Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.
The beer summit, admittedly, went a little different than the Czar originally suggested. Some thoughts. SGT Crowley said that the summit was “productive and the two men plan to meet again.” In fact, the Czar hears, the two really hit … Continue reading →
Jonah Goldberg spotted a plea by Dan Rather for President Obama to repair and save the American media. Wow. Rather believes such a move is nothing short of saving American democracy! Quote: A truly free and independent press is the … Continue reading →
As you know, President Obama has invited Cambridge Police SGT James Crowley and Harvard loudmouth Henry Louis Gates, Jr., to the White House for a “beer summit,” although no one seems to know what the goal of this meeting is … Continue reading →
Wow. In addition to having a website, the Taliban now have a playbook, laying down rules for their military code of conduct. Curiously, it reads very much like an American guide to military operations in civilian populations: be polite, do … Continue reading →
What a pickle POTUS Obama finds himself in. His popularity is dropping—not as fast as conservative bloggers and commentators would have you believe—but the downward trend is quite obvious. This problem happened to Bill Clinton, too, if you recall. Each … Continue reading →
FoxNews reports that recent photos of Kim Jong Il indicate he may not be as sick as reported. The Czar asked his okhrana to get more info. Evidently, the North Korean newswire (it is a literal wire) released this photograph, … Continue reading →
Yeah, so the Volgi sends the Czar a link to a New York Times blog post by Nicholas Wade; within Mr. Wade repeats a comment by a psychologist who claims that scientists are humans, and therefore are subject to GroupThink; … Continue reading →
Just remember that FoxNews is always your voice of doom. As you may have heard, something pretty big slammed into Jupiter last week. We don’t know what it was, because it hit on the far side. And nobody likes the … Continue reading →
News that the blue dye in M&Ms might assist with treating spinal injuries. The story is written thus: injecting the blue dye into mice with spinal injuries seems to restore spinal functionals; further, the only side effect is that the … Continue reading →
The ill-advised “Cash for Clunkers” is already turning out to be a typical Obama-administration deal. If you remember this, starting July 24, you can take your old POS lime green Fiero into a dealership and get an additional $4,500 back … Continue reading →
Anyway, whatever that nonsense up there is, that’s what you get when you try to hack into GorT’s brain. Here’s how it went down. So the Czar is strolling through the basement of the Castle Gormogon (motto of our basement: … Continue reading →
The Czar and family regret that we were unable to post today, as we were quite busy. We rescued a dog. Seen here, this is Sally. She is a shetland sheepdog, and she is about two years old. She is … Continue reading →
Imagine you have a bill on the floor that is growing unpopular with the American public, possibly faster than any other big spending bill in history. You find your bill is losing votes fast. Worse, it turns out that your … Continue reading →
Every ultra-secret society needs an easy-to-find website. And it is the one-year anniversary of this one! As a way of celebrating, here’s a simple user guide to most things Gormogon. Learn More About Us Although the Gormogons claim roughly five … Continue reading →
The Czar has promised to be less obnoxious about celebrity obituaries going forward. This is a first attempt. Gidget, the 15-year-old star of Taco Bell commercials, has died. No, really, you insenstive asses. The poor thing died while playing with … Continue reading →
Not sure whether this is GorT or the Mandarin answering. -from Abstruse Goose The Czar of MuscovyБожію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and … Continue reading →
Everything Hillary knows about North Korea, she learned from Chelsea (pictured, right). The Czar has made numerous accusations, as recently as yesterday, that Democratic foreign policy against tyrants and dictators consists of treating the evil ones as naughtly little children … Continue reading →
By now you have heard that the Thune provision—which would have allowed legitimate concealed-carriers to carry concealed firearms in all 50 states—was defeated. There were no surprises in who voted for or against the provision; ayes or noes were a … Continue reading →
SoS Clinton is fuming mad! Those “friends we haven’t met yet,” Iran and North Korea, are going to be sorry if they continue on the road to nuclear weapons. Really sorry. Why, she’s so mad, she’s not even sure what … Continue reading →
Feel free to pick which one of these is “an inexcusable waste of money.” The Czar of MuscovyБожію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in … Continue reading →
Is Burma, incorrectly called Myanmar by the NYT, looking to engage with North Korea on a nuclear weapon partnership? As far-fetched as this initially seems (the two countries do not enjoy a happy common history), evidently there is enough evidence … Continue reading →
Optimistic signs of recovery abound. No doubt you have heard that some recipients of TARP funds have already begun paying the money back. This is very good news, because it shows the American business can heal itself, and the government … Continue reading →
Some of IowaHawk’s very best writing right here. Every paragraph is savory. The Czar of MuscovyБожію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was … Continue reading →
Something vexes the Czar. Unions. Most people who work hard for a living understand that unions are bad. Maybe once they helped prevent worker accidents and so on, but no longer. We have agencies in place that do better for … Continue reading →
The Czar has heard yet another radio advertisement for a group demanding the POTUS Obama deliver his birth certificate. Article Two, Section 1, of the United States Constitution requires that the President be a natural born US citizen. If he … Continue reading →
When you see one of our not-so-carefully-hidden messages on the web, you can tell we are easily the best-known ultra-secret society. We have invested a lot of time and money to conquer the technology of the internet. Because “antient” doesn’t … Continue reading →
Barely any attention is being paid to the news that a company called CIT is in meetings with bondholders to avoid bankruptcy. CIT is one of those company that few people know about, and yet it is extremely important to … Continue reading →
Too bad for Michael Jackson. Walter Cronkite has died. The media has lost someone they looked up to. Who was popular. Expect two weeks, at least, of self-absorbed narcissism, personal reflections of what Uncle Walter meant to them, retrospectives (whoa, … Continue reading →
Your Volgi sent us this little link, which explores why scientists hate Republicans. The Czar appreciates the assumption that it is worthless asking whether or not scientists actually do hate Republicans—by God, actually they do. The article covers the Pew … Continue reading →
So to speak. Last evening, the Czar and family attended a private function at a nearby wildlife rehabilitation preserve. At this location, they take in injured or ill wild animals and treat them for either release into the wild, or … Continue reading →
Hillary Clinton breaks her arm. Pope Benedict breaks his wrist. Tour de France cyclist Levi Leipheimer breaks his wrist. Medically speaking, the only way to fracture a wrist is in a karate fight with Masonic ninjas. So something is definitely … Continue reading →
An open letter from the Czar of Muscovy to Those Who Would Claim His Title (hint: that’s you, Obama czars). Let us be clear. Americans do not like you. You may be enjoying a brief stint of newsglow, but the … Continue reading →
Hard to believe these are the same news stories. AP reports that the Congressional Budget Office Director concludes the Obamacare Bill will fail to slow the rise of health care costs. Fortunately, the story continues, bipartisan efforts and a revamping … Continue reading →
As readers know, the Czar and his family spent part of this week in Springfield, Illinois, which serves as our state’s capital. While there, we took in the reknowned Abraham Lincoln Presidential Library and Museum. This facility is simply incredible. … Continue reading →
Huzzah. The Czar took some vacation with his lovely Царица, and took the Цесаревич (who has been learning a lot about Lincoln) and the younger Царевич (who likes trains, a lot) to Springfield, Illinois. Among our many stops, about some … Continue reading →
In the old days, before Michael Jackson, there was a tragic and mysterious air crash. Air France Flight 447 vanished off the coast of Brazil. All 228 passengers and crew were killed. Some weeks ago, the Czar wondered openly whether … Continue reading →
“Be My Little Baby.” 2:34 of your time, and every second is bliss. The Czar of MuscovyБожію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and … Continue reading →
Either way, here is a study the Czar is glad he did not participate in. Frankly, the Czar is happy he did not…um…gather the data, so to speak. The Czar of MuscovyБожію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ … Continue reading →
The Czar can’t be a jerky all the time. 2:25 of your time, and yeah, it’s worth it. The Czar of MuscovyБожію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes … Continue reading →
According to KMOV News in St. Louis, a 53-year-old Tampa woman shot herself in a bathroom stall when her handgun fell to the floor and fired. The bullet lodged in her leg, and she will be just fine. Few things … Continue reading →
Readers of the Gormogons are expected to have fluency in approximately 60 languages. More, perhaps, as we think of it. The reason we use so many different languages here is not because we appeal to a global audience or enjoy … Continue reading →
Your Volgi called it early. The Czar is starting to concede that POTUS Obama’s “get off your asses” speech in Ghana to Africa as a whole might prove to be a very good thing. Indeed, it might be the most … Continue reading →
In his weekly radio address, POTUS Obama reminded everyone that injury happens fast to a body, but healing takes a while. The Czar agrees with his reminder that the economy is not going to be fixed overnight. Frankly, the Czar … Continue reading →
Normally the Czar enjoys reading BBC News as a slightly less Obamacized source of worldwide information. However, an article on the costs of healthcare leave the Czar slightly annoyed. The article looks at McAllen, Texas, a town with a healthcare … Continue reading →
The Czar has long followed Chicago politics, which few outsiders actually get. But let us take a look at the latest in Illinois politics (terribly influenced by the Chicago corruption machine) and see what the latest is. Nationally, Senator Roland … Continue reading →
The Czar gives himself points for merging two inside Gormogon jokes with that title. He also strongly recommends the Volgi click this link for reasons important only to us. You have been warned that it will make no sense to … Continue reading →
Rep. Henry Waxman (D-Stalin), if this has not been said too many times here, is an outrageous idiot. By now you have heard this statement, from a radio interview he gave: “It appears that the Republican Party leadership in the … Continue reading →
The Czar has decided, as the Mandarin says, to fire up the way-back machine. In looking over the last 12 months, we have picked up a lot of readers. For those newest readers, you can find some of our best … Continue reading →
The Czar was reminded of the Mandarin’s post on whether POTUS Obama qualified as an African Colonial, at least psychologically, as L. E. Ikenga suggests. The Czar is pretty sure that if he were, the President would not want anyone … Continue reading →
So speaks The Carbon Fibber: The Holy Obaman Empire has more Czars than Czarist Russia AND The Gormogons combined. The Czar of Muscovy…most pleased with this line. The Carbon Fibber is hereby granted that should he ever visit and spend … Continue reading →
Probably no one noticed it except the Czar, but CNN has a nice summary of everything that’s wrong with the Obama administration. The story discusses how the GOP is starting to turn the flame up on the Obama economic recovery … Continue reading →
From The Guardian’s coverage of POTUS Obama’s trip to Russia, comes this: Without mentioning Russia by name, Obama spelled out the US’s commitment to “universal values.” These included the rule of law, the equal administration of justice, and competitive elections—all … Continue reading →
Love him, hate him, or both, Robert McNamara died Monday at the age of 93. His life was interesting enough, but he had a massive effect on world history, from American foreign policy as well as how America and the … Continue reading →
According to the Taliban’s website, they have indeed captured an American soldier, although the DoD is concerned that the website provides no details on his condition. Wait, the Taliban has a website? Bet somebody at the InterNIC is sorry he … Continue reading →
So evidently, Joe Biden has given Israel permission to take on Iran. By that, we mean hardball. Yeah, the US would like to see Iran negotiate, but “If the Netanyahu government decides to take a course of action different than … Continue reading →
The Czar found a website called Democrats Against Obama, and wondered what it might contain. Information on our 44th president’s policies and misfires? Editorial commentary on his next steps? Plans to improve the Democratic party? Well. It does contain a … Continue reading →
To all our readers across the United States, happy Independence Day. Nearly everyone will remind you to take a moment to remember what this day represents for all Americans. The Gormogons would also like you to remember what this day … Continue reading →
˙ʇɥƃıɹ ɟləsɹnoʎ əʌoɹd oʇ qoɾ ɹnoʎ ʇnq ‘ƃuoɹʍ noʎ əʌoɹd oʇ qoɾ sıɥ s,ʇı ˙ʇɥƃıɹ sı sʇnu əɹ,noʎ noʎ ƃuılləʇ ʎnƃ ʇɐɥʇ əqʎɐɯ ʇɐɥʇ ɹəpısuoɔ oʇ pıɐɹɟɐ əq ʇ,uop ʇnq ˙ʇı oʇ ʞɔıʇs uəɥʇ puɐ ‘puıɯ uʍo ɹnoʎ dn əʞɐɯ … Continue reading →
The Czar is, um, bemused to be quoted and linked to on an astrology website. Yes, the link is there, but trust us: they don’t need any further traffic. [updated: classy and intellectual, Brian Dunbar has done some elaborate detective … Continue reading →
Here’s a photo of Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport this morning, which shows a small portion of the United Airlines fleet grounded until further notice. The cause? A computer system that handles operations is completely rampant, and systems are only now … Continue reading →
As Hollywood continues to clean out its junk drawer, the Czar was sorry to hear that 1970s television mainstay (and award winner) Karl Malden passed away at the impressive age of 97. The Czar learned of his passing this morning … Continue reading →
Lao Tzu (for whom the Volgi has always had a low tolerance and once hit him in the head with an empty port bottle) once wrote “The Dow which can be spoken of is not the eternal way.” Indeed, the … Continue reading →
Half-read stories can save a lot of time. Many politicians are lawyers. Lawyers are often nick-named sharks. Seems sharks use specific hunting strategies similar to serial killers. Seems serial killers have brains wired very much like politicians. And know that … Continue reading →
FoxNews reports that there’s fox news. Seem over Wooster-way, a fox attacked a 76 year old woman so savagely that a police officer was forced to shoot them both. Or maybe he shot just the fox: the story is a … Continue reading →
If you are about done with Michael Jackson, you may be interested to hear that the Kang Nam has turned around. This ship, which is suspected of carrying illegal materials, has been shadowed by the U.S.S. John McCain for weeks … Continue reading →
If you aren’t up on these things, the planet Venus is shrouded under dense, lethal clouds. As a result, humans have never really seen what it looks like. Do not be fooled: we have maps and topographies and all sorts … Continue reading →
Washington Post reports that “Michael Jackson’s body will be driven to his Neverland Valley Ranch in central California as early as Thursday….” This is what the Czar pictures. The Czar of MuscovyБожію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ … Continue reading →
AFP reports that each Brit will pay the equivalent of $1.15 to support the royal family this year. The Czar lost count, but how much will the average American pay more this year since the Obamas came into the White … Continue reading →
The Czar has been waiting for this. Back in March, he commented on Obama’s dubious promise that his administration would follow science, not politics. After all, it was the Evil Bush who suppressed science in order to further political objective, … Continue reading →
The Czar has not been following the Honduran coup situation closely enough for his tastes. He wishes there was more coverage on it, and is ashamed to admit this caught him by surprise. And the Czar assumes you have not … Continue reading →
Wow, remember a hundred years ago when all that bad stuff was happening in Iran? Thank goodness that all ended, somehow. Because we need to talk about Michael Jackson! The entire weekend seems to have been Michael Jackson! Michael Jackson! … Continue reading →
The Czar waits to see the spin on this. Specifically, he wonders when both sides of the climate change free-for-all will each claim conclusive evidence on a recent study. But let us back up a step. Climatologists have long known … Continue reading →
The Czar offers to put NBC News up against his special “photography” wall, for their decision—in lieu of any evidence or autopsy findings—that Billy Mays clearly died as a result of luggage hitting him in the head on a botched … Continue reading →
Your Czar and the Mandarin spent a gloriously sunny day in not unscenic Bonfield, Illinois, taking in the Illinois State Rifle Association’s open house. Nice event: everything from handguns to rifles to shotguns to muzzle loaders to archery…if it shoots, … Continue reading →
HOLLYWOOD—With the shock of Michael Jackson’s demise now under media control, the music world was pleased to announce that its new King of Pop will be Tom Waits. No date has been announced for the coronation, which is anticipated to … Continue reading →
Wow. Thank goodness that President Obama is stopping the poisonous effect of lobbyists on legislation. So he must be pretty ticked that Waxman-Markey Bill was riddled with lobbyist-influenced requirements! We can rest assured that the President would never support such … Continue reading →
And thus spake Ayatollah Ahmad Khātamī to the Iranian people: “I want the judiciary to punish leading rioters firmly and without showing any mercy to teach everyone a lesson.” And so said Benjamin Franklin when a similar threat was issued … Continue reading →
The Crown Prince of Whacko…dead? The Czar did not see this one coming. Wow. Wish we had chosen a nicer picture under the circumstances. The Czar of MuscovyБожію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The … Continue reading →
A great deal is being made about the role Twitter is playing in the Iranian turmoil. The Czar quickly decided to investigate how great this role is. The following dispatch arrived from our okhrana, which makes the Czar wonder if … Continue reading →
We haven’t talked too much about Governor Sanford, which makes us once again totally unlke the media (who is talking about him way too much). The Emir of TJICistan seems to have completely captured the Czar’s thoughts on the matter, … Continue reading →
Your Volgi mocks the Czar, quite openly. One ingenious way he does it: he sends the Czar stories like this, in which a guy who has become an incredibly minor internet phenom for dressing something like a Tron character—except that … Continue reading →
Some House Democrats are struggling to get an ill-advised energy tax bill passed. Many Dems believe this will unrealistically hike energy taxes. Republicans think it’s bad business and bad for business. Evidently, they do not have the votes to get … Continue reading →
By now, you have heard that actress Farrah Fawcett has passed away, largely as expected from such serious cancer. If this is the first you are hearing this, we support your decision to get your news only from this site. … Continue reading →
In another stunning show of amateurism, the White House is no longer offering invitations for Iranians to visit any July 4th celebrations around the world (see your Volgi, below, for a similar degree of shock). This is in response to … Continue reading →
In an open love letter to POTUS Obama, Aaron Colohan of the Richmond Liberal Examiner opines that the President is doing a fine job of managing both Iran and North Korea, even though they are two very different countries. The … Continue reading →
The Czar thought it was creepy a while back when Natalie Cole did a duet with her late father. You know what could be an even weirder duet? Buzz Aldrin and Snoop Dog. If you have the sort of mind … Continue reading →
The Mandarin says it’s like trying to nail jello to a tree. One assumes he may have done such a thing. The Czar has not, but agrees in theory: the more the Iranian government tries to suppress access to the … Continue reading →
One of the Czar’s messengers thought it necessary to interrupt his Pandora listening of Neil Sedaka with a news report about a Romanian teenager, Maria Barbu, who evidently electrocuted herself while twittering in the bathtub. “Pictures or it didn’t happen, … Continue reading →
No doubt many conservative, or pseduo-conservative, folks will be lauding Nicolas Sarkozy’s declared that burqu’s (burkhas) have no place in France as they are a clear celebration of the subjugation of women. The Czar is quite uneasy with this. Perhaps … Continue reading →
As you know, and as you keep asking, is there anything we have for sale? Maybe. Meantime, we have a few of these left: the HK-HK (Hello Kitty) submachine guns, chambered for 9mm. Roller-locked delayed blowback, and 800 rpm cyclic … Continue reading →
Well, in between your Volgi’s Rémi Brague recommendation and GorT’s 25-page treatise on Euclidean geomtery, the Czar is not quite sure how to handle the reading workload. Ah yes, a suggestion from ‘Puter! The Czar of MuscovyБожію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, … Continue reading →
The Czar appreciates your Volgi’s confidence in his analysis of the Senator Boxer (evidently a lightweight) discussion. The Czar does not disagree with ‘Puter’s main point, though: this is something being stretched out of proportion to the one and only … Continue reading →
Right. Well, as you know, GorT sent a message to the world by deliberately causing the Kaguya probe to crash into the surface of the Moon as a demonstration of our power. JAXA, Japan’s version of NASA (except they seem … Continue reading →
Iran rips Britain, and Britain rips ‘em right back. See, State Department? That’s how you send a message to the protestors. Promising that Twitter will stay open extra late doesn’t do it. And BBC Persia? Great idea to help inspire … Continue reading →
FoxNews just went with this story, which the Czar does not see on other news feeds yet, that the dramatically-named USS John McCain is closing in on a North Korean ship believed to be moving weapon material around. The destroyer, … Continue reading →
The Obama administration is like a paranoid whackjob’s dream come true. How much government intrusion into daily lives is possible? Well, how about your breakfast cereal, товарищ? According to the new FDA, Cheerios is making misleading health claims that may … Continue reading →
God, we love ‘Puter, especially when he is always right. The Czar agrees that conservative talk radio is making too much of Senator Barbara Boxer’s request of BG Walsh. Bigger fish to fry, people! However, this exchange nevertheless gnaws at … Continue reading →
Ah yes, baseball is back, and so are steroid abuse allegations. In baseball’s worst-kept secret, Sammy “Say It Ain’t” Sosa (thanks to the Chicago Sun-Times for that gem of a pun) has been named as a player who tested positive … Continue reading →
Article II—The Executive Branch Section 2 – Civilian Power over Military, Cabinet, or Anything The President shall be Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy of the United States, and of the Militia of the several States, and due … Continue reading →
