You never tell the Czar what to do. The Czar of MuscovyБожію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total … Continue reading →
Dr. J. is wondering when the Founding Gormos will be returning to the castle. The Czar’s mail is piling up. The machine that goes ping in Mandy’s lab stopped going ping. We’re out of yeti Food for Volgi’s pet, and … Continue reading →
Hello underlings. Know what could potentially help your career in a big way? (1) Work for us at the Castle as a minion, in which case you will survive (probably) our eventual world takeover and (possibly) be rewarded with a … Continue reading →
The Czar took the family out to a really outstanding but noisy Mexican restaurant the other night. In the booth behind us, the Czar’s finely tuned ears picked out a woman saying “…the Democrats. They want to ‘tax the rich, … Continue reading →
Let us see. Volgi is hiding up in his quarters with that goofy Yeti of his, watching another Sonny Chiba movie on Beta. Yeah, he sits there with his iPad now, Twittering all day. Averages about 800 tweets a day, … Continue reading →
Back in the days before Gavin Newsom turned San Francisco into a dump totally unfriendly to tourists, the Czar and Царица were enjoying uncharacteristically hot weather. She had never been to San Francisco before, so the Czar was taking her … Continue reading →
We have not had a good gun post in a while. Today, the Czar and Mandarin took the families shooting. The Inscrutable Mandarin brought the Lady Pêng of Hsüeh and Young Master MiGo, and the Czar brought the Царица and … Continue reading →
Your Czarness: JAB: Me and the younguns’ just came back from Northern Alabama, or N.A. to those in the know. Now, maybe it was the heat shimmering up from the highway, but I’m pretty sure I saw the following sign … Continue reading →
Ordinarily, on a holiday like Memorial Day, you get a lecture about how good you have it, and how you should be remembering all those lost lives rather than going out and partying. Not this year, though. Instead, with this … Continue reading →
Thanks to GorT’s time travel skillz, the Czar was just watching Diary of a Middle-Aged Kid IX: Mid-Life Crisis last night (the scene with Greg getting busted with that shemale Thai hooker is hysterical), when he found out that Muscovy … Continue reading →
It appears that another of the Czar’s brilliant design schemes is going to plan. Deer are impaling themselves on the sharp fence spikes that surround the local cemetery in Willaimsville, New York. The deer carcasses add to the somber mood … Continue reading →
‘Puter has been Czar’s designated driver, since ‘Puter gave up drinking after midnight (GMT)and before 6:00 AM (EST) for Lent. Unfortunately, ‘Puter had to attend his niece’s Irish step-dancing recital this weekend in Guadalajara, and Czar took the Castle’s tram … Continue reading →
[The Czar is busy today, despite an adventure in which the tree outside his Muscovy neighbor’s home was struck by lightning. It scaredeth the hell out of little Sally. Not much damage to the tree. That would be the big … Continue reading →
Concerning Czar’s post below, ‘Puter was taken aback upon reading it. ‘Puter reminded Czar that the official MSM Style Guide insists that the word “darkened” or any variant whatsoever of the word “dark” be used within fifteen sentences of any … Continue reading →
Dear Previous Owner of The Czar’s Royal Dacha, Whatever it is you are doing right now, stop it. Just stop. You are an idiot and have no idea what you are doing. To be fair, the Czar has prepared a … Continue reading →
‘Puter, while rummaging through Czar’s filing cabinets looking for his hidden stash of Metamucil margaritas, came across this lawsuit filed on behalf of Czar. And here ‘Puter was wondering what happened to his piggy bank and 55 gallon drum of … Continue reading →
Free breast, genital and rectal exams! While you’re unconscious and without your consent. Some, like ‘Puter, see this as a natural consequence of socialized medicine (i.e., ObamaCare). Others, like Czar, see this as a natural consequence of Saturday nights at … Continue reading →
Uncle Jay sends us this, written in charcoal on the back of a corrugated PVC lawn sign: O Cruel and Vicious Czar, By the Grace of God, Emperor and Autocrat of All the Russias, of Moscow, Kiev, Vladimir, Novgorod, yadda … Continue reading →
From: UBN Information Officer (fighterz—–0101@att.net)To: Mr. Czar MuscovyDate: January 21, 2011Subject: Attn: Valued CustomerWe write to bring to yournotice about your pendingpayment of 5.5 Million USD. Your pendingpayment is now confirmed by the UN and authorized for immediatewire transfer to … Continue reading →
If only ‘Puter smoked, this would be his place. As you head down Interstate 65 through Louisville, Kentucky, you pass by the tobacco shop owned by a real Mr. Cox. Yes, the photo is real: it does say Cox’s Smokers … Continue reading →
Hey, Czar. Nice bit on the metric system. I get why the metric guys go with zero for freezing, and 100 for boiling. But what’s up with Fahrenheit? If water freezes at 32, what happens at 0 degrees Fahrenheit? And … Continue reading →
Dear Czarina of Eastern Ukraine, I really liked your post about ‘Why Liberals Fight.’ I think you’re spot on in your analysis of the liberal base- divided. I think this was most evident at the last Democratic National Convention, and … Continue reading →
The Big Guy from Listen To Uncle Jay writes in: “The peasants are revolting!” —Sir Rodney, The Wizard of Id, Parker & Hart O Cruel and Vicious Czar, By the Grace of God, Emperor and Autocrat of All the Russias, … Continue reading →
The Czar was alarmed this morning when he had great difficulty walking downstairs to breakfast at his dacha in Muscovy. Was something broken? A neurological problem? He mentioned in passing to the Царица with some hesitation, because she tends to … Continue reading →
Dread and Awful Czar, If you can have the first, second, or third of something, what happens if you have less than the first? This is bugging me to no end. Indeed, verily, you can have the zeroth of something. … Continue reading →
The Czar has been spending time at his home in Muscovy, away from the Castle. Yesterday, he spent the evening with Царевич, the 5-year-old Grand Duke of Muscovy. We went for a nice walk after sunset, watching the moths come … Continue reading →
You probably get seven or eight of those coupon packets in your mailbox every other day, like the Czar does. The Czar recently returned to his Muscovy home, having been living out of the Castle for the last several weeks, … Continue reading →
Otherwise, we’d be having to manhunt the Czar in England. Why? The fair English rose at right would be a Czar magnet. Let’s go down the list of desiderata: • Cute Laura Hall, 20 Sure, cute enough. plus a low-cut … Continue reading →
…the Gormogons gave to me: Nine dancing Czarseight sex milking hits seven GorTs a’ traveling six Man’drin Bootingsfive Gor-mo-gonsfour bags of mailthree Guest Spotstwo Boxing Daysand a Hello Kitty in an orange tree Of course everyone is expecting this post … Continue reading →
The Mandarin and the Czar wonder what would happen if the City of Chicago had won the 2016 Olympics? One week before the opening ceremonies, the CTA would announce a funding crisis and cut all bus and train routes to … Continue reading →
You want to know how hard the Czar parties? This is how hard the Czar parties. How much more hard could the Czar party? None. None more hard. The rest of you are pikers. 'PuterAlways right, unless he isn’t, the … Continue reading →
Sorry, Volgi. The Czar just loves being embarrassed like this, although he believes the computational method quite sound. Except that photograph submitted to him indeed was incorrect. The Czar asked the okhrana bunch to go pay the dude a visit … Continue reading →
Little Sally is on the mend. She has accepted the fact that this weird place is her home now, and has figured out where in each room her favorite napping places are. Sally sleeps a lot, more than any dog … Continue reading →
As ‘Puter and the Czar were discussing this post over Cohibas and mason jars of corn likker in Castle Gormogon’s study, ‘Puter inquired as to how Hello Kitty could hit the pictured bong, seeing as she has no mouth. The … Continue reading →
Mighty Paul from Montana writes in with two notable points. He mentions that the Czar’s explanation that a larger risk pool saves more money is not necessarily correct unless the insurance company has a sufficient amount of fixed administrative or … Continue reading →
The Gormogons secret plant inside the construction industry writes in to say a couple of things worth sharing with the entire planet. I have thoroughly enjoyed your synopsis of the Health Care Reform Bill. I tried to read one of … Continue reading →
The Czar and family regret that we were unable to post today, as we were quite busy. We rescued a dog. Seen here, this is Sally. She is a shetland sheepdog, and she is about two years old. She is … Continue reading →
Every ultra-secret society needs an easy-to-find website. And it is the one-year anniversary of this one! As a way of celebrating, here’s a simple user guide to most things Gormogon. Learn More About Us Although the Gormogons claim roughly five … Continue reading →
So to speak. Last evening, the Czar and family attended a private function at a nearby wildlife rehabilitation preserve. At this location, they take in injured or ill wild animals and treat them for either release into the wild, or … Continue reading →
An open letter from the Czar of Muscovy to Those Who Would Claim His Title (hint: that’s you, Obama czars). Let us be clear. Americans do not like you. You may be enjoying a brief stint of newsglow, but the … Continue reading →
So speaks The Carbon Fibber: The Holy Obaman Empire has more Czars than Czarist Russia AND The Gormogons combined. The Czar of Muscovy…most pleased with this line. The Carbon Fibber is hereby granted that should he ever visit and spend … Continue reading →
Your Czar and the Mandarin spent a gloriously sunny day in not unscenic Bonfield, Illinois, taking in the Illinois State Rifle Association’s open house. Nice event: everything from handguns to rifles to shotguns to muzzle loaders to archery…if it shoots, … Continue reading →
So, yeah, your Œc. Vol. visited the Czar’s domains yesterday, and we had a nice time, or at least so thought Confucius*. The Czar seems to have been baffled by the Volgi’s pronunciation of “Volgi,” or as the Volgi would … Continue reading →
Moments after the Czar pre-apologized to all of you that the Mandarin and your Volgi would be unable to post for a day, the two of them elected to mess with the Czar and put up some substantive posts. It … Continue reading →
The Mandarin journeys to the West today, allegedly due to some scrutables rumored to exist there—and if so, he shall surely inscrutalize them for us—to which end he shall not post today. Meanwhile, 孔夫子, otherwise known as your Œcumenical Volgi … Continue reading →
The Czar loves the headline. Do not bother to read the article as it would only upset you. Merely read the headline and dream of how great that would be. The Czar of MuscovyБожію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ … Continue reading →
The Czar and the Mandarin are both traveling today to the Western Edges of their respective empires, and regret they cannot post today. Until we return on Tuesday, please enjoy this classic Gomorgon post from November 22, 1898. As you … Continue reading →
Paavo, the Czar bids you welcome, and wishes to assure you and remind the Volgi that some other Czar was responsible for the vile horrors unleashed upon your fine land by the Russians. As the Czar of Muscovy’s title states, … Continue reading →
Hah! Destiny draws ever near. Need bigger? You have two choices: click on it, or face the wrath of the Cossacks. Your Czar recommends the clicking. The Czar of MuscovyБожію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь … Continue reading →
Your Czar is not one to whine, Andy Rooney-like, about the inconveniences of modern living, but the Czar has just paid some bills, and since the Gormogons have seen fit to reward him with blog-like powers, the Czar shall use … Continue reading →
The Czar of Muscovy is overwhelmed to accept such a glorious invitation to post here on the Gormogons website. This is quite a smart bunch, and your Czar is as humbled as one (gifted by the grace of God with … Continue reading →
And have, for inscrutable reasons of their own, likely relating to plans for world domination, granted the Czar of Muscovy full posting privileges. Drop him an e-mail (instructions at left) to welcome him. Confucius, Œc. Vol.Don’t ask impertinent questions like … Continue reading →
The Czar is a wise man. A capitalist market will more quickly drive increased innovation and decreased prices than the most successful government directed scheme-of-the-moment. A few thoughts on The Czar’s worthy posting. Folks have been predicting the end of … Continue reading →
[Continuing his homage au Puter the Czar drops another screed on a topic near and dear to the Ghetto P’s heart. Energy. The Puter knows a lot about energy, actually, and now we’ll all wait with bated breath to see … Continue reading →
So at the Dorje Drak Lamaist monastery this week, a monk meditates in serene peace when he becomes aware of another monk approaching him from the wind-swept hillside. They nod, and the newcomer says “Didja hear about A-Rod?” “Dude,” says … Continue reading →
Or huntin’ or mani-pedi-facialin’ or whatever it is he does. To keep up the posting volume, the Czar of Muscovy has kindly stepped in with some contributions. I’ll be posting them, but if the title begins THE CZAR:, it’s by … Continue reading →
Slate.com, which is to journalism what the G4 cable network is to responsible babysitting, has a typically snarky overview of the recent Federal court decision which pimpslaps the claim that vaccines cause autism spectrum disorders. Slate adds a little analysis … Continue reading →
More from the Czar: Confucius, Œc. Vol.Don’t ask impertinent questions like that jackass Adept Lu. 3.14.242.153
Continue reading →Confucius, Œc. Vol.Don’t ask impertinent questions like that jackass Adept Lu. 3.14.242.153
Continue reading →The Czar submits yet more sightings of Gormogonical influence. (And we therefore reward him, a dog lover, with this link.) From Japan (you wouldn’t believe the stuff we’ve got going on there): Damn right: An’ from da grayder Chicawgolänt ärea: … Continue reading →
Man, he’s good. Digging up the occult clues we leave everywhere. Confucius, Œc. Vol.Don’t ask impertinent questions like that jackass Adept Lu. 3.14.242.153
Continue reading →The Czar has been driving around Muscovy painting icons. And, of course, this again. Oh yeah. Confucius, Œc. Vol.Don’t ask impertinent questions like that jackass Adept Lu. 3.14.242.153
Continue reading →Well, since GorT hasn’t had the opportunity to reply to Dirk Benedict’s loopy jeremiad against the new Battlestar Galactica, here’s a guest commentary by the Czar of Muscovy, a Gormogon auxiliary: If I may. Dirk, here are the facts. I … Continue reading →
A brief list, which shows that even Heisenberg could be certain about some things, at least. The best intelligence test is to put a person behind the wheel of a car. Almost no one would pass. People who look at … Continue reading →
The Czar is happy to predict that one day, perhaps in February of 2008, the notable Eric Reasons Blog will launch to great success, and so do we command that each resident of Muscovy who doth proclaim loyalty to our … Continue reading →
