{"id":12746,"date":"2016-08-10T15:10:11","date_gmt":"2016-08-10T19:10:11","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.gormogons.com\/?p=12746"},"modified":"2016-08-10T15:10:11","modified_gmt":"2016-08-10T19:10:11","slug":"in-which-puter-rants-about-sean-hannity","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/gormogons.com\/index.php\/2016\/08\/in-which-puter-rants-about-sean-hannity\/","title":{"rendered":"In Which ‘Puter Rants About Sean Hannity"},"content":{"rendered":"

Sean Hannity is evil.<\/p>\n

\"Sean<\/a>

Sean Hannity wonders if he should ask Trump to prom, or whether he’s just another one of Trump’s booty calls who’ll wake up orange and infected with herpes (allegedly).<\/p><\/div>\n

\u2018Puter knows. You\u2019re sitting there on the crapper reading our blog on your fancy smart phone, thinking \u201cBut \u2018Puter, Sean Hannity\u2019s living proof there\u2019s a place in the world for cute short bus kids!\u201d<\/p>\n

Sure, Hannity\u2019s cute in the \u201cgot a couple of extra chromosomes somewhere in my genome and a great head of hair\u201d kind of way, if that\u2019s you thing. But he\u2019s still evil.<\/p>\n

Why\u2019s Hannity evil? Because he\u2019s a ratings whore who would rather sell out his own country than work another honest day in his life.<\/p>\n

Hannity\u2019s behavior this election cycle, and pretty much always, has been execrable. Hannity\u2019s the Nancy Grace of FoxNews, but less talented, more vindictive, and with bigger tits.<\/p>\n

\u2018Puter never watched or listened to Hannity much. One day, as \u2018Puter was driving to DC to visit his Dad who has dementia (a story for another day), he tuned into Hannity\u2019s radio show. Hannity was interviewing Cliven Bundy live by phone, giving voice to a psycho with a messiah complex who happens to be correct on one issue. It quickly became apparent to \u2018Puter than Bundy was totally unhinged and that Hannity was uncomfortable with the interview. Yet Hannity bravely soldiered on, knowing that certain segment of Republican Nation was eating Bundy\u2019s deranged Mormon theocracy tinged delusions up.<\/p>\n

A real man with a soul and a set of balls would\u2019ve hung up on Bundy and apologized to his audience, explaining Bundy was not who the host thought he was, and the host couldn\u2019t in good conscience expose his audience to any more of Bundy\u2019s asshattery. But not low-T Sean Hannity!<\/p>\n

And now for a word from Sean\u2019s sponsor.<\/p>\n

Hi, I\u2019m America\u2019s favorite retarded offspring of five monkeys having butt sex with a fish-squirrel,** Sean Hannity! Silver is at an all-time low! You should have some in your bugout bag, or in your bolt hole, or even in your 401(k)! Send us your credit card number, expiration date, security code, PIN, social security number, home address, turn-ons, and cell phone number, and Silver 4Evah will send you a pamphlet from the FTC about consumer scams, and how not to fall prey to them!<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Now, back to our show.<\/p>\n

Sean\u2019s all about getting paid, see? And to the extent he has to back dangerously unhinged separatists to make bank, Sean will. Only when the shallow end of the Republican gene pool has moved onto their next savior does Hannity move on. Sean is what\u2019s known as a lagging indicator. If Sean moves on, you know his current fellatio buddy\u2019s yesterday\u2019s news, at least to the \u201cUR A RINO, U CUCK!1!! TRUMPP 4EVAH!!1!\u201d set.<\/p>\n

And speaking of our Cheetos colored savior, guess whose wang Hannity\u2019s currently chugging?* And no fair comparing the color of Sean\u2019s lips to Trump\u2019s \u201ctan.\u201d If Trump fellating were an Olympic event, Hannity would be lapping the field. If Trump\u2019s wang were a stock, Hannity\u2019d have cornered the market. If Trump\u2019s yuge, luxurious man meat were an all you can eat buffet, Hannity\u2019d die from a burst stomach, and he\u2019d die happy.<\/p>\n

See, Hannity figured out Trump appeals to a certain fairly large minority of people who are easily fooled by shiny things, monkey traps, and reality TV stars.*** Moreover, this subset is intensely loyal to its delusions and impervious to logic and reason. So Hannity (rightly) figured he\u2019d hitch his wagon to Captain Giveszerofucks, watch his ratings soar, his ad revenue rise, and his bank account grow.<\/p>\n

What Hannity didn\u2019t plan on, mostly because he\u2019s too greedy and shortsighted to see the obvious, was that Trump was going to lose, and lose big. Hannity had the knives out for anyone he perceived as insufficiently pro-Trump, savaging them on air. Hannity burned bridges with nearly every Republican power broker and person in office, except those few who like Hannity chugged the orange Kool-Aid.<\/p>\n

As Hannity shamelessly whored himself out and lied for Trump, he sold out America. Hannity\u2019s position is essentially \u201cf*ck all y\u2019all, I\u2019m making bank, and y\u2019all can get screwed.\u201d Trump spits on the Constitution? That\u2019s cool. Threatens violence against political opponents? Sean just opens his throat wider. If Trump wanted to bang Hannity\u2019s wife and kids, \u2018Puter\u2019s not sure Hannity wouldn\u2019t let him. That\u2019s how much Hannity cares about himself, and how little he cares about America and you.<\/p>\n

Hannity doesn\u2019t give two sh*ts about you, about America, or about Trump. Hannity (and Coulter, and Ingraham, and Rush, etc.) care about one and only one person: themselves. They\u2019re infotainers, not thought leaders, nor leaders of any sort.<\/p>\n

They\u2019re the yes men behind every jackass and thug, from the grade school bully to the fascist Russian with world domination on his mind.<\/p>\n

So if you want to idolize a cute short bus kid with good hair who\u2019d sell you out at Trump\u2019s say so, go ahead. But \u2018Puter won\u2019t. And if you do, know you\u2019re standing on very shaky ground, nearly alone, and your perfectly coiffed Svengali will abandon you to save his own skin.<\/p>\n

You\u2019re on notice.<\/p>\n

P.S. Trump sucks.<\/p>\n

* (singing) ERRY BUDDY CHUG WANG 2NITE! ERRYBODY CHUG WANG! #WangChung<\/p>\n

** This is a South Park<\/em> reference<\/a>. And if you didn\u2019t get it, you\u2019re the retarded offspring of five monkeys having butt sex with a fish-squirrel.<\/p>\n

*** To be fair, there is a subset of the TRUMP 5-EVAH!!1! subset that has principled reasons for supporting Trump (mostly, burn it all down so we can start again), but they are a small subset of this otherwise retarded offspring of five monkeys having butt sex with a fish-squirrel group.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Sean Hannity is evil. \u2018Puter knows. You\u2019re sitting there on the crapper reading our blog on your fancy smart phone, thinking \u201cBut \u2018Puter, Sean Hannity\u2019s living proof there\u2019s a place in the world for cute short bus kids!\u201d Sure, Hannity\u2019s …<\/span> Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[2976,2987,2975],"coauthors":[2952],"class_list":["post-12746","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-puters-always-right","tag-sean-hannity","tag-suck-it-czar"],"yoast_head":"\nIn Which 'Puter Rants About Sean Hannity - The Gormogons<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"http:\/\/www.gormogons.com\/index.php\/2016\/08\/in-which-puter-rants-about-sean-hannity\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"In Which 'Puter Rants About Sean Hannity - The Gormogons\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Sean Hannity is evil. \u2018Puter knows. You\u2019re sitting there on the crapper reading our blog on your fancy smart phone, thinking \u201cBut \u2018Puter, Sean Hannity\u2019s living proof there\u2019s a place in the world for cute short bus kids!\u201d Sure, Hannity\u2019s … Continue reading →\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"http:\/\/www.gormogons.com\/index.php\/2016\/08\/in-which-puter-rants-about-sean-hannity\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"The Gormogons\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2016-08-10T19:10:11+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"http:\/\/www.gormogons.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/08\/Smee-300x225.jpg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"'Puter\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:creator\" content=\"@Gormogons\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:site\" content=\"@Gormogons\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"'Puter\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"5 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\\\/\\\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"http:\\\/\\\/www.gormogons.com\\\/index.php\\\/2016\\\/08\\\/in-which-puter-rants-about-sean-hannity\\\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"http:\\\/\\\/www.gormogons.com\\\/index.php\\\/2016\\\/08\\\/in-which-puter-rants-about-sean-hannity\\\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"'Puter\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/gormogons.com\\\/#\\\/schema\\\/person\\\/dedde8e992d4eaff0fc006e62536b244\"},\"headline\":\"In Which ‘Puter Rants About Sean Hannity\",\"datePublished\":\"2016-08-10T19:10:11+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"http:\\\/\\\/www.gormogons.com\\\/index.php\\\/2016\\\/08\\\/in-which-puter-rants-about-sean-hannity\\\/\"},\"wordCount\":1032,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/gormogons.com\\\/#organization\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"http:\\\/\\\/www.gormogons.com\\\/index.php\\\/2016\\\/08\\\/in-which-puter-rants-about-sean-hannity\\\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"http:\\\/\\\/www.gormogons.com\\\/wp-content\\\/uploads\\\/2016\\\/08\\\/Smee-300x225.jpg\",\"keywords\":[\"'Puter's Always Right\",\"Sean Hannity\",\"Suck It Czar\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"http:\\\/\\\/www.gormogons.com\\\/index.php\\\/2016\\\/08\\\/in-which-puter-rants-about-sean-hannity\\\/\",\"url\":\"http:\\\/\\\/www.gormogons.com\\\/index.php\\\/2016\\\/08\\\/in-which-puter-rants-about-sean-hannity\\\/\",\"name\":\"In Which 'Puter Rants About Sean Hannity - 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X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this. \u2019Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons\u2019 financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies. The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig. His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. \u2019Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. \u2019Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people\u2019s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred. He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, \u2019Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently. Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls \u201cSleestak.\u201d Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet. 'Puter suggests the Czar suck it.","url":"https:\/\/gormogons.com\/index.php\/author\/puter\/"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/gormogons.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12746","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/gormogons.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/gormogons.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gormogons.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/5"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gormogons.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=12746"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/gormogons.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12746\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/gormogons.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=12746"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gormogons.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=12746"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gormogons.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=12746"},{"taxonomy":"author","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gormogons.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/coauthors?post=12746"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}