue reading →
There’s a momentum-gathering notion in Congress to repeal Obamacare, then replace it… as opposed to a repeal-and-replace two-for-one. Repealing Obamacare first is smarter politics, because the attitude about Repeal-and-Replace is this: Conservative GOP: This bill doesn’t cut enough. Moderate GOP: … Continue reading →
August 21st, the United States enjoys a total solar eclipse, in which the moon slams into the Earth, blocking out sunlight for years. Actually, this will be the closest the moon will be to the earth (periodontology) until 2988, so … Continue reading →
At The Federalist, David Harsanyi reflects on the Georgia special election and teases the question: What if Republican voters who don’t particularly like Donald Trump are also able to compartmentalize their votes? What if they dislike Democrats more than they … Continue reading →
News comes out of the Supreme Court that they will take up a case that could—indirectly or directly—address gerrymandering of districts. Democrats are celebrating because a recent study showed that a computer-simulated redistricting—without partisan bias—showed that Democrats could have won … Continue reading →
It has been a while since the Czar has taken you on a whirlwind tour of a place he’s never been and, frankly, has zero intention of ever visiting. Today’s stop is Benin, featured because the Czar has never taken … Continue reading →
Over the weekend, over 3,100 students graduated from Notre Dame University. You know this, because news reports are hammering how students stormed out in protest over the presence of commencement speaker Mike Pence (who coincidentally is Vice-President of the United … Continue reading →
Mainstream Media looks in the mirror and brushes her hair furiously. How dare that dorky Donny Trump take Emily to the Delight Under the Stars dance next week? What do they see in each other? She’s so weird, with her … Continue reading →
The Czar’s boys are full-fledged Boy Scouts, replete with the traditional skills of fire building, survival shelters, rifle shooting, camping, eating weird foods, and volunteering all over the place, in uniform, to help out all sorts of seemingly lost causes … Continue reading →
The Czar, as usual, went opening weekend to check out Marvel Studios’ latest 200-minute picture Guardians of the Galaxy, Volume Two, which—as you know—features Julia Robert coming to grips with her impending death from a rare Hollywood writer’s disease. No, … Continue reading →
Did you know that President Trump’s* first 100 days are nearly up? You must know that his 100 days are almost up. Everybody’s talking about his first 100 days, and surely by now you know that they’re almost over. Trump’s … Continue reading →
The Czar has noticed that whenever he writes about North Korea, he tends to get thoughtful mail. Ваше Императорское Величество, Your post today brought something to my memory from when I was a lowly Lance Corporal back in the early … Continue reading →
Earlier this week, the United States Navy sped the USS Carl Vinson carrier strike group toward North Korea. Yesterday, the United States Air Force demonstrated pinpoint accuracy with the GBU-43/B Mother of All Bombs (MOAB) on an ISIS cave system … Continue reading →
Derek the Last grabs a bottle of something—we aren’t certain what; the label was obscured in a century of cobwebby dust—pours himself a carefully measured shot into a small glass, and proceeded to drink directly from the bottle until it … Continue reading →
Democracy dies in darkness, it is said; journalism dies at The Washington Post. The Czar of course exaggerates; he merely means to say that WaPo is among the worst newspapers on Earth. It’s like the New York Times, but without … Continue reading →
Over at The Federalist, Dominic Lynch has an excellent piece detailing the seriousness of the Democratic Party’s collapse, and shares the Czar’s view that the Democrats are poised to fold as a party, even though they might not actually do … Continue reading →
Dear Tsar, I had a confusing experience on Women’s Day. I was on Facebook (a mistake, I know) and made a comment about the Wage Gap on a friend’s status. A crapstorm of decent proportions followed. What ended up happening … Continue reading →
Well, it’s time for another rant about the generation gap. The Czar tends to be more accepting of the Millennials than his Castlemates, because by and large, the kids born between 1983 – 2001 are finally getting their feet on … Continue reading →
Derek the Last writes in about a good prediction that he made: Ваше Императорское Величество, Recently, in the state that I hail from, the voters passed a measure to allow medical marijuana to be legal and joined the ranks of … Continue reading →
Operative B curled his first around a glass of something caramel colored and sighed loudly, like an old dog finding a slightly less comfortable spot on an uncomfortable bed. The New York Times is reporting that several members of the … Continue reading →
The Czar has long argued that the media can help themselves by dropping the act: admit their respective biases and continue forward. Yes, that makes all news reporting little more than opinion pieces, perhaps with better sourcing, but opinion pieces … Continue reading →
Retired Spook writes in to say, well, the Czar is right as usual. Your Immensity; Sorry I haven’t been as active as I should have been, occasionally, life intrudes on what we’d like to be doing. But I couldn’t pass … Continue reading →
Television host and opera singer Mike Rowe has been touring the country promoting his most recent effort, The mikeroweWORKS Foundation, which is attempting to de-stigmatize having no college degree. As Rowe more or less puts it, there are roughly 6 … Continue reading →
As Chinese New Year’s approaches, we here at the Castle want to wish all our Chinese readers 拖拉機拖車! (Gong Fu Fat Chow), and remind all of you round-eye imperialist running dogs that the Chinese zodiac is total horseshit made up … Continue reading →
JAB, who is indeed someone of consequence and worth getting to know if you should see her around the Castle, has evidently had a fair amount to drink and decided the best way to work off a major buzz was … Continue reading →
NEW FROM YOUR FRIENDS AT GORMO-ARMS! Hey, have you ever noticed that your AR-15 is looking all drab and low definition? That’s because the AR-15 was designed in the 1950s, in the analog days: that’s why most of them aren’t … Continue reading →
Scenario 1: After 8 years of an obnoxious president, voters realized Hillary Clinton would be just as bad, and perhaps worse, than her predecessor; thus motivated, they turned out in respectable numbers to vote for an alternative, even though he … Continue reading →
The Czar was evidently among the last to see Rogue One: A Star Wars Story on the big screen last night, based on the very light audience present. But he gathered up the boys, found great seats about middle-center (where … Continue reading →
GorT’s entirely correct that Democrats are engaging in their typical naked hypocrisy regarding the Republicans’ attempted changes to the Office of Congressional Ethics. Perhaps it’s just jealousy that the Democrats never managed to do it. There are two points to … Continue reading →
Happy New Year, to all our followers, minions, and operatives. There will be no pay raises for any of you this year. The Czar spent the afternoon reviewing Euler’s equations for a rotating solid, and still finds it hilarious that … Continue reading →
The following essay is a guest post from Derek the Last. We remind our readers that you are welcome to submit your thoughts either as an email or as a complete essay. There has been a lot of talk about … Continue reading →
Well, you all know ScottO (@gscottoliver), right? Well, he wrote in recently. O Dread Czar, In your excellent recent piece “Academia Becomes Aware”, you stated one reason that leftist arguments lose to the right, and went on to hint at … Continue reading →
The Czar has been anticipating a massive academic correction in Higher Education for some time, now. Awareness is always a positive first sign, and for years now the average American understands that college tuition is ridiculous for what you get … Continue reading →
Reply mail appeared under our door yesterday, this time from Operative SMR, who was able to provide additional thought on how Cuba survived economic isolation. The Czar thinks these ideas are quite good. Dear The Czar, I read with interest
Continue reading →The Czar is frequently in and out of the Castle, and has so many visitors that he just cannot make time for everyone. Derek the Last, long-time castle visitor (because he cannot pay his guest bill, so he’s decided to … Continue reading →
Well, it’s been over a week since anybody posted anything up over here. You probably assumed we were just busy with the holidays or whatever, but the truth is ‘Puter really trashes up the place. We’ve just been the last … Continue reading →
Every so often, something happens that astonishes the long-over-lived Czar. Lately, it’s been the sudden appearance of a conservative backbone. Look, we all have at least one liberal loud-mouth at every holiday gathering, either a friend or relative who signals … Continue reading →
The Czar welcomes Derek the Last to the pool of correspondents (although it’s really more of a deep dry well than a pool…unless you count the blood), and does not believe he has written in before, and the Czar wonders … Continue reading →
As Democrats slowly recognize the awful position in which they have placed themselves, they function almost purely by instinct now. Far too many of the recent opinion pieces implicitly or explicitly rely on tropes that most Americans, it would seem, … Continue reading →
The Czar agrees with every word of Operative B’s thoughts, below: Your Majesty, Yes, the grand majority of Harley-Davidson riders – among them are Victory and Indian riders – are polite and genteel folk who do indeed pull over to … Continue reading →
There’s nothing better than feeling the wind tear through your hair, the skies overhead, the rough feel of the road under you, and the sound of traffic—unless of course this is you waking up naked alongside the expressway again. But … Continue reading →
The Czar got three things wrong this election: he originally said in 2012 that the Republicans were certain to lose in 2016. He said that Hillary Clinton would not run because she was inherently unelectable. He also predicted Donald Trump … Continue reading →
Thanks to so many who did so much for so many more. May we be worthy of your countless and timeless sacrifices and setbacks. The Czar of MuscovyБожію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The … Continue reading →
Dear Your Czarness, May I interrupt Your Czarness’s celebrations after the World Series and request that you come back down to terra firma ….’cause you know we’ve got this little matter of an election today. I think that by Wednesday, … Continue reading →
The Czar and his family took off to see Doctor Strange and felt you would very much enjoy it. In doing research for this review, which basically consisted of seeing the film, the Czar read a couple of reviews in … Continue reading →
Which is worse? The news that the media is so obviously employed as a tool of the Democrats to control the narrative, or that this isn’t even news? Poll after poll shows that Americans simply do not believe the media. … Continue reading →
And you should be concerned about the time we have left. 1 And I saw when the Lamb opened one of the seals, and I heard, as it were the noise of thunder, one of the four beasts saying, Come … Continue reading →
Boy, Democrats are sure ticked this weekend about the FBI’s reopening of their investigation of Hillary Clinton. Normally, news broken on a Friday afternoon is forgotten by the media before the Sunday morning chat shows, but this time the outrage … Continue reading →
When it comes down to it, there’s only one sport on which the Gormogons agree, and that’s hockey—it’s awesome. The Czar loves baseball, and GorT and Ghettoputer love soccer and there’s not much either of us can do to change … Continue reading →
The Czar likes baseball and he’s not alone. He’s not one of those Euro-weenies who are into soccer, and who get all aggressive about it because they don’t want to admit, yeah, soccer is a little socialist like nationalised healthcare … Continue reading →
The Czar presumes it’s too early to announce eight full years of Hillary Clinton’s oppression as president, but doesn’t see much alternative after this weekend. The Czar, unfortunately, was unable to see last night’s debate as he was attending a … Continue reading →
Dear Sovereign Czar, I am sorry for not asking about the Цесаревич’s election. I request that my punishment be made in the form of eating re-heated frozen burritos. The cheap kind, too. On a side note, did you see that … Continue reading →
The vice-presidential debate was certainly better—and more substantive—than the Caddyshack St. Andrew’s dinner dance scene that preceded it. But it won’t make any difference. It’s doubtful anyone on the fence will suddenly switch to supporting Hillary Clinton after watching Sen. … Continue reading →
Thanks to all of you who asked about the Цесаревич’s student council presidential campaign. The number of candidates eventually dropped to four: the incumbent SJW, the fashion model boy who only seems to have girls as friends, the basketball girl, … Continue reading →
Normally, the Czar writes up a debate review for all of those readers who were not watching it; however, from what we understand, you probably did watch it. And why not? Putting Trump against Clinton in an unscripted, unrehearsed context … Continue reading →
As one gets older, one tends to skew to a cranky disposition. The Czar was born in the mid-1200s, making him quite old and quite cranky. But that never means he’s wrong, and we do have a bit of a … Continue reading →
You never know who will come walking into the lobby bar at the Castle Gormogon. Hello! I wonder if you all remember me at your site, but I used to write you back when men were men and TVs were … Continue reading →
The Цесаревич appears to be entering the world of politics, with his declaration yesterday that he intends to run for Student Council President of Muscovy Junior High School. The decision was not reached easily, but was made quickly. Last year, … Continue reading →
One of the best parts of our day are the crank letters. Because of the nature of this site and the high intelligence level of our readership, we get some superb cranks stopping by. Ghost, for example, has been an … Continue reading →
