{"id":12307,"date":"2015-09-23T10:26:26","date_gmt":"2015-09-23T14:26:26","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.gormogons.com\/?p=12307"},"modified":"2015-09-23T10:26:26","modified_gmt":"2015-09-23T14:26:26","slug":"20-catholic-questions-puter-sits-down-with-meghan-mccain","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/gormogons.com\/index.php\/2015\/09\/20-catholic-questions-puter-sits-down-with-meghan-mccain\/","title":{"rendered":"20 Catholic Questions: ‘Puter Sits Down With Meghan McCain"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"\"

Ms. McCain sent ‘Puter this photo of herself after their Netflix and chill “date.” Man, ‘Puter wishes he weren’t such a heart breakers. It’s tough to let these young ladies down easy when they’ve fallen for him.<\/p><\/div>\n

As you may have heard, Pope Francis arrived in the United States yesterday for his first visit. The Pope will visit Washington, Philadelphia, and New York City during his stay. As most newscasters have little to no comprehension of any religion, much less Catholicism, they\u2019ve been searching out knowledgeable Catholics to provide commentary and insight during the Pope\u2019s tour of (Mid-Atlantic, East Coast) America.<\/p>\n

Imagine \u2018Puter\u2019s surprise when Fox News\u2019 own Meghan McCain called \u2018Puter an asked if \u2018Puter had time for an interview on Catholicism! Naturally, \u2018Puter said yes, as he has a thing for dumb, zaftig blondes. What follows is the unedited transcript of the interview, airing tonight on The Sean Hannity Show!*<\/p>\n

Meghan McCain: Hi, \u2018Puter! Where should we set up?<\/p>\n

\u2018Puter Gormogon: Let\u2019s set up in my rumpus room in the basement. Would you like something to drink? Sleestak makes a brilliant gin and SlimFast.<\/p>\n

MM: How about a sparkling water? Got any of those?<\/p>\n

PG: Sure. With or without rohypnol?<\/p>\n

MM: Without, please.<\/p>\n

PG: No problem. SLEESTAK, YOU INSOLENT REPTILE! GET IN HERE!<\/p>\n

Sleestak: Ssssss! Ssssssssssss! Ssss! *shambles off to parts unknown* *returns with drink* *gives to Ms. McCain* *waits around*<\/p>\n

MM: Thank you, Sleestak. \u2018Puter, what exactly *is* Sleestak?<\/p>\n

PG: We\u2019re not really sure. It\u2019s a long story. By the way, nice tits.<\/p>\n

MM: Thanks, \u2018Puter! I like your orange leisure suit and purple ascot.<\/p>\n

PG: Netflix and chill later, ba\u2019e?<\/p>\n

MM: Sure! That\u2019d be great! But let\u2019s get the interview done first. My dad\u2019s not as famous as Chelsea Clinton\u2019s dad, so I\u2019m actually expected to turn in a work product.<\/p>\n

PG: Alright. Just leave your underwear at home. Bring the camera though. \u2018Puter\u2019ll send Dat Ho to fetch you around 8:00 in the Castle\u2019s Bugatti Veyron. He\u2019ll be the diminutive Asian cussing up a storm driving a Bugatti Veyron.<\/p>\n

MM: No problem. Let\u2019s get the interview started, shall we?<\/p>\n

PG: Sure. Go ahead. Did I mention I\u2019ve got a thing for dumb, zaftig blondes with big cans and round badonkadonk?<\/p>\n

MM: *giggles* Oh, \u2018Puter. So, here we go. First question.<\/p>\n

Q1:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Is the pope Catholic?<\/p>\n

A:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 No. The pope is Roman Catholic. If you\u2019re not Roman Catholic, you\u2019re going to Hell, heathen.<\/p>\n

Q2:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Do Catholics worship Mary?<\/p>\n

A:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Only Mary J. Blige, and it\u2019s less \u201cworship\u201d and more \u201cinfatuation.\u201d<\/p>\n

Q3:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 What\u2019s the deal with the saints?<\/p>\n

A:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u2018Puter knows, right? The Saints suck this year. Drew Brees is off his game, and the Saints defense leaks like a sieve.<\/p>\n

Q4:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 No, \u2018Puter. I meant the saints as in \u201cthe communion of saints.\u201d<\/p>\n

A:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Oh, *those* saints. Saints are totally cool. They\u2019re just people the Church says with certainty are in heaven. St. Sebastian<\/a> got shot chock full of arrows and lived, so they bludgeoned him to death instead. St. Maria Goretti<\/a> got stabbed 14 times and killed by a nobleman rather than submit to sex with him. Sort of the exact opposite of feminists today who think virginity and chastity are tools of the patriarchy used to dominate women. St. Lawrence of Rome<\/a> was grilled to death, famously saying \u201cI\u2019m well done. Turn me over!\u201d Not coincidentally, he\u2019s the patron saint of comedians. True fact. Wait, what was the question again?<\/p>\n

Q5:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Never mind, \u2018Puter. Let\u2019s talk about something else. Are Catholics really as heavy drinkers as they\u2019re portrayed?<\/p>\n

A:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Sorry. \u2018Puter missed your question. He was out picking up his morning six-pack from the Knights of Columbus hall. The KofC usually give the post-bingo leftovers to the bums who hang out in the alley behind the bingo hall, and \u2018Puter ain\u2019t passing up no free beer! What\u2019s the question again?<\/p>\n

Q6:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I asked \u201care Catholics heavy drinkers,\u201d but it appears you\u2019ve answered in your own unique way.<\/p>\n

A:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 No, wait. \u2018Puter\u2019s got a good answer for that one. Here\u2019s Pope Gregory IX (r. 1227-1241) responding to a query from the Archbishop of Trondheim: \u00a0\u201cSince according to the Gospel teaching, a man must be born again of water and the Holy Ghost, those are not to be considered validly baptized who have been baptized with beer<\/a>.\u201d<\/p>\n

Q7:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Man, you Catholics are big drinkers.<\/p>\n

A:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Did \u2018Puter mention Jesus chose the creation of alcohol as his first miracle? Or that at Mass, Catholics believe sacramental wine literally becomes the blood of Christ? Transubstantiation<\/a>, bitches!<\/p>\n

Q8:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 On that note, why do Catholics seem to cuss so much more than other Christians?<\/p>\n

A:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 F*ck off, Prod! What are you, a Unionist<\/a> bastard? Ireland for the Catholics, Prods go home! Sod off, Royal Ulster Constabulary!<\/p>\n

Q9:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Now that you mention it, I\u2019ve always wondered how Northern Irish Catholics and Protestants tell each other apart. I mean, they\u2019re all no good, soulless, dirt-burning, soulless Irish asshats, right?<\/p>\n

A:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Good question. \u2018Puter\u2019s never figured that one out, either.<\/p>\n

Q10:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Is that your real hair?<\/p>\n

A:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 What, are you mocking \u2018Puter for being bald? The Sweet Baby Jesus in the Manger was bald! So was the Wee Baby Seamus<\/a>!<\/p>\n

Q11:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Man, this interview\u2019s going far worse than I expected. Let\u2019s get back on topic, \u2018Puter. What\u2019s the official honorific for the Pope?<\/p>\n

A:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Some people will tell you it\u2019s \u201cYour Holiness.\u201d Some people say it\u2019s \u201cYour Pope-itude.\u201d \u2018Puter believes either is acceptable. [Go with \u201cYour Holiness<\/a>\u201d \u2013 ed.]<\/p>\n

Q12:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 What\u2019s with kissing the Pope\u2019s ring? That\u2019s weird, isn\u2019t it?<\/p>\n

A:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Millions of New England Patriots fans kiss Bill Belichick<\/a> and Tom Brady\u2019s<\/a> Super Bowl rings, and no one in the media thinks that\u2019s weird, even though New England are proven cheating bastards who will burn in the unseen fires of Hell for all eternity! Wait, what were we talking about?<\/p>\n

Q13:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Pope Francis. He\u2019s an Argentine Jesuit. Can you tell us anything about the Jesuits?<\/p>\n

A:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Well, \u2018Puter was educated by Jesuits for eight years, so he knows a thing or two about Jesuits. First, Jesuits used to be awesome badasses, traveling the globe to spread the Gospel. St. Ignatius Loyola<\/a>, St. Francis Xavier<\/a>, and St. Pierre Lefevre<\/a> were the original OJs [Original Jesuits \u2013 ed.]. These men were among the best the Church had to offer. Today, the Jesuits are more concerned with \u201csocial justice,\u201d liberation theology, and preserving gay-themed colleges, universities, and seminaries.<\/p>\n

Q14:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 That\u2019s a bit harsh, isn\u2019t it, \u2018Puter?<\/p>\n

A:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Can the truth ever be harsh? Pope Francis is also an Argentine, which means he likes kickball [soccer \u2013 ed.], dumb economic policies, and cocaine. Wait, maybe not the last one. Maybe \u2018Puter was thinking of Argentine Diego Maradona<\/a>, who for most of his kickball [soccer \u2013ed.] pretty much reenacted the scene from Scarface where Tony Montana goes face down into a giant pile of cocaine<\/a>. Man, that was a good movie.<\/p>\n

Q15:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u2018Puter, stay on topic.<\/p>\n

A:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Oh, right. Pope Francis. Well, like most semi-commie, Jesuit Argentines, he likes walking, mostly because Argentina\u2019s socialist\/dictator-ist economic policies make cars and gasoline unaffordable for working folks. But now he\u2019s got this totally bitchin\u2019 Popemobile, with bulletproof glass, and Swiss Guard with the kung-fu grip<\/a>, and a Trouble Pop-O-Matic bubble<\/a> on the top so when you push it the Pope pops up in the air, and a giant Confederate battle flag painted on top<\/a>. Wait, maybe not so much the last thing.<\/p>\n

Q16:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Why do Catholics hate gay people and want to make them all have a sad and live in self-loathing and fear of religiously inspired random beatings?<\/p>\n

A:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Thank you, Sugar Booty, for framing this question far more respectfully than most television journalists have. Catholics don\u2019t hate gay people. The Catechism, paragraph 2358<\/a>, instructs Catholics that homosexuals \u201cmust be accepted with respect compassion, and sensitivity. Every sign of unjust discrimination in their regard should be avoided.\u201d Plus, gay people are funny, throw the best parties, and make generally great neighbors.<\/p>\n

Q17:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 What about abortion? How come Catholics can\u2019t just get with the times? Abortion\u2019s the cool thing now. All the publicly funded \u201cwomen\u2019s health\u201d centers are doing it, then selling the fetal organs for profit. Noted Catholics like Mario Cuomo, all 5,237 of the Kennedys, Nancy Pelosi and Joe Biden are vocal proponents of abortion, mostly because it disproportionately kills of Black people. Plus, Pope Francis totally said abortion\u2019s fine now! How cool is that?<\/p>\n

A:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Um, not cool. Not cool at all. Since Roe v. Wade, abortion\u2019s killed millions of Americans before they could draw their first breath. Planned Parenthood\u2019s taken to killing Americans after they draw their first breath, supported with taxpayer dollars. The Cuomos, Clan Kennedy, Mrs. I Can\u2019t Blink Pelosi and Handsy Uncle Joe Biden are nominal Catholics, more beholden to their religion of so-called progressivism than to the One True Church. As for their rationale (i.e., abortion disproportionately affects Blacks and minorities, as Planned Parenthood founder Margaret Sanger dreamed of), \u2018Puter won\u2019t comment on your characterization. Last, Pope Francis didn\u2019t issue a new \u201cWOO HOO! GO GIT ALL TEH ABORSHUNZ!!1!\u201d edict. Pope Francis simply said during this declared year of mercy, parish priests may forgive the sin of abortion, undoing the woman\u2019s (or the procurer\u2019s) excommunication latae sententiae. It\u2019s not a brave, new world of Church sponsored eugenics, much to the chagrin of liberal \u201cCatholics.\u201d<\/p>\n

Q18:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Why did God make you, \u2018Puter?<\/p>\n

A:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 God made me to know Him, to love Him, and to serve Him in this world, and to be happy with him forever in Heaven<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Q19:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cThrough Christ our Lord,\u201d or \u201cforever and ever?\u201d<\/p>\n

A:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Amen.<\/p>\n

Q20:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 One last question, \u2018Puter. If you could be a tree, what kind of tree would you be, and why?<\/p>\n

A:\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Well, my Zaftig Zeppelin of Love, I\u2019d be a pecan tree so I could drop my nuts on you.<\/p>\n

With that, the interview ended, and Ms. McCain packed up her gear and left. \u2018Puter\u2019s too much a gentleman to get into the oil-covered, hours-long details of his date with Ms. McCain later that night, though it was *awesome.*<\/p>\n

Be sure to watch \u2018Puter\u2019s interview on Fox\u2019s \u201cThe Idiot Captain Hairdo Show\u201d<\/span> \u201cThe Sean Hannity Show\u201d tonight at 10:00 PM local time!<\/p>\n

* Sean Hannity is dumb as a sack of hammers. He has stupid hair and supports Donald Trump. Hannity\u2019s so all-in on Trump that he\u2019s practically disqualified himself from the \u201cserious newsman\u201d category, as if there were such a thing. After Trump flames out spectacularly, \u2018Puter expects to find Hannity wandering around the Times Square in a filthy, urine stained suit, clutching a Trump bobblehead, muttering softly to himself about what could\u2019ve been, if only the American voter listened to him.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

As you may have heard, Pope Francis arrived in the United States yesterday for his first visit. The Pope will visit Washington, Philadelphia, and New York City during his stay. 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