Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.
The Czar remains a huge advocate for The Boy Scouts of America (and Girl Scouts, too!). Although some under-educated right wing commentators have incorrectly bad-mouthed the manliness of the BSA recently, the fact remains that Scouting is a dirt-cheap way … Continue reading →
Boneman writes in after too long an absence to wax politically philosophic on Progressivism. Like a heavy gray blanket, the gray grip of progressivism continues to slowly smother the United States. Progressivism is the cancer that we all contracted more … Continue reading →
Recently, the Czar grumbled about why the government grows and never will, in reality, shrink. This is a big issue for lots of people on both sides of the aisle, but only conservatives and libertarians seems to come up with … Continue reading →
The Czar was not expecting to see Ant-Man this weekend as the Цесаревич is just back from Цѣсарь Scouts Camp (merit badges in Serf Punching, Long Distance Shooting, Worst Aid, and Axemanship). But it turned out that after a good … Continue reading →
Prior to Obamacare’s passage, there were about 18 million people uninsured. Today, the estimate of people uninsured is, well, 18 million. We’ve seen early on from the “revised downward” news reports (usually released on Fridays) after the launch of the … Continue reading →
Well, the Czar is certainly all excited for the upcoming Pluto fast flyby! If you have been living under a rock for the last few years, in addition to liking Donald Trump’s campaign, you should also know that we finally … Continue reading →
Hey, you know who’s still with us? As it turns out? It is mighty peculiar that the anti-gay Westboro Baptist Church is located in Topeka, Kansas, which has many postal zip codes of the form 666**. But while looking into … Continue reading →
Let it never be said the Czar doesn’t let JAB get another word or two in. Dear Your Czarness, Reading the post from Operative B made me think of other inconvenient, unintended consequences: I then asked him whether that included … Continue reading →
The Czar has been away from both the dacha and the Castle lately, taking a bit of time off with the family to engage in some vacation up in the woods of south central Wisconsin. Indeed, the Czar normally deplores … Continue reading →
Mitch writes in to point out that Czar’s memory is oftimes scratchy and clumped up in tufts like a shedding dog’s butt: You’ve got nine-tenths of a good argument there, but the red-and-blue Andrew’s Cross flag with the stars isn’t … Continue reading →
Two schools of thought approach the Stars and Bars—the ongoing display of the Confederate Flag—and both are wrong. The flag is vile, racist, and a symbol of hatred. This of course denies all of its historical implications and traditions, and … Continue reading →
If anything was ever ripe for Gormogons takedown, it’s this Rachel Dolezal story. What a perfect blend of lunacy masquerading as social something or other. Look, Ms. Dolezal is either a liar at the end of the line or she … Continue reading →
So Island Dweller writes in to the Czar with the question formost on his mind: Your immenseness: I have read your recent posting re: the latest “demonic” craze about the “Charlie Charlie” game. I have a question to ask that … Continue reading →
As a few of you know, the Царица teaches in an inner-city school district, and more than a few of the students are of Mexican descent. Recently, quite a number of them have become obsessed—to the point that the district … Continue reading →
There’s no shortage of free press available to Tahera Ahmad, a Northwestern University chaplain, who claims she was harassed by crew and passengers aboard a United Airlines-affiliated shuttle flight. The whole thing is a farce, and anyone in the mainstream … Continue reading →
The Leng Elementary School girls’ soccer team won the All-Plateu Tourney this year, and we wanted to give them a shout out primarily as GorT was an assistant coach and because they are the only team in the league. Congrats, … Continue reading →
Illinois residents will be treated to a rare opportunity on June 2 to discover which of their neighbors are morons. A network of anti-gun groups have planned a statewide event for Tuesday that will demonstrate the widespread solidarity of Illinois … Continue reading →
Your Czar is concerned with your health, and naturally has asked his Czarist Imperial Surgeon’s Office to prepare a bullet point list on how you can best protect yourself against the MERS, which is known as H1N1A, or more commonly, … Continue reading →
Seems that whenever there’s a Democrat in the White House, the Boy Scouts become a target for criticism. A number of voices are joining the unfounded and totally unresearched criticism of the BSA policy against water pistols, to which Retired … Continue reading →
As the Left continues to dominate popular culture, the Right obsesses in its quest to develop a Purity Test that will, at long last, eliminate everyone from the conservative cause. The latest surprise potshot was taken at that long-time stalwart … Continue reading →
The Czar believes a hagiography on the late B.B. King is warranted, especially after the lively discussions we shared on Twitter with so many of you. Mr. King’s death was a blow for all music, worldwide, and not just a … Continue reading →
Well, probably most of you recall that the Царица, the Czar’s wonderful wife, is a public school teacher. Some may recall that she works in an inner-city, borderline impoverished district. All of you can predict that she is virulently anti-union … Continue reading →
Amtrak ticket sales cover 88% of its operating costs, which means the Federal government picks up the balance. After that year, Congress awarded Amtrak $1.4 billion in subsidies. This means that Amtrak’s total operating costs equate to $11.667 billion. Ridership … Continue reading →
The Czar has spoken in the past, quite authoritatively, that Americans remain a very religious lot: we are, by our nature, a church-slash-temple-slash-synagogue-slash-mosque-going people. Every so often, a bit of political theater calls this into question. Anytime a quasi-religious or … Continue reading →
The Czar heard an ad on the radio today for organic cotton bedsheets. The ad’s spokeswoman was quick to say that “organic” was not a just buzzword, but in fact accurate: the sheets are organic cotton because that provides the … Continue reading →
The Czar has had quite a bit of mail to get through lately; fortunately, most of it is total trash: “Eh, yer so funny!” “Hey, you’re not quite right on a historical bit of trivia!” “Eh, yer so overdue on … Continue reading →
Hey, high schoolers! Graduation is just a couple weeks away (or so), and you valedictorians are probably getting your speeches ready for the big day, right? Well, stop, because your speech is awful. Let the Czar help you out. If … Continue reading →
The Czar is well aware that we owe you all a review of the Avengers: Age of Ultron movie, although by this point you either saw it, won’t see it, or might get around to it when it’s on cable. … Continue reading →
No less a famous personage than ScottO arrived in Chicago this past weekend for some spurious business affair involving his wife. Probably some Strangers on a Train sort of thing. But ScottO discovered that his dearest wife (which makes one … Continue reading →
The NightFly writes in from our mobile command unit: O Dreaded Awfulness: I have been at some pains to identify the player that GP is channeling in the photo on your hockey bet post. (The ferret guards will look quite … Continue reading →
The subject of academic reformation is truly an ongoing debate, given each generation’s increasing dislike for the pedagogic methods of those preceding it, and each generation’s intolerance for those that follow. The Czar has wondered what, exactly, has gone wrong … Continue reading →
As you know, your Gormogons are generally an ill-humored bunch, given to squabbling over sports. Some of us hate baseball, the rest loathe soccer. Pretty much we all think the NBA is deplorable, and a couple of us are worried … Continue reading →
The Czar got an interesting question in the mail today from Operative BJ: Your Majesty, This lowly minion was having a discussion with his eldest offspring, “she who lives in LA”, about the latest officer-involved shooting in South Carolina, when … Continue reading →
If you want to look all smart and knowy at your next vodka tasting, thermodynamics is a pretty solid way to go. First, it’s viewed as one of the hardest sciences there is, and second, in about ten seconds, you … Continue reading →
Picture an old-timey locomotive racing out of control down the railroad tracks. The original engineers have jumped off, and only the crazy train passengers are left. They have packed themselves into the small cab and are furiously yelling, pushing, and … Continue reading →
The Czar regrets his recent absence on the site, but he has been traveling for hundreds of miles, and dealing with sickness. Unfortunately, both these instances happened at the same time when the Царевич brought home something (curse you, school … Continue reading →
The Czar has always been fascinated by really deep, scary underwater places like the bottom of the ocean, or like…well, that’s pretty much it. Millions of us have wondered about, like James Cameron. Although, to be fair, he built his … Continue reading →
Operative BJ sent in a couple of thoughts that warranted public reply. Here’s the first one, designed to cheer you up. Unless it depresses you, that is. Your Gracious Majesty, As I grow older and my hair turns grayer, I … Continue reading →
Today marks the start of Daylight Saving Time, and it’s time for the Czar to obey his annual tradition: reminding Dr. J. that it’s Daylight Saving Time, not Daylight Savings & Loan time. With that out of the way, the … Continue reading →
A bit of newer music than you’re used to from the Czar; it’s The Heavy, with “The Lonesome Road.” The Czar of MuscovyБожію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the … Continue reading →
Well, here it is the First of March, and it feels as if yesterday was only the 28th of February. The Czar dislikes February for one reason: as the shortest month, you get the lest value from monthly services and … Continue reading →
The Chicago primaries were yesterday, with a couple of interesting outcomes. One is fascinating the nation, justifiably. The other is no less important, but is missing from most radar screens. First and foremost, incumbent mayor Rahm Emanuel—chief of staff under … Continue reading →
Did you watch the AKC dog show last night? The Czar and his family did! This was the 139th annual dog show, based on the age of the judges. What a great event to watch, as a bunch of matronly … Continue reading →
Operative BJ worries: Your Magnificence, This lowly one comes before you to ask a simple question: should Americans be required to have a single federal government-issued identification number that, when stolen or misused, can destroy their lives? The federal government … Continue reading →
With Boston buried under thirty-feet of snow and volcanic ash, and New York not far behind, the Czar has already spotted the increasingly useless media interrupting soft-promos for shows on their respective networks and Democratic-party talking points with bizarre attempts … Continue reading →
All right—long-time readers here knew this was coming. And from whom. This story is slowly climbing its way to the top, so the Czar will not go into too much detail. However, for the sake of due diligence, know that … Continue reading →
Your Majesty, Gasoline is down to $2.00/gal in some places, and drivers are finally able to afford to drive to work. But the price could soon go up, and it won’t be because oil is scarce. As it turns out, … Continue reading →
The Czar likes the country of Chile since he first thought about it ten minutes ago. The Czar personally pronounces it “chee-lay,” although you can also pronounce it like the ground beef and bean food if you think that’s not … Continue reading →
The Czar was puttering through our awesome Twitter feed (which you should join and follow anon, if thou hast not done so hence), and spotted this eye-catching question from, of all groups, the New York Times: “How Did Politics Get … Continue reading →
As most of you know, the Czar was born in the last third of the 13th Century, and had the fortune to meet many people who either were famous or soon became famous. Many of these people were fun and … Continue reading →
Money is a curious thing, and even though the Czar is, modestly, what one might consider “galactically financially independent,” he still worries about cutting corners like the rest of you. For example, many domestic caviars are now just as good … Continue reading →
The Czar seems to have missed this story. IRS Commissioner Koskinen is complaining that the IRS may not have the staff necessary to process paper tax returns, and that some tax filers may have to wait for extended periods of … Continue reading →
Everything with Democrats is war. If it isn’t a war on fear, it’s a war on poverty, or a war on blacks. Frankly, we’re all a bit tired of it. The problem for Democrats is that they’ve run out of … Continue reading →
Operative BJ swung by the Castle lobby bar earlier this week and gave the Czar some of his thoughts on something the Czar has, coincidentally, been giving some thought independently. The Czar has sobered out enough to remember them. As … Continue reading →
Well, boys and girls, the Czar has been dealing with a stiff neck and a lot of stuff in and around Muscovy. He’s gotten some interesting mail, too, which sadly is still fit to place in the realm of recent … Continue reading →
Ever attend a really swag-time event, like a nurse’s cap ceremony or a fraternity initiation, or ever walk into the ladies room by mistake, and fall in love with the wonderful harp music filling the air? Bet you have, and … Continue reading →
Happy new year, everyone! The Czar had such a miserable 2014 that he actually looks forward to being a year older, just to get further away from the mess that was last year. 2015 will be, by comparison, a much … Continue reading →
By now, everybody should be familiar with JournoList, a social media group of leading left-wing journalists who effectively conspired to control the narrative of news; they had over 400 members (founder Ezra Klien claimed the actual number was almost twice … Continue reading →
Two related emails arrived just before Christmas, so it’s time to get them out there. The first is from Operative BJ, writing from an undisclosed location (probably his smoke house), and the second from Island Dweller. Your Majesty, This one … Continue reading →
Merry Christmas, everyone. Today is a day meant for sharing with family and friends, gathering around the tree or the table, and remembering the glorious traditions of your respective religion. Which is why you are on the internet, reading this … Continue reading →
At the very least, you can bet that Mark Spahn (did you know he hails from West Seneca, new York? We did!) stimulates no end of discussion among the Gormogonorati. A couple days back, he asked the Czar about the … Continue reading →
The Czar enjoys receiving messages from Mark Spahn, of West Seneca, New York, because they invariably start in medias res. Ponder the meter of the lyrics of these two songs: I want a hippopotamus for Christmas, only a hippopotamus will … Continue reading →
It’s a well-known fact in technology circles that all i-devices, like the iPhone, iPad, iPod, and PudThaI, are virtually identical devices that all do exactly the same things and have precisely the same parts in size. it’s also true that … Continue reading →
Progressives: A Very Brief History Any time you start with a serious attempt at reform, somebody comes along and hijacks it toward Leftism. Oh yeah, you can name a whole bunch of things today. Like Ferguson: a few folks get … Continue reading →
Operative TexasAggie (who is obviously some sort of Longhorns fan with a perverse sense of destiny and ritualized self-humiliation), asks an interesting but easily answered question: So far what I’ve read about the Sony hacks from all my favorite internet … Continue reading →
Preserving old furniture is something everybody does, even that weird old guy who lives a few doors down from you and likes to stand out in his driveway every morning wearing sweat pants and a soiled tee shirt, sipping his … Continue reading →
Well, the Czar needs to get these out of his inbox and up for the readership before they get any more out of date: Oh great and esteemed The Czar. Your humble minion on the plains believes that no CIA … Continue reading →
The Czar left the Castle day room, mildly bothered by the smell of Dr. J. using Force Lightning to raise the thermostat and Leng clouds brought a chill on the moor. Yes, we now have a moor; Volgi put one … Continue reading →
Letters, letters. The Czar is like a magnet for these things, and wonders whether his Castle Colleagues are as sufficiently bugged. But then, the Czar suspects the responses would be something along these lines: Fan: Just a quick note to … Continue reading →
Almost a year ago, Operative BJ and the Czar had a quiet discussion about duty and service, when he volunteered this story about his father. The Czar asked permission to retell it on his dad’s birthday. Here it is, and … Continue reading →
Hoping this day finds you better off than you were yesterday (but realistically, probably not), the Czar has decided to clean out some more of his mailbag. Here is something from Island Dweller: Most illustrious majesty: After following the latest, … Continue reading →
Your Gormogons have been consulted on what to do with those containers of Thanksgiving Day leftovers. Save this as a handy guide for next year by attaching your computer monitor to the refrigerator with a magnet and leaving it plugged … Continue reading →
The Czar usually gets stuck with the annual Thanksgiving Day message to you all. So today, he will toast you and yours with warm greeting. Literally: Sleestak has brought the Czar a variety of nice bourbons and a glass. Our … Continue reading →
The Czar is slightly hung-over today: nowhere near enough sleep, and too many ultra-lime-HD margaritas at the Leaping Peacock with ‘Puter last night. We found him this morning in his usual spot: passed out in a sitting position, leaning against … Continue reading →
The Czar was away in the enchanted community of Three Drunk Indians #6, Michigan, planning for our world domination. You would be amazed at how critical that hamlet shall prove to be in the next few years, and why the … Continue reading →
The Czar had the wonderful luck to spend a few, warm minutes with Illinois State Senator Chris Nybo yesterday evening, where we were able to congratulate him on his dominating election win, and he amazed the Czar by recalling specific … Continue reading →
The Czar answers all your questions on the comet landing. We apologize if this gets slightly technical for the average reader, but bear with us. Did we land on a comet or just crash into it and are calling it … Continue reading →
Operative BJ lobbed in a couple of questions to us. Here’s one: Your Wise, Patient, and Truthful Majesty, It appears that actions by another of your minion, Agent Gruber, have been discovered. Unfortunately – mainly for him – several of … Continue reading →
Now that the Midterm Elections are over, we can finally start wasting time wondering about 2016 Presidential candidates. The Czar has previously said the Democrats are tapped out, and basically have no choice but to run Hillary Clinton. Joe Biden … Continue reading →
The numerical extent of the Republican victories caught most of us by surprise, but the inevitability of it should catch none of our readers unawares. The Czar has been warning that the Democrat party is built on balloons for some … Continue reading →
Just when the Czar is looking for a way to discuss a topic, Operative BJ sends him a note on the very thing. O Mighty One! This lowly one was listening to a post-game review of Obama’s press conference from … Continue reading →
Scattered thoughts on yesterday’s election results: Scott Walker is a bona fide leader who gets it done. Each time he wins, he does so by bigger numbers. Wisconsin is sold on him, and let’s face it: he enjoys bigger support … Continue reading →
Operative BJ writes in with a then-timely but just-barely-by-the-time-we-got-to-it letter: Your Fearsomeness, I’m sure you were aware of the debate between Brown and Shaheen in New Hampshire last Thursday, and how there was (yet another) “Crowley Moment®” during a major … Continue reading →
Awesome Operative SW writes in about political ads, just before Election Day: I actually saw a useful political ad here in Montana the other day. The office was for State Supreme Court Justice, a position which is allegedly non-partisan. Once … Continue reading →
The Czar will posit, straight up, that the more educated you are, the less you like political ads. The Czar is willing to bet you loathe them but that’s a safe bet. In fact, the Czar is willing to assume … Continue reading →
The Czar, like you, was all excited by last week’s solar eclipse in the Midwest, which—if you missed it—looked like this for nearly everyone: An eclipse, as you know, is when the moon moves in front of the Earth and … Continue reading →
The Czar has discovered some emails floating in his networked world that should have seen the light of day earlier, and so he apologizes that some of these may not be topical by this point. First up, Boneman writes in, … Continue reading →
Probably a good many of our readers never heard the name Julius Fučik, even though the Czar is certain you can hum every note to the first third of his military battle march “Entry of the Gladiators,: (Vjezd Gladiátorů, although … Continue reading →
Today, we have three letters worthy of reply, or as any of the six remaining speakers of Esperanto might say (and rightfully so): «Mi parolas la stulta bastardo langugage de Esperanto.» First up, Operative DH has a thought about distaffing … Continue reading →
The Czar is pleased to have hosted the 2014 Gormogonicon party at his dacha. The dacha was colorfully decorated for this year’s theme, which was Booze and Chews (which narrowly beat out Hug and Chug). Mr. and Mrs. Mandarin, plus … Continue reading →
Operative BJ has been thinking a lot about the way things are worded in today’s world. And with darn good reason. For example, he’s been toying with the idea of same sex marriage. No, wait—that came out wrong. He’s been … Continue reading →
Your Czar is concerned with your health, and naturally has asked his Czarist Imperial Surgeon’s Office to prepare a bullet point list on how you can best protect yourself against the Ebola, which is known as H1N1A, or more commonly, … Continue reading →
Island Dweller reminds us of the valuable word distaff: Your immenseness: I have been ruminating on something my esteemed associate Esteemed Associate said recently when we were having one of our semi-weekly discussions re: current events. He was struck by … Continue reading →
Operative BJ is a hammer who knows what to do when he sees a nail: Oh Mighty One, This worthless minion grovels before you to say that all this “political correctness” and “sensitivity training” stuff is getting mighty tiresome. So, … Continue reading →
The Czar found this note tied to the leg of an otherwise lame duck. Your Omniscience: Yesterday while transiting an interstate highway (part of the glorious legacy of the administration of President Dwight D. Eisenhower) I was unfortunate enough to … Continue reading →
You know, the Czar had a couple of other thoughts on the subject of teachers getting “too much time off,” but did not include them in his original essay due to an interesting combination of judicious editing and just plaing … Continue reading →
A short time ago, the Czar overheard a guy at the archery range bemoaning the state of American education (and well he should). However, one comment caught the Czar’s ear: we could solve all the problems in American education, and … Continue reading →
Operative BJ wanted to get this letter in today, given that President Obama is chairing a UN Security Council meeting on ISIS today. Let’s hope it’s not a fund-raiser, because that’s all he used to be good at, and who … Continue reading →
There have been remarkably few moments in the history of the Secret Service that were objectionable, thank goodness. Given their mission, and how much they prevent, the Secret Service cannot allow a single mistake to occur. When mistakes happen, things … Continue reading →
