Happy Birthday, America.

Without question, the United States of America remains the greatest country in the world. Even if you compile all the neat places you might otherwise consider visiting or inhabiting, the top of that list is a distant second to America.

And for all the criticisms—motivated unquestionably by jealousy—we take as a country, the fact is that millions of people try to immigrate here each year. Some will risk life and limb to do so. And most will arrive here with nothing in their pockets. And why?

Because there is a fantasy about this country: a fantasy that says, even in the worst of times, a man or woman with a family can have nothing but dirt; but in a generation have college-educated children, a beautiful home, and a job that pays extraordinary amounts compared to what he or she might have earned back home. And, the fantasy goes, the people around you really do not care what language you spoke, what color your skin is, what religion you practice, or whether your ancestors were rich or poor—here, in the United States, you can become as American as anyone else if you want.

And the best part of this worldwide fantasy is that is remains completely true. This is a country in which hard work, perseverence, patience, and pride can still reap real rewards. That if you like the government, you can keep it. If you dislike the government, you can change it. You: not some feudal lord or land baron or effete aristocrat, but you. And you can vote without fear of bombs, clubs, or bullets. And you, that lone individual, is not a voice crying out alone in some windstorm; you have a voice, and people here give a damn about what you think. If you want to teach, if you want to preach, if you want to change—you speak up, and people will listen.

For two-hundred and thirty-four years, this has been the case. Many people still refer to our nation as the “American experiment.” How true: a ridiculous notion that a nation, conceived in liberty, does not need a king or an archduke or a tyrant or a junta; instead, people who accept themselves for what they are can and will come together for the common good. And, the best part is, everyone can reap their own reward for doing so.

The proof in all this greatness is simple: we can write this, and you are reading it. So enjoy. Today is the anniversary of the American Experiment. And you, the reader, have earned the right to enjoy today. God bless America: He always has.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.