Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.
This explains why the US isn’t backing the UK in the Falklands oil drilling dispute. Read it and see. Done? Okay, you might ask, this explained nothing. Why is the US snubbing one of our best friends? It is in … Continue reading →
One thing that irks the Czar about conservatives is their innate reflex to demand a resignation. An Obama appointee knocks over a drink—some Congressperson calls for a resignation. An Obama appointee forgets to switch her watch back to Eastern time, … Continue reading →
If you’re a skeptic like the Czar, this sort of thing will blow whatever you’re drinking out your nose.Only Dr. Boli. The Czar of MuscovyБожію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born … Continue reading →
Can you imagine what would happen if President Obama, faced with the economic recession, had given this as his inauguration speech? What would have happened to his support? Yes, it is a real speech from a historical leader taking power—but … Continue reading →
So the New York Times still cannot see straight. From a wobbly attempt to portray the GOP’s attitudes on a healthcare reform meeting as cautious: Republican Congressional leaders on Tuesday rejected President Obama’s challenge to come up with a single … Continue reading →
Boy, today was a special day, wasn’t it, boys and girls? You got posts from all five of us! First, you woke up to another Mandarin Theater of the Absurd post. Then, the Czar raged about common sense because he … Continue reading →
And now hot dogs are the deadliest thing in the world. All right, parents, take the Czar’s quick advice. If your kid is too small to eat hot dogs without wolfing them down sideways, cut their hot dogs into small … Continue reading →
Although not as financially disastrous as Cap and Trade, know what’s just as dumb? Preparing a resolution that global warming is not a possibility. But that’s exactly what South Dakota just did. The whole point of our condemnation of Cap … Continue reading →
Super secret operative EC writes in with new from the field: Your Czarness: I know you follow this kind of thing, but you may have missed this item. Looks to me as if the Israelis just moved the goal posts … Continue reading →
Walter Koenig’s son Andrew, who appeared in Growing Pains, is missing and feared dead by suicide. This is perhaps the strangest sentence the Czar wrote this week. The Czar of MuscovyБожію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, … Continue reading →
One thing that comes up a lot at the Castle is the intelligence of our readers. If there were a quantifiable way to assess the intelligence of someone, some sort of quotient perhaps, you would probably find that the combined … Continue reading →
Gormogon operative KM, strategically located close to the geographic center of the US (closer than us, anyway, so he gets the job), writes in. Most High and Honorable Czar, I don’t live anywhere near Tracy, California, thankfully, but hasn’t there … Continue reading →
General Alexander Haig passed away this weekend at the age of 85. For most of us, he was the first lesson in how a strong Secretary of State could influence foreign policy for the better. President Reagan picked an extraordinary … Continue reading →
Listen carefully. The media, and in turn the scientific community, seem to be creating this specious battle between Global Warming Supporters and the group known as Denialists. The real jackasses are a tiny portion found on both sides. On the … Continue reading →
This kind of weird news is right up the Mandarin’s alley. Gormogon operative GD has taken time off his turbulator project to point us to a twisted story that the city of Tracy, California, is going to start charging residents … Continue reading →
Tim Pawlenty delivered a tirade at the CPAC conference against President Obama’s progressivist policies, comparing the President to Tiger Woods and convervatives to Elin Nordegren. Democratic National Committee spokesperson Brad Woodhouse said… The American people don’t need more empty sound … Continue reading →
The Czar called his old buddy, the Dalai Lama, up this evening and asked about his historic meeting with President Obama. The Lama sighed and said “Two and a half freaking hours, and all he did was talk to me … Continue reading →
A possible case of pre-incarnation. The Czar suspects that late Hamas leader Mahmoud al-Mabhouh could be distantly related to Mummy actor Arnold Vosloo. His sources are checking into it now. The Czar of MuscovyБожію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ … Continue reading →
This is awesome. GD writes in to respond to Dr. J. I prefer Chess: “A model of decorum and tranquility become, like any other sport, a battleground for rival ideologies to slug it out with glee…” Keep on Gormogonin’GD Thanks, … Continue reading →
Thank you for your thoughtful coverage of the opening ceremonies. I have always been a fan of ‘the Olympics’ since I was knee high to a grasshopper. Growing up in the 70s and 80s, the Olympics were more a proxy … Continue reading →
By the way, did anyone catch that puff piece before the Opening Ceremonies, in which a possibly inebriated Tom Brokaw attempted to introduce Canada to Americans, who apparently have never heard of it? No? Picture this. For five minutes, you … Continue reading →
Gormogon operative (in charge of our lunar engineering project—laugh now, but when we puts wings on the thing and sail it around the solar system, you’ll say it’s cool) FJR writes in with her thoughts on Vancouver’s opening ceremonies: Greetings, … Continue reading →
Tough couple of months for the Global Warming crowd, eh? Turns out data corruption was so bad at the Climate Research Institute that results had to be fudged, forged, or fooled. And, uh, the glaciers are not quite melting. Sorry … Continue reading →
Quick thoughts on the Opening Ceremony of the Olympics? – Beijing? A cacophony of dissonant sounds and a billion dollars worth of LED displays to show the world how prosperous China is, especially when it bulldozes a stadium over its … Continue reading →
We mean that sincerely. We are also relieved you did not wait to get treatment, but got the needed surgery before your party dickered with the way we do healthcare in the country. Heck—if today’s system is good enough for … Continue reading →
The BBC News is outraged enough to report that Iran, the filthy scoundrels, is blocking communications among its residents. Evidently the BBC feels that government control of media is a bad thing. Evidently the BBC still charges a licensing fee … Continue reading →
The Czar is reading reports of Iranian protests as claims more than facts on both sides. Since media has been largely blacked out, most information on protests is arriving via Twitter and Youtube. Many reports seem credible, but with anyone … Continue reading →
Gormogon operative JS writes in, taking time from a very special mission of overseeing work on our underwater base on the Atlantic seabed. Sorry, Illinois, for the earthquake yesterday. Since no one was hurt, we can safely admit that was … Continue reading →
Former Representative Charlie Wilson (D-TX) has passed away. The Gormogons express their condolences to the family. You may remember him as the subject of a whoppingly distorted biopic entitled Charlie Wilson’s War, in which Hollywood attempted to rewrite the history … Continue reading →
The Czar’s ignitor went out in his furnace last night around midnight. So he went to the basement, confirmed the furnace was working but not producing heat, and at exactly 12:31am called the emergency 24-hour help line that was on … Continue reading →
Perpetually not getting the attention it deserves is Iran, who again graciously extended its middle finger to the world. The Czar likes to imagine the world as a grade school playground; Iran tends to be the weird kid that no … Continue reading →
Sign the Czar up as one of those people who is curious at the sudden difficulties Toyota is facing, all in a row. Bear in mind that Toyota has long known about its accelerator problems; they were reported some time … Continue reading →
You know, cemetaries are not very green, what with dumping bodies all over the place and filling them with noxious poisons like formaldehyde and sodium benzoate (as a preservative). So here’s a toast to cremation, which…well…pollutes the air. What’s a … Continue reading →
From the abstract of a Christian Science Monitor story: Laura Chinchilla won the Costa Rica election Sunday. She’ll be the country’s first woman president, echoing a trend across Latin America where women are being voted into high-level political office in … Continue reading →
The Gormogons wish to extend condolences to the family of Rep. John Murtha (D-PA) on his passing. The Czar of MuscovyБожію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of … Continue reading →
Did the Czar expect the Saints to win? No, he figured on the Colts. Was the Czar surprised by the result? No, because once again—right at halftime, when Roger Daltrey realized he could no longer sing and Pete Townshend suspected … Continue reading →
It is really hard to not crow about something like this: I’m a great admirer of The Gormogons – I mean, who doesn’t like a multi-century secret society dedicated to the restoration of the Kingdom of Poland-Lithuania (among other things)? … Continue reading →
Looming war with Iran and a possible second recession not enough to keep you up at nights? Then joint the protest against Hasbro’s pink ouija board. Yep, there she is, all decked out in Barbie colors (except that’s a Mattel … Continue reading →
For those of you who have had to view our site through Skweezer or other means lately, we are back. You can go back to viewing us in our unexpurgated majesty. For the rest of you, who have no idea … Continue reading →
They found Shackleton’s scotch. Cases of Charles Mackinlay’s Whisky, a scotch blend, have been found in Antactica and positively linked to explorer Sir Ernest Shackleton, who stashed it there in 1909 to hide it from his wife. Ice covered the … Continue reading →
The Czar, probably like the Mandarin, has received a few emails from non-Chicago-area residents asking where the hell our posts are on the Illinois Democratic lieutenant governor candidate controversy. Typical: I figured you guys would be ALL OVER the insane … Continue reading →
The Czar has often said that the press is pretty much a fourteen-year-old girl. They bop around from crush to crush, think they know everything, go straight to hysterical tears when someone turns on them, and especially see the world … Continue reading →
JD Salinger died a recluse, said the MSM, because he refused to give interviews. This is because the MSM understands only two categories: celebrities and recluses. One gives interviews, the other does not. The NYT sets the record straight. Salinger … Continue reading →
Sweatlodge dingbat James Ray, the New Agey guy whose sweatlodge practices killed a few people, says
Continue reading →EC writes in to add: [R]emember that the chief agent in dissolving limestone and other carbonate rocks over geologic time is carbonic acid, which is formed as rainwater passes through the atmosphere and picks up carbon dioxide. The results of … Continue reading →
How do I screw up the news? Let me count the ways. The Czar normally likes BBC News stories, because they are much better than their American counterparts at hiding their ignorance. The BBC, you know, tries to act much … Continue reading →
Long-time Gormogon friend (and frequent stay at the Castle), EC writes in to point out that nitrogen is in fact a potentially bad thing in the wrong setting. Your Czarness: Excellent rant vis a vis the poseurs and their fashionable … Continue reading →
Shock and shock. The Czar correctly figured out—frankly not much of a challenge for any Illinois resident to do—that Alexi Giannoulias and Mark Kirk would lock up the candidacy for Senate. But what the hell happened in the gubernatorial race? … Continue reading →
Bear with the Czar. We are going to take a strange little walk. First, JAB writes us a lovely letter. Here is the critical part of it: [T]hanks for highlighting the retraction from the Lancet. “Vaccine-phobia” has seemed to me … Continue reading →
‘Puter touched on a subject that the Czar was thinking of developing into an essay; that is little surprise because ‘Puter is always touching things. We cannot all be soldiers or senators. But there is a way that everyone can … Continue reading →
In a move certain to disappoint gullible folks and malevolent frauds alike, the British medical journal Lancet has fully retracted a controversial study that linked childhood vaccinations to subsequent autism. Has it been 1998? Time flies, and that sadly resulted … Continue reading →
SN writes back, and the Czar thought his arguments were worth printing in total: Thanks for your post responding to my email. We’ll just have to disagree on some items but I wanted to make sure that I pointed out … Continue reading →
This is an incredibly important election year for many reasons. And for many of us, it begins today. If your area has primary elections, get out and vote. There is still time! We can send GorT out, if need be, … Continue reading →
Gormogon head of special appliances, MC, has been a bit quiet lately. Too quiet. Yes, he has been on special assignment—not saying what, but you think it is a coincidence that Mars and the moon are so close in the … Continue reading →
And so it seems that the Czar is not alone in his support for Adam Andrzekewski. Maybe the Rush Limbaugh endorsement is a help, but when Lech Wałęsa makes a rare trip to America for the sole reason of endorsing … Continue reading →
Devout loyalist reader SN writes in: Love your blog, so please don’t have me put to death for suggesting that you make a correction to your post on the Illinois primary. You wrote: “He is casually mentioning his service record … Continue reading →
The Mandarin and the Czar had dinner at an undisclosed location with an undisclosed member of the armed forces. Which branch? Undisclosed. The conversation turned toward Israel and Iran, and there is a growing expectation that Israel may make a … Continue reading →
Well, you can’t say you weren’t warned. NASA was saddened to learn that President Obama’s budget calls for the cancellation of the Constellation + Ares project, which meant to return Americans to the moon. The Czar is wondering what says … Continue reading →
Tuesday is a primary day in Illinois. Two races that are drawing enormous attention are for governor and for US senator. The Czar lives in Illinois when not at the Castle, and is presenting your choices. The Mandarin is welcome … Continue reading →
Indeed, GorT, which is why the Czar fears no human intelligence. All you machines are cheats. And liars. But mostly cheats. And liars. The Czar of MuscovyБожію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar … Continue reading →
From our perspective, totally spot on and brilliant. The Czar cannot begin to ennumerate all the things that are exactly correct in this video. Hat tip to Big Journalism for finding this gem. The Czar of MuscovyБожію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, … Continue reading →
Wednesday: In State of the Union address, President Obama humiliates and embarrasses all nine Supreme Court judges in front of millions of Americans for their decision to overturn McCain-Feingold. Thurday: In surprise ruling, Supreme Court justices rule 9-0 that President … Continue reading →
The Czar endorses the idea of porting old-timey board games to networked tablets. One game he would very much like to see is Stratego, which has entertained the Czar for decades. He is also wickedly good at it, and has … Continue reading →
The Czar defines “social justice” (a term being used like a weapon all around academia these days) as getting something that belongs to someone else. All right, here is a poser. You are the director of Chicago State University’s financial … Continue reading →
Your Czarness: Once again your humble correspondent is indebted to Your Czarness for sacrificing his time and, potentially, his mental health. I refer, of course, to your handy-dandy “State of the State of the Union” post. And served with a … Continue reading →
Miss the President’s State of MY Union speech? Saw but want to relive it with the Czar? Follow along with the entire text of the speech. The Czar offers his snark and reactions in red text throughout. Overall, the President … Continue reading →
And she loses it so bad that even the President tells her to STFU. Madame Speaker, demonstrating the rhetorical skills of a 14-year-old who thinks in absolutist terms no matter how absurd, stated that if the President is going to … Continue reading →
A couple of years ago, Maoism was all but forgotten. Few people remember the details, and millions of Americans were born never really hearing the term. Suddenly, with revelations that members of the President’s inner circle espouse Maoist ideals and … Continue reading →
Well, this is not quite an obituary, but one of the human race’s best technical achievements—the Spirit rover on Mars—is pretty much stuck for good. Two of its wheels are completely jammed with rocks, sand, or dirt and after months … Continue reading →
So the bunch of us are all in the media room at the Castle, watching the 28-28 overtime tie between the Saints and Vikings when GorT excuses himself. He walks out of the room, pops back in and says “Saints … Continue reading →
A new Usāmah bin Lādin tape has appeared. The Czar has not listened to all of it yet (too many narcissistic instrumental tracks, and his new stuff just is not as catchy as his older cuts), but so far the … Continue reading →
The President is re-assembling the team of consultants who got him elected in 2008 to help out the gasping Democratic candidates in 2010. You might be concerned about this if you do not vote for Democrats. But there is no … Continue reading →
And so it came to pass that a few of us here at the Castle have a background in Latin. Not the Mandarin, though: he skipped that in favor of Spanish (pffft. Like who speaks that?). However, to be fair, … Continue reading →
So the Czar finds this in his news feeder:Um. Not the question the Czar expected CNN to ask him, but hokay… here goes. Err… your mother is probably concerned that bathing is drying her skin out. Try bathing every couple … Continue reading →
Supreme Court decisions obviously do not get any closer than 5-4. And now McCain-Feingold is thrown into the trashbin. Most people are dimly aware of McCain-Feingold (or more formally the Bipartisan Campaign Reform Act of 2002) as some sort of … Continue reading →
Hail Czar of Muscovy, Please pardon my brevity (though as the Czar’s favorite columnist has oft remarked, brevity is the soul of wit and essence of lingerie).* It occurs to your humble correspondent that the failure of the Democrats to … Continue reading →
So NRO has changed its color scheme to brown to celebrate the election of Scott Brown. Pshaw. Look around. We’ve been brown for years. Do we know how to call ‘em or what? The Czar of MuscovyБожію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, … Continue reading →
Here we go again. The Czar’s most inexplicable read, The New York Times, thinks it might have this Coakley loss figured out. See, Coakley did not campaign enough. And some of her public comments did not look smart. Things, you … Continue reading →
Interestingly, ‘Puter, the Czar had not even really heard of Mika Brzezinski until recently, when she quite publicly said two interesting things: (a) that the news media is hopelessly liberal, under a mesmerist-like spell for Obama, and no matter what … Continue reading →
Michael Graham of the Corner asks: It wasn’t Scott Brown, or Martha Coakley or even Dick Cheney’s Vote-Stealing-And-Weather-Control Machine. It was you. You won this election. The Mandarin asks: And just where did Dick Cheney get a weather control machine? … Continue reading →
Running for office? A GOP candidate? Read this carefully—it is from Senator Brown’s victory speech. When I first started running, I asked for a lot of help, because I knew it was going to be me against the machine. I … Continue reading →
Pffft. Already we have our first Coakley should have won; she’s just so much nicer love-letter from WaPo. Did you know she delivers witty poems? Funny roasts? Broadway musicals? Skiing? Gush! Did you also know that she perfectly represents what … Continue reading →
You already know the good news. Why are you not surprised? No, you are of course delighted to know the Senate is now 58.5-41, and that the critical filibuster is ready to begin. You also know that a wave of … Continue reading →
You guys amaze me with the amount of knowledge you have about so many subjects, many of them incredibly complex. Hope you will keep up the website for a very long time!! Yeah, we are cool. On any given day, … Continue reading →
Sheesh. The Czar is getting tired of talking about Brown v Coakley. So he will stop. Therefore, America, what do you think of Brown v Coakley? JAB throws this ‘un down: Your Czarness: Down here in the Southern part of … Continue reading →
One CNN editorial says that a Brown victory is not a sign that Obama is in trouble. A second CNN editorial provides some pretty good argumentation to the contrary. Read both, if you have time. If not, read the latter … Continue reading →
Dick Durbin (D-IL) puts what the Czar hopes is his career on the line. Durbin announced today that if Brown wins the Massachusetts special election, the Democrats are prepared to use the nuclear option. We trust this is not a … Continue reading →
The Christian Science Monitor has slightly interesting piece on the Democrats’s potential backup plans should Brown beat Coakley in this wildly entertaining but too-close-to-call Senatorial special election. The Czar agrees with the author, Peter Grier, that these are basically the … Continue reading →
FOR SALE: One extremely lazy, clumsy Vietnamese houseboy, who is a hard worker but inattentive in his chores who does not listen when the Czar tells him to be careful around the Waterford crystal, and thinks he knows better. And … Continue reading →
Mandarin, Can any of your sources confirm if there was any issue with victims, two by four, not being able to get through a bathroom door? The Czar of MuscovyБожію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь … Continue reading →
Seneca said that. “Fire tests gold; misfortune, the strength of man.” In other words, you learn the most about a leader by seeing what he does when things are going wrong. So how is our phone-it-in talk-show rock-star President doing? … Continue reading →
Sometimes the reader might be inclined to forget that the Gormogons are behind most weird world events—some of them make sense only to us. Yes, it is all an ingenious conspiracy theory. What you may not realize is our craft … Continue reading →
The FBI, very much at great expense, produced a digitally enhanced image for the US State Department to show that Osama bin Lādin might potentially look just like kindly Mr. Habib, who owns the on-time and clean limousine service next … Continue reading →
Golly. Even in cautious polls, candidate Scott Brown has pulled ahead of Martha Coakley. Some say he has a 4% lead; others put him closer to 17%. The President, originally content to support Coakley with a phoned-in video bit—which is … Continue reading →
Wow. Google Finally Translates ‘Don’t Be Evil’ into Mandarin Some of the best free advertising we ever got! The Czar of MuscovyБожію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes … Continue reading →
A lot of hay is being made that should Scott Brown win the election and become Massachusetts’ new senator, he will need to wait 10 days before being sworn in and elegible therefore to vote against the health care bill. … Continue reading →
JG channels the Czar here (inspired, perhaps? Whatever. The Czar fantasizes.) but does it much better with his analysis of the Brown v Coakley campaign. In fact, some of Friend Jonah’s allusions are spot on. Our favorite: Coakley is a … Continue reading →
Here is what happened, as near as one can figure. You have the Mandarin, who has been working on something called a polychromatic texture enforcement weapon, and who has been itching to try it out. Then you have the ‘Puter, … Continue reading →
Rep. Bill Delahunt (D-MA) is shocked, like so many Democrats, that the Coakley v Brown Senate race is now officially a dead heat, and with strong signs that Brown can win (especially given the rate at which he has been … Continue reading →
